30 January 2011

Move along

My mind is a bit of a mess at the moment, so I think as an experiment (as I'm really struggling to get thoughts into words at the moment) I will just type it out as it comes.  No structure, no plan, no point.

It is a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon at the moment.  I am currently sitting in a park in Melbourne City under the shade of a beautiful shady tree with my friend Sabrina.  We've just come back from the Melbourne Museum, which was fun.  It's just... this is the same thing I have done for over a year now, I go with Sabrina (who is purely just a friend) to all these places like out for dinner, and museums, parks, the beach, the cinemas... and it dawns on me all to clearly that these activities are much more preferred (and expected) for a involved couple.

Which sadly still seems to be out of my... luck?

I had that chance recently.  Which, if you have read my blog for quite some time, I have mentioned these 'chances' many times before.  The trend is the fact that these chances always remain just quite out of my level of reach or luck it seems... with me usually ending the post with some cliche' pick-me-up line like 'wishing for better days'.

This latest girl however was quite amazing.  We had heaps in common, I actually found myself missing her if we hadn't spoken in a few days, she has all the typical characteristics I often look for such as smart, engaging, interesting, kind... but also had those bonus qualities like funny, similar interests, intellectual and fun.

Alas, like every other freakin aspect of my life... this one also got complicated.  To be put shortly, she had been in a semi-involvement with one of my best mates a while back... he isn't quite over it still. I've asked if he would be cool if I try and take it further with her, he said that would be cool by him... but I got the sense that that wasn't quite the truth.  Me being my typical loyal self chose mate over girl thus decided not to pursue my desires.

Another chapter comes to an end.  Sigh.

I just can't believe after such a long time, I am still waiting for the chapter in my book that I have been working towards.  Will it happen by chance? Maybe I am just being impatient, and not letting life run its course the way it is meant to be run?  Who knows.

I had decided to stop putting too much time and effort into this latest girl.  We hung out a few weeks back (this was before I talked to my mate), and it really well.  Now even after talking to my mate, I'd still like to become better friends at least, but she has since declined two more invitations to hang out, thus my stubborn depression has gotten the better of me and I have decided to leave it all behind... cutting all ties up to an extent.

Lately I have moved on from a dramatized 'depression' about the whole situation (e.g. "Why does this always work out this way to meeee") to just a gradual boil of rage under the surface.  I am just so sick of this apparent bad luck that's all, it's getting to the point where I am starting to worry I may develop violent tendencies as a way to deal with the impending rage.  But relax, it would never come to me harming myself, or anyone else around me... the usual victim of my violent outbursts are my pillow, drink bottles that get slung across the room, and the wrapping on dry foods as I get frustrated if my attempts to open the packaging doesn't complete successfully in less than 0.5 seconds ha.

I have been keeping a record of these woes via this blog for quite some time now.  My hope is still that some day in the (hopefully nearby) future I will be in a much better place in my life, allowing myself to look back at these posts and count myself lucky things did finally change after all.

On the other hand... I worry deeply that in 6 months time I will still be writing similar posts...

22 January 2011

The battle

"Your a good guy, you know that?"

Something my best friend said to me the other day, the result of myself being my usual noble and loyal self as I made a decision that would put my happiness second but a friendship first. That being my friendship with one of my longest remaining friends, a meaningful friend to me, who sadly doesn't appear to be reprocated from his end quite as much.

But alas, that's just how I am.

In truth, he won't even know I have made this decision, one that will save him from hurt but rob me of a desire I have had now for far too long.  In part it was a easy decision, mostly because of our friendship but also because of past events, where similar situations have arisen.  Situations that sent a shock wave through every aspect of my life.

Does the cliche' line of 'nice guys finish last' really exist?

Well I refuse to get dramatic, there is a line I shall obey ha.  Just gets a little over whelming when I am talking to an amazing girl that I have no future with, sitting at home on a Saturday night with nothing better to do, and in an act I swear is the Universe just trying to push me that little further I turn around to find my PC has died. 

It is strange because it appeared I was doing so well until recently.  I successfully finished my Honours year of University, I had a great break over Christmas, had an awesome New Years Eve celebration... and yet now, just this past week or so, I seem to be stumbling backwards.

Well, guess I'll just keep pushing on, keep my head high and stay optimistic for the future. As best as I can that is.

16 January 2011

Catches up or never lets go?

I've been through quite a lot in my time, somehow managing to resolve the majority to the extent where it doesn't cause problems down the track.  It seems however that that is not always the case.

My last relationship towards the end, to be put simply, was just ridiculous and insane, an absolute mind, emotion and body bender. Granted this was my first ever relationship and we did last a solid 3 years before ending it, with a follow up year of we-are-just-friends-but-kind-of-more-than-friends scenario, all of which concluded in the worst possible way imaginable through lies, cheating, deceit, mind games... it was intense.  But alas, we were young I guess so no hard feelings.

My quarry however is that it appears some of the side affects of that time of my life (which is about 18 months ago now), that I had thought was completely behind me, have stuck with me. That time of our 'un-official' final year together was tough... I have never felt more isolated, jealous, forgotten and betrayed in my life then I did at that time.  Since then I have obviously recovered, I have good close friends whom I can trust and there is no glaring repercussions that affect my day to day interactions... until recently that is.

