21 April 2014

Things are confusing

I have been restless this entire week. It's a subtle restlessness, one that hides just below my conscious, where I know it is there and that it affects my mood drastically, but unless I stop to think about it I just can't seem to grasp it entirely.

If I would have to guess at the confusion... well it would obviously have to be in regards to Gen, and Kerry.

So I mentioned a while back about this girl I had met, where we got along really fantastically, yet in the end I felt that I was chasing a dead-end so I decided to delete her number and not reach out to her anymore. Well... I didn't blog about it, but long story short I decided to reach out to her one last time (via email) about 3 weeks since we had last spoken. Turns out that my assumption that she didn't want to see me anymore was way off and that she just has terrible time management skills! We have been hanging out almost weekly since then. So, that's cool.

The last time we hung out was a week ago. It was a Sunday, we both had a lot of work to do so we decided it'd be fun if we met up and did our own work together, just to make it a bit more fun than if we did it whilst alone at home. That was followed up with dinner and a movie that night, so it was a great day.

But again... either I am completely missing them, or they don't exist in the first place, but I am not quite getting any kind of signs of interest indicating that there is the possibility that our hang outs could possibly be for more than 'just friends'. While I am happy to hang out with her as friends, I'd still like to know if there was the chance that it may in time slowly progress into something more... but not too slowly.

I think you get what I mean. Ha, well on seconds thoughts, I am not sure even I know what I mean!

Now all this would have been fine... if it wasn't for what happened a few days ago.

Once a week I attend a French language class for fun, although we are currently on a 2 week break from that. In class I've made a few friends, one of whom is Kerry. She's pretty awesome. On a whim, with the fact that we had no French class this week, I thought I'd ask if she wanted to grab dinner instead (just as friends, although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little interested in her).

Her reply: "Hey, yeah that could be fun, count me in. Just from the start however I want to say that it will have to be just as friends, as I have kind of started seeing someone"

"Cool, just as friends is fine by me" was my reply.

Long story short, we have an absolute blast over dinner, had some wine, after dinner we move onto a bar, drink some more, laugh a lot more, and end up kissing. I have a  personal "don't go home with drunk girls" rule, so in the end I put her in a taxi and we went our separate ways.

The next morning the previous night was running through my head (as was the monstrously pounding headache, made worst by my 9am work start). Despite how random the night was (her saying it will just be as friends, only to end up kissing... a lot), I realized that I had had an absolutely awesome time with her nonetheless. I then started daydreaming about future fun hang outs we could have... but alas, I always get a little ahead of myself.

That night she sent me a text message: "So, I am a little mortified about my actions of last night. It is clear that I am not in the right state of mind to be in a relationship right now, and I really don't want to end up hurting you."

I had a feeling that this is how she would feel the following morning. It made me question if I made the right choice. While in my mind I never ever want to feel like I am 'taking advantage' of a girl or playing on their insecurities by going home with them whilst they are drunk... I am also confused at how me taking the 'noble' approach (by not going home with her whilst she was drunk) that it doesn't seemed to have helped at all, and perhaps has made the situation even worst?

In other words... if I went home with her, would she still be having these regrets? Sigh...

Anyways, so that is where I am currently at. There is Gen, whom I think I would like to have a chance with as we have so much in common and she seems like a really great person. But at the same time, I don't know if there is anything there as I haven't seen even the slightest flirtation whatsoever. This situation is actually a little easier to deal with, as I know I will never know unless I try, so that is exactly what I will do very soon (gone are the days were I used to be too scared to make a move anymore... cool). I just hate the waiting, that's all.

Then lastly, there is Kerry, who I had such amazing fun with, and I think I would really really like to see where it could lead. But... now she doesn't seem keen on the idea, which could possibly have nothing to do with me and everything to do with how she is feeling about herself? Why does me being a nice guy, who respects girls, have the complete opposite effect for what I thought it should? She seems like she has been with douchebags in the past, or assumes that all guys are douchebags, so I go ahead and be a not-douchebag... isn't that the right thing to do? Damn it... maybe I should have gone home with her... arghhhh....

Anyways. So I have two girls, no answers, a plethora of questions, and confusion about it all in between!

It is all worth it in the end... right? Sigh...

26 March 2014

Winter is coming

I don't want to go through another winter alone. Again. The 5th in a row.

Oh fuck it... whatever I type next, I've already typed and felt on this blog literally dozens of times before, and literally hundreds of times in my own head as I walk around or drive my car.

I am alone. Again. Like always. It is the same as last year. It is the same as the year before that. And the one before that. And even... the one before that one too.

My optimism wavers... perhaps this winter, it won't be the same as the last, and I won't be alone for a change. Or if not this winter, maybe the one after this one? Or even... the one after that one.

