18 October 2009

Unloading my mind

I seem to be setting an unhealthy trend of doing all my blogging late at night lol. I guess this is due to the fact that as I am quieting down to prepare for sleep, that is when I can hear my thoughts the loudest. I was reluctant to blog right now, not just because of the fact that it is 3am, and I really should be getting some sleep if I aim to be able to function at all tomorrow lol, but also for the fact that in my sleepy, hazy state of mind, I won't be able to write as fluidly and meaningfully as I would like to.

I guess, strangely enough, I have actually taken a little pride in my blogging lol, and for some reason feel I have some personal bar I have set that each blog must meet. Wow, what was that? That seems to be a completely new topic altogether, something I had no plans to talk about going into this blog, but I have now through the magic of rambling, have stumbled across. I might take a minute to dive into this issue, as I know it is a big one of mine, and the fact that I have brought it up completely subconsciously I feel it is something that needs addressing.

The topic I am referring to is 'setting yourself a bar'. In other words, you have personally set yourself a certain standard of quality, that unless you meet, you will never be satisfied with yourself no matter how grand and wonderful others may find it. There are countless examples, an artist may feel that their painting is terrible, even though to us we may find it to be an absolute masterpiece. This is a common one, and I would actually expect people to have this, it shows you have pride in your work, also it is a huge self motivational tool that will continue to push your own limits which over time, will reward you with greater knowledge and skill.

However... there is a limit, a line that shouldn't be crossed, in regards to setting your own bar. The aforementioned example is great and even neccessary, but I think my problem is that I set myself bars for too many aspects of my life, which I then fail to reach (which are probably set too high to begin with)... this then brings my mood down as it invokes a sense of failure, which of course would begin a chain reaction of self doubt and frustration. Sure I have high standards in regards to my academic and work life which have definitely fueled me to get where I am today... but why do I need so many other bars also, or at the very least, do they have to be so high?

I really am my own worst enemy, Sabrina (one of my best friends) tells me this all the time. Why do I punish myself if I don't achieve everything I set out for... and I don't mean Uni or work related, I mean aspects like friendships, self image, my clumsiness and forgetfulness. I pride myself on not caring what other people think of me, yet I seem to spend an unhealthy amount of time comparing myself to others. I think I have forgotten to just live, be free. Maybe I have been too stressed these last few months, which has made me forget that life is meant to be lived, not planned. Mistakes are meant to happen, accidents will occur, things that once were will no longer be, and I should just remind myself that all these things, contrary to what I keep telling myself lately, are completely out of my control. Well I am glad that got mentioned, that came completely out of no where lol.

I would like to now mention the main topic that I think was on my mind tonight, I try not to say too much on here as I guess I don't want to scare my followers away lol, but alas, it is on my mind, therefore a blog is a good place to get it out. Then I may be able to sleep lol.

Tonight was saturday night, I had a few plans lined up on where to spend my time and with whom, but of course, nothing in my life is as ever as simple as 'yep see you at 7pm'... there is social politics, and my emotions, that need to be heavily weighed, these days at least. For the time being at least also.

Tonight was my first real chance to face them. Them? Them is what they will be referred as, and nothing more. It has been, actually, I have no idea how long it has been, 3 months perhaps? Who knows, I for one wasn't counting. Them, are good friends with my good friends, therefore ignoring them forever is not an option, besides, I should be over it by now (well, so says everyone), and the fact is I am, well, to be more accurate, I am over them, but not what they did.

Tonight I had the chance to face it all. I had no idea how I would of reacted (which I think is what scared me the most). Everytime I mentioned to someone that I might be coming along, the first thing they all said was 'your not allowed to make a scene'. What, give me some credit guys, as if I would mak.... hmm, then I thought about it, and I guess I do have a small (small is debatable depending on who you ask lol) history of making scenes haha. So, I planned on my best behavior! My good friend Sabrina was going to come with me, and some other best mates of mine would be there also, so I was feeling more confident that I would be ok. Im strong, sure it would probably be a shock at first, maybe I would get there and find that it doesn't bother me at all, who knows, but there was only one way to find out.

Talking to my dad about it, he said to me 'don't carry the resentment with you, you need to put it behind you, otherwise it is just going to tear you up in the end'. He was so right, wise words. The longer I carry this around, the worst. I debated with myself for ages about going, I knew it was the right thing to do.

In the end, I didn't end up going...


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