31 May 2013

The girl and I go on holiday

Before I left for my America trip, I talked about this girl I was into a few times on this blog, all the way back in late 2011 actually. At the time I guess I was pretty invested emotionally, as depicted by this post here, but with my year-long trip looming I figured it was pointless to make any moves. Besides, I'd be away for a year, surely it would blow over by the time I returned?

You would think so. For some reason, she never really left my mind the entire time, despite the great length of time I was away from her.

Upon my return I found myself falling back into the exact same pattern as before I left. What was going on?

We've had some awesome times in the few months since my return to Australia, everyone was clearly happy to see me again, and it was nice to see how much she had genuinely missed me, and since then our friendship has grown quite well. We've gone camping (as a group of friends), walked her dog together (exactly how we used to back in 2011!), and many more fun nights for dinner and drinks too.

It isn't easy, you know. Being friends with someone you can't get off your mind, while keeping a straight face and hiding it from everyone (and them) on a weekly basis. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself, and wonder if it is all worth it. Other times I admit I get disheartened, and doubt my chances... or worse, just doubt myself.

We have an up and down friendship. But I think it is just her personality. One day she'll promise to get back to me about my invite for her to come over to mine for dinner, and I'll never hear from her, so I start to think their is nothing between us. Then the very next day I'll get a text from her inviting me out for lunch... no idea.

I bring all this up because today, this girl is flying interstate (to Adelaide, in fact) to visit her aunty and to explore for the next 2 nights.

She invited me along. I said yes. She seemed very enthusiastic about my agreeing to come too, I might add. So in a few hours off I go to catch a flight to meet her in Adelaide, where it will be just us for the next two nights.

It is hard what to make of it all. It is very likely that I am reading into it far too much, but that is just who I am, and I can't help it, so moving on!

What does that mean!?

Is this a perfect opportunity to get closer with her? Well, closer than we already are that is. Or is it completely platonic and I am over-thinking it all?

Perhaps it is both? Regardless, it is a very strange situation to be in!

I am nervous, of course, because you can never been yourself when around the person you secretly like. You analysis every move you make, and berrate yourself for the ones you didn't (or about the stupid ones that you did). You can never quite relax. Not to mention the reality never matches your built up fantasies of the 'what ifs' and the 'could be'.

I have not the slightest clue on how it will turn out, all I know is that I am rather nervous, and am not at all excited because of my nerves. I'd like to think it'll turn out great, perhaps all my desires will come true, or perhaps it will be terrible.

Either way I have the next 3 days of just us, to figure it all out. Wish me luck =)

16 May 2013

Winter blues

Why don't I just give up?

To go week after week of dreaming, of hoping, to continue going forward despite the setbacks, it is getting harder to answer that question.

It's winter at the moment, here in Australia. I hate winter. I hate how early it gets dark, how tough it is to get out of bed, how grueling a shower can be when stepping out into the freezing air. I dislike the grey cloud days when all you want to do is go outside, the wet footpaths that make you slip, the windows of your car that are frosted over in the morning.

Yet, at the same time, this is also all the things that I love about winter. Cozening up under a rug with a movie playing, the excuse to stay inside when outside is so grim, the nights spent having dinner with friends in the warmth of your home instead of the cold of a local bar.

I hate so much that she doesn't realize her influence on me. That when I ask her over for dinner on a whim, and she replies with "I have to do some work tonight, but I will let you know", and never gets back to me... that it really does affect me greatly. She has no idea, no idea what so ever the power she has. I've now spent my entire Thursday night drinking wine and cooking dinner on my own, all with the hope that any minute now she would suddenly appear at my door. I knew she wouldn't... but... that's where the never ending hope comes in. The hope that says "Don't worry, it'll all work out in the end".

The problem is that I have had the voice of hope on repeat for literally years now. And after all this time, it is still yet to fulfill its promise.

10 May 2013

The dream

Get more classes to teach for next semester at my University.

Reach the point with my freelance programming where I have enough clients to support myself full time.

Never work a 9 - 5 job, or a job that I hate, for the entire year.

Build a website for myself, highlighting my work portfolio and travel adventures.

Travel again.

Get that girl.

07 May 2013

Off to a surprisingly great start

It was only a month ago where I took the time to lay out my goals for 2013, with moving out of my parents house after my return from America, and to gain sufficient employment, being foremost on my list.

Well I am glad to announce that as of yesterday... well, a week ago now (it feels like only yesterday!) I have moved out of my parents house (again) and am back in my favourite town to be close to where I work and more importantly to be close to my favourite people in the world.

And wow is it great to be back! To be only 1km from two of my greatest friends is awesome.

To top it all off, my secondary goal of adding to my freelance programming client list (for at the time I only had one) is also flying along, for I now have three clients! So now there's demonstrating classes at my old University on Fridays, and three client projects to work on during the week, amazing!

My goal to go the entire year without working a 9 - 5 job (or just a job that I hate) is on track!

I also just got back from a swing dance lesson only moments ago (with improving my swing dance skills also on the list), and I have signed up for a French course starting in July (also an item on the list)... so, things are in motion!

I am excited but terribly nervous at the same time to be honest... I constantly battle hard to squash that inner voice, the one that worries that things won't last, that it is all an illusion that will drift away at any moment. There's the fear that the freelance clients will suddenly dry up, or that I won't get more classes to teach come next semester, or even the fear that I am dreaming too high, or unrealistically, and that the little world I keep in my head is simply a fantasy and I should 'get real' and look for proper employment like normal people.

But, hey, I figure I can ride it as long as it lasts at the very least!

I don't know how my luck works, I have such crazy highs like where employment just finds me, where things all fall together and I find a great house to move into on a complete whim... yet on the flip side my lows are also just as devastating. In the last month I've broken my little toe very badly (accidentally kicked the door frame of the pantry), and then two weeks later was dreadfully close to damaging my knee (fell on wet concrete, luckily it is just severely bruised).

In the end, I guess it balances.

Now! All that was left on the list was to release some iPhone apps onto the AppStore... which should happen by the years end, and then more importantly was to find a girlfriend, something I am working on that's for sure! Although more on that in another post shortly.

Yes, I think I really enjoy this new approach in life. To set goals, and work towards them. It worked immensely for my trip to America, I think it can work again! And by blogging it all I can look back to where it all began with fondness that I was brave enough to take the first step that (hopefully) made it all a reality!