26 March 2014

Winter is coming

I don't want to go through another winter alone. Again. The 5th in a row.

Oh fuck it... whatever I type next, I've already typed and felt on this blog literally dozens of times before, and literally hundreds of times in my own head as I walk around or drive my car.

I am alone. Again. Like always. It is the same as last year. It is the same as the year before that. And the one before that. And even... the one before that one too.

My optimism wavers... perhaps this winter, it won't be the same as the last, and I won't be alone for a change. Or if not this winter, maybe the one after this one? Or even... the one after that one.

Or maybe, the world simply sucks, I hate it, and I can't think of anything to do different. I've fucked up every single time I have tried, and I have basically run out of options and am lacking the drive to even try anymore.

Maybe, for the first time in years, I am starting to just simply... accept it. Accepting the fact that winter is coming soon, and I've got my douna cover, and can watch movies on my laptop whilst staying warm, and it will just be me doing it. And it is the same for all the other winter activities... I guess I can still enjoy them, or at the very least continue to do them... just accepting that it will be just me doing them like always.

I'll cook myself warm soup and bread. I'll play my video games while it rains outside like always. I'll contine to walk the supermarket isles for my groceries, ignoring everyone around me and just be lost in my own daydreams. I'll just... continue, just me, like I've done for the last 5 years I guess. Everything will be the same, it will be exactly like last winter... and the one before that, and the one before that. And even, the one before that one too.

Just me, staying warm, just... continueing on. Again. I guess.

I am finally sick of wondering why, or wishing for change, or rallying for hope. I'll continue to mope about it, because, to put it frankly, it makes me feel a little better when I do. But... after repeating this cycle for so many years... I really don't care anymore.

If only I could stop the pain though... that is the one thing that never goes away. Ever.