03 August 2010

What an awesome day

Today, as the title may or may not suggest, was an awesome day.  Why you may ask?  Well you probably don't ask but I'll tell you anyway.

As it is Tuesday I had my class to teach, something I am enjoying immensely and am getting some great satisfaction from.  This lesson makes week 4, I enjoy learning from the previous week every time and try my best to do so.  I seem to be succeeding! My confidence has already grown substantially since my first week, I am able to stand up in front of them and they actually stop to listen.  I feel that respect must be earned rather then demanded so it is good to see that my patience and commitment to them is paying off =)

Talking to Sophie (my awesome Honours supervisor who is one of the coolest people I have ever met in my life) was interesting today.  She said a comment that made me stop and think, it has been running through my head ever since.  She asked "What did you think of the movie Inception?"

"Yeah I thought it was really great actually, really well thought out.  Which is surprising because I usually, even if I don't want to, critic the hell out of movies to the point where I can't enjoy a movie and instead think that most movies are plain, even if everyone else loves it."

"Oh, do you really do that? But your always such a positive person."

For some reason that statement hit me.  I was literally momentarily frozen.  Positive person, me?

"Huh, what? I'm lost... what?"

She chuckles a little then says "Ha ha, oh, I was just saying, you always seem to be such an optimistic and positive person and just seem to enjoy everything in life, so yeah, I was surprised to hear that you critic movies like that."

I don't know why I found that line so strange to hear.  I guess despite the vast amount of time and effort spent in self reflection that I do, and the blogs that I dedicate to thinking about my life, I spend all my time thinking about my life and never about me.  Me, the real me. What kind of vibe I give to the people around me.  To be truthful on the inside I often feel far from positive and optimistic... rather down trodden and lost would be more accurately used.

I have been pondering about it all day now.  I guess, now that it has come to my attention, that I am a rather optimistic and positive person, always laughing, planning activities (I start indoor soccer this Thursday yay), trying my very best to make people laugh or smile, always up for trying something new, 'spontaneous' my middle name if you will .  In a way I am glad that that is the image that she sees of me, doubly so due to the fact that she is one of my most favourite person in the world and I look up to her greatly. 

It would be nice to actually feel that way on the inside, instead I feel like such a fraud by not feeling on the inside what is apparently showing on the outside. Something to look into perhaps.

However, and I apologize here for dragging this on, another theory could just be the fact that I enjoy her company immensely and when I have great people around it really does bring the best out of me.  I've noticed this for years now that no matter how bad of a day or time I am having as soon as someone who I enjoy being with is around my mood just skyrockets.

Ha, wow, and just like clockwork I remember that I actually wrote something that proves that last statement further just a few days ago.

Fate strikes again.

Maybe I should just accept the fact that my happiness will always be reliant on the people around me.  Something I have expressed before, something that got proven once again today, something I have been fighting against for a long time.


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