Or maybe, the world simply sucks, I hate it, and I can't think of anything to do different. I've fucked up every single time I have tried, and I have basically run out of options and am lacking the drive to even try anymore.

Maybe, for the first time in years, I am starting to just simply... accept it. Accepting the fact that winter is coming soon, and I've got my douna cover, and can watch movies on my laptop whilst staying warm, and it will just be me doing it. And it is the same for all the other winter activities... I guess I can still enjoy them, or at the very least continue to do them... just accepting that it will be just me doing them like always.

I'll cook myself warm soup and bread. I'll play my video games while it rains outside like always. I'll contine to walk the supermarket isles for my groceries, ignoring everyone around me and just be lost in my own daydreams. I'll just... continue, just me, like I've done for the last 5 years I guess. Everything will be the same, it will be exactly like last winter... and the one before that, and the one before that. And even, the one before that one too.

Just me, staying warm, just... continueing on. Again. I guess.

I am finally sick of wondering why, or wishing for change, or rallying for hope. I'll continue to mope about it, because, to put it frankly, it makes me feel a little better when I do. But... after repeating this cycle for so many years... I really don't care anymore.

If only I could stop the pain though... that is the one thing that never goes away. Ever.


25 February 2014

The day of the great milestone

Today, I believe, could become one of the most important milestones of my entire life. Let me start from the beginning.

In 2010 I completed my Thesis, thus graduating with Honours from my University. During this year I also taught one of the practical classes at the University, something I immensely enjoyed.

In 2011 I worked full-time at my job, spending my free time researching and saving money excessively for my planned trip to New York City, a place I had been dreaming of living in for years.

In 2012 I quit my well paying, comfortable job, and took a flight to Los Angeles and slowly backpacked my way around America, just making it up as I went.

In 2013 I finally returned home to Australia after 1-year of travel around America. Obviously, I was unemployed (which was a difficult time in my life... just joking, it was awesome!). I returned to my old University asking if they had any work available, and with my previous experience of teaching a practical class before, and of being an ex-graduate of theirs, one lecturer was happy to give me one of his practical classes to me.

Turns out that I got a pretty great score in the Student Evaluations for that class. Then as luck would have it, the lecturer whos class I took for the semester was to be taking long-service leave for the first-half of 2014. He recommended me to be his replacement in his absense.

In 2014 I got accepted to be a Lecturer at the University for two units (the units that are usually taught by the lecturer who was taking long-service leave). Wow!

My job title was 'Sessional', which is kind of like a contractor, seeing as I only work for the University on a temporary basis when a position needs filling. This means I could be teaching one semester, but then have nothing the next. I was just so grateful to have a chance to teach even for this semester, and especially as a lecturer which is a big step up from anything I had previously done for them.

Last week I got a surprise email from the Associate Head of School, to paraphase it went something like this:
"Hi Aaron, I understand you will be a Sessional with us this semester, taking over for Jason who is on long-service leave. How would you be interested in accepting a full-time contract with us instead?"


It was a nervous week awaiting if my application would be approved or not. The cynic in me said it was too good to be true (the position really was beyond my wildest dreams!), while the optimist said to keep faith and hope for the best.

Today I am no longer a Sessional at the University... instead, I became a full-time Associate Lecturer, I will be unit coordinator for a unit and lecturer for another, and I start on Monday :D

11 February 2014

I took a big step today

This was the furthest I had gotten for quite some time, so I guess that should count for something. Although if anything, it makes what I just did all that much harder really.

I made the initial effort when we first met (I'd be absolutely no where if I never made the initial effort, with anyone, for some reason), and soon enough we hung out together. It was awesome. I took her to my favourite beach, and we walked, and laughed, got lunch, and spent pretty much the whole day together. It was a great, fun, first time hang out.

I was hoping we'd do another one fairly soon after the first. I sent a text to express my interest in doing such a thing, and encouragingly she replied with equal enthusiasm. "Sounds great, will let you know when I am free as soon as I know what days I am working!" was her text back.

A month went by of silence.

By that stage I had pretty much written her off... but the optimistic in me thought to give it one last chance, so I sent a brief "How's it going text" in the new year.  A few days later I got a reply "Hey! Sorry for disappearing over the holidays there, got really busy at work. Still up for that hang out again? I will let you know when I can!". It was a huge surprise to hear from her again after all that time, but alas, it was a great surprise, and I certainly wasn't going to brush her off.

The following week, we hung out again. It was a repeat of the first time really; a walk along the beach, then lunch, and before we knew it the day was gone and we've had a blast (I believe she had too?). It was so easy to do, to spend the whole day together. I don't know... it was just... cool.

