22 February 2010

'Instructional' Writing

I was searching my computer the other day and came across a bunch of stuff I wrote when I was back in Highscool. I came across this... interesting, piece of work I wrote in English. The task was to write an Instructional Writing piece, and.. I don't know, I guess I thought I was some kind of expert of girls lol?

I can't recall exactly when this was, either year 8 or 9, and I can't remember if it was before my first serious girlfriend or during. This is completely un-edited, word for word is original. I didn't want to post it but Sabbi and Martyn insisted. Enjoy lol.

Instructional Writing
'How to pick up a girl'
by Aaron

1) Present yourself nicely, pop your pimples, comb your hair, shine your shoes and finally brush your teeth.

2) Best to bring some friends along too, to pull you out if you get into trouble, like accidentally saying hi to someone who you thought was a woman from behind, but was a different story when they turned around, it can be dangerous out there.

3) Once you think your looking good enough, you probably wrong, so best to get a second opinion, remember first impressions count a lot to your unlucky victim.

3b) But getting the right opinion is very important, you don’t want someone who automatically thinks you are the most handsome in the world I.E YOUR MUM! You want someone who will be brutally honest, your mates!

4) Once you get bagged like crazy about how stupid and dorky you look, according to your mates, you then know you are right to go. Chicks love the look which guys think is dumb.

5) Get in your car and head off. But where to go? The destruction derby of course! Ha as if, for a good supply you’ll need to be a bit more adventurous, which means you need to go to a Night Club.

6) Now go to a fairly flash club, but not too flash. Once in, you’ll probably realize you have plenty to choose from, but also learn that you have plenty of competition. This means your going to have to stand out.

7) Stroll in and take a seat at the bar with your friends at your flank, and relax to take in your scenery to become better prepared. Take your pick on who to try your luck on first, but you better choose at least 5 possible candidates, because getting a girl is very tough indeed, so best to have back-ups for when you fail. Yes the truth hurts, you will fail!

8) Once you’ve chosen, there are a few steps to take. WAIT! You can’t go yet you fool!

b) Stay where you are. First, and most importantly, make sure she isn’t taken. One, it can make for an unnecessary embarrassment which isn’t the first impression we are hoping for. And two, also can course some unnecessary injuries.

c) Also see if she has girlfriends with her, which is most likely the case as they seem to travel in packs. If this is the case, best not to go in alone, it is hard enough to try and impress one girl, but that becomes extremely harder if you have to impress her friends too!

9) But first off, first impressions count a lot, so you’ll need to plan your pick-up line. Plan your pick-up line carefully, a classic line could be good, because it is proven to work but a new creative line could work wonders because it shows your different and ummm….exciting?

10) Once that is done, it is time to move in. If it is a group of girls, bring your friends along too, so they can distract the others while you can focus on your target. Unleash your line, but first say a friendly ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ if your not planning on using a line, other wise, start off with your line straight away. But please do not use something corny like ‘Hello baby, I got the engine running and it is hot for you’

11) Now, with that done, you’ll either get rejected, and if that is the case, you move on to your back-ups. But, if you were smooth enough to keep her interested for more then 3 seconds, your in! So don’t blow it yet. Stay interesting, you don’t want her to find out how much of a bore you are, so a little exaggeration here and there in your stories work a treat. A small sympathy story might be good to, but don’t over do it.

12) After a while of chatting, if everything is still going smoothly, ask her to dance, but make sure it is a song you can dance to, well dance good enough to that you aren’t stepping on her feet or elbowing her in the ribs. So, at the right moment, ask her, and lead her to the dance floor, only take her hand if she gives it to you, don’t want to move to fast, she’d freak out.

13) Now with this part, it all depends on how much of a skilled dancer you are, if you are, like most guys out there, very hopeless, then do not try anything even slightly fancy! It will most likely even up in tears. Stick to the basics, don’t get to far from her, but not too close, and don’t let those other shifty guys try and ask her to dance, you worked hard to get this far.

14) By this stage, if is still with you even after your dorky pick-up lines and jelly like dancing, you must of somehow made an impression on her! Continue chatting, and don’t do anything unless she suggests it.

And that is the end of the ‘How to pick up’ instruction manual.


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