13 November 2009

The time has come. Step up.

Tomorrow, the time has come. I knew this was going to come eventually, obviously, but I guess it was just much more comforting to fool myself to think that, sure I have to face them but it isn't for ages. Well... that denial has come to an end, and tomorrow (unless I choose not to go) I will be facing 'them' for the first time. Fuck.

I have mentioned 'them' many times throughout my short lived history of blogging, never explicitly stating who they are, nor what they did, nor going into too much detail how much I have lost, rather just expressing the fact that something terrible was done that I have been dealing with ever since. I chose it be this way for my own reasons.

So, for a bit of a pre-facing write up, how am I feeling and what are my current thoughts? I shook my head even as I wrote that, as I know I can't provide an answer to that question... I think I am still in my denial stage. As it currently stands, I think I am finally getting over everything that happened, well I know for one it doesn't play on my mind very often anymore (got more pressing matters to ponder over these days...) but... you know... doesn't mean I don't remember it, especially because it is the sole reason of why I am like I am these days.

Damn my sister is awesome, hmm I don't think I have ever mentioned her on this blog. She is 19 years old, and in the last 6 months or so we have finally grown out of our childish war that seemed to rage relentlessly, and have finally become civil lol. She has become I must say, pretty much one of my best friends (wow, that sounds soppy lol)... but its true. I seem to clash quite a lot with my parents, and my sister sees this and feels for me, so it is always great to have what feels like a team mate in an otherwise sometimes hostile environment, and being similar in age, and way way too similar in train of thought to my own, she is fantastic when you need advice, company or even a bit of a ramble.

It is also good to have someone who knows of my entire situation, the people who were involved, and have someone who can shed their opinion on the matter, especially when it comes to times like now when I am unsure of what my next move should be. It also helps that she is extremely smart! We just had a talk about what I should do when I face 'them' tomorrow night... she said exactly what I knew I should of told myself.

Tomorrow I will be at a 21st party for a good mate that I (and Adam, the ex-bestfriend) have known for a very long time indeed. Now... I have been told by all my friends when they found out I was coming 'your not allowed to make a scene'. Yep, that's exactly what I want to hear... yes I know I have a history of making scenes, but you know... how bout some fucking advice and companionship instead? Hmm, actually, that was out of line. My friends have been pretty good, sure at times I worry if I can even call them friends anymore, but I guess it is just my paranoia as they do still keep in touch, invite me to places (although rarely, I guess sometimes is better then none)... Peter has even offered to drive me to and from the party which was pretty awesome of him. Sigh... who knows. Guess it would be nice to have some friends who weren't mutual between 'them' and I... but when you know them for freaking 16 years and 5 years it is pretty hard to have friends that they don't know about.

While at this party, I have narrowed my options down to 3. I can already reveal now that I lose with whichever one I choose... typical.

I will start with the simplest in my array which is the nice and often effective, ignore tactic. While some could argue this is the cowards approach (which I guess you could say, however hear the other two options then make your conclusion on which option is best), this has many benefits. My favourite part of this option is just that, I don't need to speak to them, sounds good to me! It is also the last thing everyone is expecting as I know they will all expect me to make a scene of some sort... which don't get me wrong, I definitely haven't ruled that out. Problems however include, being labeled as a coward (not that I ever care what anyone things... but it can complicate things down the track), not getting the satisfaction you get from being able to yell at them, I can't ignore them forever, and I also feel it could give the false impression that I am over the situation, therefore they might relax a little thinking that I am just going to walk away quietly, and everything they did can be justified, played down or forgotten...

This option is by far the most satisfying... but as always, the best things in life are often the ones that can cost you the most, one of those guilty pleasure if you will. It basically involves what I know everyone is expecting, for me to make a scene. Hmm, just to clarify, I am not one of those crazy guys that is always unstable, and people are wary of setting off 'in case I explode...', no, nothing of the sort. I was always, although loud at times, was pretty mellow and calm, no one has ever seen me angry in my life, hell I have never even been in a punch on before out of hatred or anger, not once. Sorry, just felt I deserve a little credit there... but whatever. Anyways, yes, creating a scene. While I would never ever want to hurt anyone, or take things too far, but what do you think about the idea of maybe a pizza thrown at his face, or a shove into the hedges, or maybe some sort of tampering with his drink lol. The ideas are endless! Justification? My satisfaction =D Downfall? Friends might think I have gone too far... or am acting childish, or a dozen other reasons they can conjure. So tempting, hell, I deserve some sort of revenge or closure of the sort don't I? Sigh... but it isn't the right thing to do. