27 July 2013

French class

Every year I like to try completely new activities than what I did the previous year. Chances are that I never stick with the activity for more than a year, where I never really master the new skill, but it is the variety and experience that I am really after.

Last year I was traveling, the year before that was swing dance and yoga, and the year before that was indoor soccer and... whatever else. This year I've decided to take French lessons!

I've done a fair amount of travel so far, and one thing that always strikes me the most is when I meet foreigners whom are bilingual, whom often times have a native language such as French, German or whatever, but then are also able to communicate with me, an English only speaker, in good enough (or sometimes even absolutely perfect) English. It is one thing I really envied of them.

So, why French? No idea really. I don't really have any desire to live in France anytime soon, nor is it likely I will make it to Europe anytime soon for that matter. The language I would most like to learn is Mandarin as I have a strong desire (and possibly plans) to live in Taiwan or China sometime soon... but I am just not disciplined enough to master a language as hard as that to be honest. My second choice for a language to learn would be Japanese, as that is another country that I would love to spend some time in some day... but again, I just don't think I could put my mind to it as much as I would need to.

So, French was my top choice of the 'easier' languages to learn.

I had my first class last week, and it was actually really great. There is only like 5 of us in the class so that's cool, and the teacher seemed great. It is a 10 week course so... will see how we go!

This probably made for a boring post, but I have a backlog of things to write about, as I do like to use this blog as a bit of a diary as to what I've been up to. And who knows, perhaps in a year or two I've actually stuck with learning the language and I have gotten quite far with it all, and I will be able to look back at this very post and reminisce on the exact point in time where it all began =)

Or perhaps I'll make it to France much sooner than I think!

18 July 2013

Regaining my footing

I've been floating of late. First there was the mess that was the girl, that had me quite rattled I must admit. Then my freelance projects kind of finished up...  all at the exact same time, meaning I went from insanely-busy-but-in-a-good-way to I-literally-have-no-commitments in the space of a few days. Yikes!

Then I injured my knee, preventing me from my swing dance classes for at least a month, as well as exercise (something that keeps me sane). And... then a lot of other stuff too. So, it wasn't a great time.

Usually during times of hardship I relish at having work, exercise, or other commitments to keep me occupied. Whether it be while I do my bi-daily jog along the beach, or swing dance class, or computer programming for a client, I find its a way to temporarily escape from the worries of my day, to be able to be doing something that is both enjoyable and productive.

Then, all of a sudden, with no clients and injuries, my escapes all disappeared.

It's been a good two weeks of not doing much really. I find that I am trying to force myself to be productive, in an effort to use this sudden 'unemployment' opportunity to my advantage but this just leads me to jump from one project to the next hourly, resulting in... well not much getting done at all!

I was mid way through another project where I out of no where got the urge to start writing this post...

But alas, two weeks is long enough, and it is time to get back on my feet. You can recall that back in April I outlined what I hope to achieve in 2013, which I then further defined again in May.

To summarize: becoming a Freelance Software Developer is my ultimate dream. To take in clients, work on my own solutions, build my own networks, and most importantly to be able to be my own boss and set my own hours.

But, this isn't going to happen if I just laze around most days!

There may be a lull in clients at the moment (I currently only have 1) which means hardly any work at the moment (to be honest it's practically none), but, that doesn't mean it should be a wasted opportunity! I have a website to build, a logo to design, and business cards to order if I really want to get this freelance off the ground.

Not to mention that my personal non-work related To-Do list is far too long as well (my friend has been waiting 10 days for me to fix his laptop for him haha). I know that I am meant to be blogging for both myself and you readers, to hopefully share and learn from each other, but sometimes I just need to blog... basically to myself. And this is one of those posts.

It's time to rally! =)

05 July 2013

I'm out of sync

I shouldn't have agreed to see her the other night. I had a bad feeling from the start, as soon as I agreed to go.

She seems to have forgiven me already after what I did, but to be honest, that just annoys me even more the fact that she has forgiven me. I want her to know that what she did just isn't cool. I want her to know that what I said a month ago I did not say lightly nor did I only half mean it. I want her to think that I am annoyed at her, hell, I want her to be annoyed at me in return! At least it would make the situation more real, instead of her sending me a text message tonight (which is Wednesday, only 3 days after the incident that happened on Sunday) all as if it meant nothing?