Over lunch there was talk of her computer needing fixing. "Hey, I am in I.T remember, let me know if you want me to have a look at it some time." I inform her. Surprisingly it was only a couple of days later where I got a text from her, requesting my technical support. I agreed to it immediately, knowing that it'd be another chance to hang out.

Leading up to the day I was genuinely excited for it. I've never been that excited to hang out with someone for a very long time indeed. When the day finally arose and I found myself driving over to her house, my excitment actually turned to nerves!

As soon as she opened the door however, I already felt at ease.

We had a blast. Who knew fixing a computer could be so much fun! The last two hours of my time at her house was simply us watching hilarious YouTube videos (we'd gotten completely sidetracked from actually fixing the computer long beforehand really, that's a good sign, right?). I didn't leave till dusk... it was a good day.

Seeing as I didn't actually get to finish fixing her computer entirely, I figured I should send a text saying that we should get together again so I can finish it off. I didn't want to look... 'clingy' or something, so I waited 5 days from our last hang out before sending the text. You know, that seems casual, right?

As predicted, she took a day to reply again. And... I don't know, something clicked in me as I read the text. It wasn't what was in the text message per se (although it did sound a tad less heartful then previous ones), but I guess I just hated how... one-sided this all seemed, you know? It was mostly me making all the effort to organize these hang outs, it was me replying immediately to her texts and not making her wait... it just suddenly dawned on me that "if she really, genuinely wanted to hang with me, then she'd be making more effort in return, right?"

And suddenly it annoyed me, and made me a little sad for just a little while too, that here is this girl whom I genuinely think is cool, who I have so much in common with, and have a truly fun time with...but I guess she doesn't quite feel the same about me? Well, not to the extent where she would be making more of an effort anyway.

I am getting older now, and I guess I am starting to recognize time wasters and dead ends when I see one (finally). So, I did something that I have never been brave enough or smart enough to ever do before... I deleted her number, and I deleted her text messages, completely cutting off any way of contacting her. As much as I truly do like her... I can't keep pursueing these girls that clearly don't feel the same way in return. It is something I've been doing for years now, and time and time again it always ends badly (obviously).

And while the optimist in me is raging at my decision, trying to tempt me to keep purseing by yelling at me from the back of my mind "You fool! You never know unless you try!", the self-respect in me is saying "Dude, you know what? You deserve better then this".

I guess I just have to keep waiting until I find one that is actually worth wasting my time on (which translates to: one who thinks that I am worth wasting time on in return).

15 January 2014

2013: Let's start over, shall we?

It is currently January 14th, 2014, but I am yet to do my customary 'year just gone by recap'. Part of me was lazy, and part of me just wasn't feeling it. I still don't really feel like it, but, you know... got to keep up the tradition!

2013. Sucked. Balls.

It was easily one of the worst I have had for quite some time. I returned from my year long backpacking trip around America in the first quarter of the year, only to struggle to adapt being back home again.

But at the same time, I realized that being back home, and unemployed, provided me the rare opportunity for an entirely new start in life, so I mapped out what my goals were to be for the rest of 2013 (with teaching more classes at my old University, pursuing my freelance career more vigorously, and getting a new girlfriend being chief among them).

This all started off well. I got some classes to teach, I was getting a few freelance clients, and this girl (whom I have been crazy about for years now) and I went on a weekend inter-state holiday together for the fun of it, so that was looking positive as well.

Fast forward to the end half of the year, and I was thoroughly depressed about pretty much everything. I hated the house I was living in and the stupid housemates within it, I ended up asking the girl out (whom I was crazy about), but got rejected (which sucked), and then we had an arguement and stopped being friends all together (which I hated).

I didn't even blog during the entirety of November (which is not like me), I felt lost, cheated... you get the idea.

But, as we begin 2014... I have to say, honestly, that 2013 was one of the best things that could have happened to me. It is hard to see it at the time, but upon looking back you can really get a new perspective on things.

2013 sucked, there's no doubt about that, but it was the year I set new goals for what I wanted out of life, which I think helped me realize what makes me tick and where my passions lie. I've now moved into an entirely new house, one that has none of the qualities that I hated of the old (something I might not have known about if I hadn't lived in the crappy one in 2013).

It was the year I took a huge risk and leap at the chance to be happy when I asked the girl out, despite knowing that it might ruin my friendship with her, and that all our other friends would know about me asking, and also despite being nervous as hell, I did it anyway. And I know the next time I am in that situation I will be able to handle it better.

It was the year that I hated so, so much, that I think has put me in a much better position in making 2014 a year that I will enjoy. One of the best ways to enjoy life, is to know what you don't enjoy about it (or something like that anyway).