Close your eyes, now reflect

I am so sleepy right now as I sit here at work, and I have been meaning to add a new reflective blog for a while now as it has been some time since my last one (I haven't even written much in my book lately, been really busy).  What brougt this up was my post about Jason's 21st party (which is still currently being written... well more accurately, it has already been written but it was terrible so I took it down and am re-doing it lol Which you can read all about here 'Jason's 21st').

Anyways, yes, I mentioned the fact during the Jason's party recap that it is getting relatively easy to ignore 'them'... although in some latest developments it isn't always so.  I am not sure if I want to keep this blog to a reflection or a rant... maybe combine them both?  I am hesitant on how that would turn out lol.

Every now and again I will read some of my old blogs, which I guess aren't actually that old yet, but in my crazy messed up year I have had even 2 months feels like an eternity.  So, where am I now?  Well I guess it is a little hard to understand where I currently am, without first understanding where I have come from, true?  Hmm, but I don't think I am quite ready to divulge that kind of detail just yet (or possibly, if ever), so just assume that an event occurred which turned my life upside down.

One of the biggest results of what happened was a complete reshuffle of my friendships and groups.  I lost my 2 best friends (one of 16 years, the other of 5 years), with the repercussions of that still affecting me drastically today.  The biggest problem was that my best friends were obviously apart of my group of friends... so when there is a split within a group, it is hard to keep the group alive.  People chose sides, true colours were shown, a veil of deceit blanketing most involved, and definitely a lot of talk took place behind closed doors.  In the end your left with a group of people you once called your brothers, that you can now barely call acquaintances... not due to the fact that they have openly shown a retraction from your friendship, rather because no one ever says what they really think, so you never know what peoples intentions are.

It also opens your eyes that you can so easily take things for granted.  Me and the guys, known by all as 'The Crew' (not in a gangsta type way lol, it was just the name we used to refer to our group), anyway, the Crew has (had) been together for 9 years now, we did absolutely everything together, birthdays, went on holidays, countless parties, soooo many stories of the crazy stuff we got up to, I am sure you know what I am talking about.  Sure we all had friends outside the Crew, but you know how its like, you've got friends, then you've got REAL friends, ya know?  I never imagined that I wouldn't have those real friends anymore... after that long of a time of always being together, always having them to rely on no matter what, you kind of just assume it would be like that forever (or at least end on better circumstances).

Then one day... (well in 4 days to be exact)... poof, gone.  Just like that everything I once knew, relied on, cared for, thrown in a downwards spiral of chaos with small chance of it being able to return to normal.  I knew as soon as it all happened that things would never be the same, honestly after what they did, how could it ever go back to how it once was?  There is a fine line between 'pride' getting in the way, and what I deem to be 'morally correct', to why we couldn't return to being friends.

What's my point?  Hmm well I guess I could throw in a weakly conjured excuse of... well actually it depends which way I want to approach it lol.  I could be rather cynical and say my point is 'never think you've got it all figured out, always have a backup plan in case of the worst, remember in the end it is you against everyone'.  However that would be a little extreme (I guess =P).  On the other hand, perhaps some words of warning would be in order?  I know I have definitely used my experience as advice to others, many times actually. 

Hows the saying go? 'It is good to learn from your own mistakes, but ideally it is better to learn from the mistakes of someone else'.

I now need to rant just a tad, so feel free to skip ahead if you like.  Sabbi (one of my best friends) is friends with 'them' (if your confused how that is possible... it is a long story lol.  Basically she was friends with them before all this happened, kind of).  She hangs out with them fairly regularly etc, which I am totally cool with.  'They' on the other hand, tell her that it is fine if she is friends with me... however, what is becoming almost a daily ritual she is getting bombarded with propaganda style slander in the attempts to degrade me as a person, to apparently 'warn her before I end up hurting her'.  Umm... what?  Do I need to remind 'them' that it was they who fucked me over, not the other way round?  It was they who decided to throw away 16 and 5 year long friendships for their selfish gain.

If anyone should be warning Sabbi who not to be hurt by, wouldn't it be I who should be warning her about them?   Your actions speak louder then words dumbasses.

Sabbi obviously enjoys my company quite considerably, so their words are falling on deaf ears... and have no backing to support them anyways, which I do chuckle about lol.  But what bugs me is that 5 months on, when I (the victim) rarely talk about them anymore (I am trying to move on with my life), why do they still feel the need to continue?  Surely they have done enough damage, can't they just leave me be?  I am grateful that Sabbi isn't as gullible as they wish she was, and has the ability to make her own mind up about it all... but it makes me worry about who else they are saying whatever they are saying to?

It also saddens me (and confuses me greatly) on how they can be so hostile in their thinking of me after (well what I thought to be) a long, healthy relationship with the both of them?  Again I say, it was them who was in the wrong, not I, so how can I been seen in such a bad light?

Either they really are the monsters their actions depict them to be (although I find that hard to believe as they were my absolute best friends for such a long time...), or they are just trying to justify what they did?  Who knows... sigh.

I have a sneaking suspicion that they might of found out about this little blog of mine, but meh, I don't care.  I just want to move on... if they are indeed reading, to that I say get some fucking morals and move on, or at the very least just leave me out of your silly games.

That concludes my latest reflection, things are definitely on the rise =D  Soon I will have Jason's 21st recap completed I have completed the recap about Jason's 21st which was a blast, and tonight I am heading out to the city with some mates, then a pool party tomorrow night, so expect some more eventful blogs very soon haha.

Reminiscing is a dangerous thing.