It appears, especially when it comes to social relationships, that my paranoia and the feeling of being easily forgotten is easily triggered.  Too easily for my liking.  On one hand I am hoping it simply arrives as it brings up unwelcome memories of times past, therefore it is only temporary, and I should keep in mind that these new people in my life aren't like the old thus unlikely to abandon or betray me like previous people have done.  On the other hand, the fear that this has nothing to do with the past and it is just the type of person I am is a worrying thought as it consequently fuels the concern that they could be like people from my past, a scary thought as I don't know how well I could cope to go through it all again.

Alas it is of my own problem and concern... something that I must address.

11 January 2011

Has finally broke

That's it, they win.  The Universe, Fate, Destiny and Luck, all of whom seem to continue their crusade against me relentlessly, have finally broken me. The battle is lost.

I just don't know what it is I am doing wrong, or what it is I am not doing perhaps.  I work hard, I think profusely to try and choose the best decision, I look after myself and those around me.  Why then are you all against me?

For work purposes I decided I need to buy a...

Hmm, It appears I just received an unexpected sms, from the one person in the world I actually feel like talking to right now.  It wasn't a meaningful sms, nor did it contain anything of significance, but the simple gesture that they wanted to sms me instead of waiting for me to come back online is pretty meaningful.  To me at least. Especially at a time such as this.

It really is the little things in life I guess.

It is scary to think that this may backfire but... I have put a lot of hope into one certain upcoming event in my life.  I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, I have been in this exact situation before in the past, something which didn't work out the way I had hoped, ultimately disappointing me greatly because of it.  The fear of it happening again is great, but I guess life isn't worth living without putting yourself out there, true?

Time will very shortly tell, I am on the very edge of something either truly amazing or deeply devastating taking place.

Wish me the very best of luck.

09 January 2011

Decide with my indecisiveness

Alas holidays are over, the year has ticked over once more, work has begun, and I now find myself in a major crossroad in my life... to summarize it in a question with the appropriate tone that represents my thoughts at this very minute "What the hell do I do with myself this year?".

There is many options to choose from, and I like that.  I like the fact that my hard work the last few years allows me to take quite a few different directions, all equally as rewarding and challenging.  This bounty of choices however does not bode well in contrast to my personality, specifically the personality trait of extreme indecisiveness ha.  Well I guess the best way to approach it is to address each option.

So, what have I got to choose from in the year that is 2011, something that will no doubt set me up for 2012 and beyond?

Option one, work full time. I have been at my current job as a Software Developer at a small I.T company for 2.5 years now.  The pay is good, the work is fun, and to put simply I absolutely love working there... to the extent that I am actually excited that tomorrow in Monday ha.  This will allow me to gain more experience, save up more money... and... that's about it really.  Just a year of work.

Next is a small idea I have had had for some time now, to return to Uni yet again to get a Masters in Teaching degree.  Why? Well the term 'why not' springs to mind really lol.  It is only for one extra year, and having that title under my belt opens up a vast amount of employment opportunities in the future, always a good thing.  Besides, I have heard that, unlike I.T, there is actually girls within the classes, something that is always a plus ha.  The downside however is that it means I'll need to return back to work at only a part-time capacity... which means a lot less money to be saved. 

Lastly, and I will admit this one is purely for the fun of it, is the option to continue being a teachers assistant at my University.  I did this last year for only one class and absolutely loved it, the chance to get more involved with a greater number of classes this year sounds very cool indeed. But alas, like the one above, this means only part-time work.

So, I think that is my three options... I wish I could do them all, seriously  Oh and by the way, my dream of some day moving to New York is actually becoming a reality with plans to leave at the end of the year... woah! On one hand I should just stay full time at my job and save up as much money as possible before I leave... on the other hand, I have the next 40 years ahead of me for the chance to work full time, maybe now is the time I should be doing the fun things like getting a Masters of Teaching and continuing my teachers assistant position.

Sometimes it seems my life is just always go go go... which in a way it is.  I would love to to be able to just work full time for a few months and not have to make any decisions.  However the Uni year starts early March, thus these decisions, decisions that will have a huge impact on the rest of my life, need to be made now. Problem is, as mentioned before, I am terribly indecisive.

Well I am definitely not prepared to start deciding right this minute.  They are listed here in detail, so that's a start of some sorts.  I just need someone to discuss this with, hopefully find some guidance and wise advice... any takers lol? I'll find someone, I somehow always do.

The future, however mostly unknown, is bright.  It will be a good year I am sure of it.

03 January 2011

Dear Oz

I know you will read this some day, which is scary and cool at the same time. I wanted to give you the address to this blog tonight... just, I don't know, it is quite a big step, there is still so much you don't know.

You would be the absolute first of my friends to read this. Count yourself honoured I guess =P

We talked about fate and coincidences for a little while tonight.  I brought it up because of you. Sometimes I wander if meeting you was meant to be, or if it was indeed nothing, like countless other cool girls I have met before. You have so many qualities I cherish, and the personality to match, I'd like to get to know you more but sadly I know it is probably just an out there wish shared by me and me alone.

Which is ok because, as I am sure you know, I've shut myself in long ago to not get my hopes too high about such things anymore.

Sigh, but, I guess that's a lie. While I'm typing this as you do your Sheldon face and scratch your 'heel' on the webcam, I tell myself to not get my hopes up... but I can't help it, and my hopes get high regardless. You nailed it perfectly when you said "It didn't happen this time.  But you never know what the future holds"... that's the phrase I reluctantly live by. It is my curse.

I hope you enjoy reading, there is quite a lot here, you'll notice the mood and topics change drastically depending on the times, which is interesting. Just know that this is as close to the real me as you could ever get.

We talked about being more open to people, so this post was my attempt.  I hope it was within the boundaries. 

Take care,