Does she really think I was a douche to her for the fun of it, and really has no idea I did it for a reason? How blind can she be?


Her housemate (one of my best mates) invited me over for dinner tonight, but I declined. She sent a messaging saying "You can come over if you like! =)", to signify that I guess things were cool between us once more?

In honesty, what I really wanted to text back was "I don't feel like seeing you right now". Or even better, I could have said "What you said actually hurt, and I wished you realized that".

But... I couldn't. I couldn't because her and I are in the same friendship group, and if we aren't friends, then there will be a gap in the group, and people will have to take sides, and... that just won't end well. Besides, there is a good chance I'd loose that battle, as I am definitely the noobie in the group having been inducted only 2 years ago (where as they have all known each other for much longer).

Instead I replied some lame text back to her, something like "It's fine, I didn't choose not to come over because of you. I've already eaten dinner, and am in the middle of some work". Once more my hiding true thoughts.

Sigh. I don't know. It'd just be nice to know that... she took my confession seriously, you know? That she understands where I am coming from. Instead I have to hold my tongue, pretend everything is okay, and just play along like nothing ever happened.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I spent a few hours researching foreign countries. Sometimes... all I wish to do is plan another holiday, and just take off for a few months like I did for my backpacking around America. Sometimes I wonder if friends are meant to be like this?

Well, actually. I don't have any drama what so ever with any of my other friends. Out of all of them, she really is the only one that causes me grief. Is it time to let her go? For good?

When did everything get so complicated...

01 July 2013

Am I the crazy one, or is she?

It's been a month since I asked the girl out. The one that I have been pretty into for over a year now (but I left and backpacked around America for 1 year in the mean time, only to return to Australia to find that I was still into her).

After months of deliberation, I got the courage to finally confess how I felt. It took courage, some crazyness, and just that little bit of 'putting-yourself-out-there' that is always tough to do when leading up to it is (but it isn't quite so bad once it is over and done with).

Fine, sure, it didn't quite work out how I had hoped. She shut me down, claiming that she counted me as a great male friend whom she did not want to lose due to us dating. Sure, I can get that. In that case, let's stay friends, shall we?

If only.

The following week after my... confession, things were fine. She texted me some funny stuff as we reminisced about our weekend away getaway together to Adelaide. Things seemed fine.

A week later, I was at the university where she studies, so I stopped by to say hi. In return, I got barely anything out of her, and I found that I was holding up the conversation considerably. Alright, maybe she was just tired.

Another week went by, and again I was at her University so I decided to stop by. This time I got even less out of her. Fine, something must be up. I tried to be nice and cool, but clearly she did not want anything to do with me for the time being.

But you know what happened? I didn't care anymore! I didn't do anything wrong by saying that I liked her a month ago, and I certainly wasn't anything but a complete gentlemen about the entire thing, so if she wished to act like that, or even treat me like that, then I truly believed that it was her loss and I was not going to put up with it.

And that, my friends, was it.

For 2 weeks I didn't go visit her, text her, call her or see her. And you know what? It was fantastic! There was no more over-analyzing what every move she made meant, or the endless debates whether to text her or not, and even the wondering what she was up to. In a way, I felt somewhat free, and relieved, as if lifted from some sort of spell. I realized that I didn't need, nor deserved, that kind of treatment from anyone.

And for a little while, I thought that this was perhaps what growing up is all about.

This worked well for two whole weeks until suddenly, on the Thursday just gone by, I got a text from the person I least expected to hear from. It was here.

"Hey what's on tonight? Want to come and drink some wine??"

'Why the hell is she texting me for?' Was my initial reaction.

At the time of receiving the message I was already out, so I replied back that I was busy but perhaps another time, and that was that. I was hoping I wouldn't hear from her again for a while.

Two days later, on Saturday night, I get another text... "What ya up to??" it said.

She is messaging again!? Sigh. I was already busy with friends, so I replied that the offer to drink with her sounded fun, but that I am already busy so another night could work better.

I know it is only a text message, but you have to understand my anguish here. I asked this girl out, she says no, she then seems cool for the following week, then pretty much ignores me when I tried to talk to her the following two weeks, and then I don't talk or speak to her for another following two weeks, to now all of a sudden for her to be texting me twice in three days asking to come round for drinks?

