13 October 2009


Do you ever pause and think about life? I do, everyday. I pause to think about the things I am grateful for, as well as the things I am not grateful for, and regrettably spend some time thinking about the things that I hate.

I believe in a lot of things, that things aren't always as they appear, especially when you think you've got it all figured out. I like to think a little highly of myself at times, that I have a slightly heightened sense of the world and people around me. I try my best to understand things, it's how I work, my own peculiar way I seem to posses as I wade my way through the complex weave of life that we all seem to follow. Although we all follow a separate path, something I like to observe and try to unravel.

Why is it that I seem to be able to predict the moves, thoughts, and decisions of some of the close people around me, or even at times complete strangers, yet I can't even guess what I should be doing next? I guess some of you may think 'it is good not knowing what is coming next, or what is the right thing to do, that's what makes life fun, meaningful and forever new', and logically I would have to agree, yet at times like this I agree reluctantly.

The old me would of agreed in a heartbeat, back in the day as they say, the quote I live by. Everything seemed better back then, simpler due to our naivety when we are young, how wrong I was. I look back now, it wasn't that long ago, maybe 3 years ago perhaps. Man I was such a free spirit, the world was at my fingertips, everyday was an adventure, something new to discover. Everything I ever did I did with all my heart, down to every heart beat... loyalty, honesty, hate, love, revenge, dream, achieve, I can barely remember anymore. I was passionate that's for sure.

Perhaps that was a mistake? No, it can't be, I cannot succumb myself to that conclusion. Everything I ever did I did for others, my loyalty, honesty and love towards the people around me were my most proudest assets I possessed, as I could see the people around me were thankful for this, and all I asked in return was for them to do same back to me. I know now that I gave these assets away blindly, something I always thought I was far too clever to fall for.

I would of followed a friend into battle even if I knew it meant death, for the sake of loyalty. Now is that stupid, or the way the world is meant to be?

What is my point? No idea, which I think is the point in itself. I guess I am just looking for some answers, or better yet, some guidance. Who's to blame? Sometimes I think I know who to blame, sometimes I wonder if I am the cause of it all.

I hope the old me returns some day, I thought I glimpsed him walk by the other day, and just knowing he was around rose my spirits to heights they haven't been for a very long time. He looked exactly how I remember him, constant smile, surrounded by friends, a joke or story being told, followed by howls of laughter by all, and the mysterious eyes that you knew were hiding away some new scheme he was planning, regardless of how bold it may be.

But my most favourite feature was his walk. He walked with confidence, with hope. You got the sense that he had absolutely no idea where he was heading, which only seemed to make him walk faster in eager anticipation for what was around the corner.

We all have our moments, I guess this is one of mine. Yet I fear that mine are far too frequent for my liking, something I am working on no doubt. It takes time apparently, as I keep getting told by some of the true friends in my life. It is a shame that there are countless people in my life that mean more to me then they will ever know. Some I have known for half my life, while others are very new, all have changed me in ways they couldn't possibly imagine. Hmm, maybe one day I should thank them all... why do I fear what they will say if I did that?

I have become bitter, something I swore to myself I would never become when I grew older. For now I think hope and honesty are my virtues I should live by, regardless of how that has worked out for me in the past. Hope for the future, honesty to the people around me.

I hate them so much for what they did dammit, I still don't understand it, I don't think I ever will. After everything I ever did for them, I gave them everything, sacrificed so much. It was more then just a friendship, they were my life, a part of my very soul, and they can so readily just walk away from that? Sure things were complex, but I couldn't of predicted what was going to happen even in my worst nightmares... this was just at a whole new level. How can I have gotten everything so terrible wrong, surely I seen it coming? In my apparent 'hightened sense of the world around me', I failed to see what the 2 most closest people to me in the world were thinking.

Well, actually, I did know exactly what they were thinking, I confronted them many times... but again, my loyalty got in the way, and I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I should of learned! How can I say 'my naivety when I was young', it seems to have carried with me to my later, more 'experienced' years of life also, and sadly is a mistake I will probably make again. They lied to my face... how? How could you do that to anyone?... your best friends.

You deserve everything out of life, never doubt that you don't.


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