16 December 2009

Out of Sync

What is wrong?  I ask myself this frequently, constantly, and countless times in between.  No matter how good things seem to be going, I just can't shake the feeling of dread that sits so distractingly heavy in the depths of my inner being.

Today I went to the gym on the way home from work, sadly alone as my friend couldn't make it, which is ok, I am used to the solitude these days, but it did shake me a little for some strange reason, hence why I am here.  This needs to be unraveled.

The sooner the better. 

If you asked me what is wrong I could undoubtedly on the spot give you a list of what is on my mind these days... but they are pathetic excuses, completely materialistic in this greedy world and society we have created, what ever happened to the core values from old?  Honour, respect, loyalty, risk, adventure, achievements, advancement (both as an individual and as a people).

We are drones, or worst, sheep.

I have been spending a lot of time pondering what I want to do with my life, and where I want to be.  Visions float around more incoherently then honey thrown into an ant hill, while every now and again a stand out will show a flash of inspiration, only to be lost amongst the confusion, or possibly even stamped out by the others.  You could obviously argue that planning it all is pointless, both because there are too many variables to consider to even try to do so, but also because life is meant to be lived, not planned.

Ha, I apologize, as I know I have used that last line before.  It demotes ones creativity when people resort to repetition, however in this case it was the best candidate for my point... whatever my point may be that is.

There was a bit of a blow to my self today, a mere 20 minutes ago I might add, which was after I have already been feeling the way I have been the last few hours.  In June next year I am heading to Thailand with all my family.  Yay indeed I am sure.  My mum walked in the room (arrogantly with the nerve to interrupt Vampire Diaries I might add*), and asked if my sister and I would be fine sharing a hotel room together.  Why can't I stay with one of my cousins I thought at first... until reality hit me... they all have partners and I am the only one who does not.


I wonder how long it may be until I can make the same claim... it has been 5 months of the single life (so far...).  I am in no rush in truthfulness, that would be foolish, how would I even want to get involved with another after what my last did to me.  You bitches are all the same...

Jokes!  Haha I apologize, I couldn't resist... it is part of my charm =P  No no not at all, it was purely a joke, I do not believe that in the slightest.  Honest.  Even if I tried to believe that, I have met far too many amazing people in these last few months to ever think such a thing.  And that is one thing I cherish all the time.

The world is full of highly unique people to say the least, and just when you think that society has abandoned you, out of the haze there is always someone new to pick you up when you least expect it, and at the same time, when it is needed the most.

Or even just as good, someone old =)

So, nearly a dozen paragraphs have past, am I any closer to some form of an answer?  Not sure, I don't think I really touched on any of the outstanding issues, but rather rambled about the philosophical topics that I dwell on at an alarming frequency, purely for the academic challenge and the joy of such a challenge.  This was not always the case... I used to have a bestfriend to converse with about such topics, often over a couple of drinks... things change fast that's for sure.

Do I miss 'them'?  Of course I do, but it is the reasons of why I would miss them that is of most importance.  Is it the person that I miss, or instead the persons affect on me?  Or perhaps it just boils down to habit, a weak personal trait of compulsion to what is well understood, comforting because of its familiarity.  It could well be the fact that I don't miss them at all but instead miss the aforementioned comfort.  To be honest I don't think I could ever know no matter how hard I tried to unravel it... in the end is it really even necessary for it to be understood?  Regardless if I had the answer or not, it is all in the past and is just that, the past.

It may sound bazaar to hear (even I admit)... but I actually enjoy feeling this way at times.  Downtrodden, lost, confused... even fearful.  As sad as it is, these are all too familiar... but as mentioned above, familiarity breeds comfort.  Going back to what I know is pretty much how I live, I use it as a source of learning, sometimes take it as a warning when venturing into new territory, and often times these days, a place of shelter.  However, to take my own advice, if I am truly to use my past as a source of learning, I need to indeed learn from my mistakes... the biggest mistake being, is that I indeed do go back to what I know, am familiar with, comfortable with...

The consequences of that mistake have already been experienced first hand.

I did this when I was with my ex (I know I shouldn't have)... but naivety ruled my world, as it does most often when we are young.   She screwed me over once, messed with my head... beyond that actually.  Why did I forgive? (although I never forgot)... was it the fact that I stick to the creeds of old as mentioned earlier on?

Is decency dead in the modern age?  Seems like it at times

I know I seem to dwell on it... it is evident in my blogs.  But believe me when I say that I am over it all and that it is often only mentioned these days more as a reflection on past mistakes, to acknowledge them, learn from them and eventually grow from them.  I know I will achieve this in full eventually, I can already see I am well on my way.

I am actually a little proud of myself, I sure am a lot stronger then I ever dreamed beforehand.

The anxiety is still there... reluctant to leave it seems.  I guess maybe I just haven't found the best method to combat against it, or maybe fighting against it isn't what I should be doing at all.  That's not to say I will sit by and let it consume me, of course not.  My theory was that by just letting go, trying to relax, it may disperse on its own.  Time will tell.  Well, actually, it has dispersed many times before, some times if I am lucky it is gone for quite a number of days, yet somehow creeps back.

At the very least I can call it progress.  Progress is what I like to see.  Alas, we are only human after all, it is nice to be reminded of that every once in a while.

Keep your eyes ahead, feet on the ground (although leeping at times is allowed, I personally would encourage it), aim high, dream higher, and most importantly never look back.

*No I do not watch Vampire Diaries, but I did watch it for a little while this one time, was quite hilarious how bad it was lol.


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