Is she playing a game, or am I reading too much into it?

The next day, Sunday, arrives. This time, she calls me!

"Hey! What you doing tonight? Want to come to the pub for a drink with me and Brendan? (Brendan is one of my best mates, who happens to be her roommate also).

"Errr... alright, I can come" was my put-on-the-spot reply. To be honest I was more eager to see my best mate Brendan, as he had just gotten back from a two week trip to Hawaii. Frankly I was not looking forward to seeing her, our last few encounters had not gone well, and I was suspicious about all this attention she was throwing my way all of a sudden.

Three attempts to get me over for drinks in four days? Fine, whatever, I'll go anyway and see what happens.

The meet-up goes fine. The three of us chatted like old buddies. After the pub I invited them back to my house to continue with the drinking (as they live only 5 minutes walk from my house). Things were well... for a while...

Talks lead onto Brendan's recent trip to Hawaii, where he commented on the pretty girls he saw on the beach. This lead onto Brendan's last romantic chase, where apparently whilst I was backpacking through America last year he met a girl and they went out for a little while. It was a cool story.

Then... while sitting next to me, despite me confessing to her how into her I was, and that we'd make a great couple together only a month ago, she starts telling stories of some of the guys she got with, or pursued, last year.

What. The. Hell!?

I know without a doubt that if a girl confessed to me that she liked me, that I would not be talking in front of her so casually of my previous romantic chases or conquests!!!! How awful would it make that girl feel!? To basically be saying "Hey, I know you asked me out, but I rejected you. Instead, I went for these other, more attractive and cooler people".

Come on!!!

There was a girl who was interested in me a little while back, whom I rejected (in a nice way), and I know that if I were to say right in front of her about the girls I've been interested in or have pursued, that it would make her feel so little and worthless.

Surely it works the other way round!?

Is she the crazy one, or is it me?
And at that point, I lost it, and to be honest I acted like a bit of a douche. We were sitting in my lounge room and she wanted more wine, so instead I ignored her and sat down, telling her that she can get it herself. She replied that she can't be bothered arguing against me, and will instead just finish her current wine glass and go home if I wasn't going to get her one. I said that that is fine by me, and that I am not going to get up and get her a wine when she can get it herself. And that was that. She finished her current glass and went home soon after, and I stayed up the rest of the night chatting to my mate Brendan.

Sure, I am not proud of it. Normally, I'd never, ever be a such a douche on purpose like that. In earnest I try to be a very nice, considerate guy to my friends always, treating them like absolute family (as I do cherish them greatly). It truly is very rare that I loose my cool, but I just couldn't take what she was saying, or how much she completely disregarded my feelings. It is completely fine that she rejected me, but to parade her previous romances in my face, with absolutely no concern on how it may affect me as I was sitting right next to her at the time? Come on... that is just not on.

Again, am I the crazy one, or is she?

To be honest, that two weeks while not speaking to her, I was so much more relaxed. To be her friend is... in a word, exhausting. She plays far too many games, you have to tip-toe around her to not offend her, and she thinks far too highly of her herself while judging those around her.

I am not sure it is worth the effort in remaining friends really. Regardless of my feelings for her.

I talked to my best mate about all this. It is pretty rare for me to call him out of the blue to ask for advice about girls (cause, you know, that's not what bro's do too often), but this circumstance was different. He was pretty much on my side, and said that he had been in a similar situation where a girl basically paraded this new guy in front of him despite knowing that he was really into her. So, he could get where I was coming from.

All the above happened only 1 hour ago, and I am typing this at 1am as I am finishing off the bottles of wine that her, Brendan, and I had started for the night.

I'm still raging, and am honestly more furious than I have been in a very long time indeed. I don't often get this worked up, but surely this is just not on? Surely the human race has far more decency? As mentioned already (but I feel I must repeat this) I know I for one rejected a girl recently who was very much into me, but I made sure we remained good friends, and I sure as hell do not speak in front of her about the good looking girls that I have been interested in, for I know that if I did it wouldn't make her feel good about herself at all.

Am I the crazy one?

(Side note: I have drunk a lot of wine before, and during, the typing of this post haha)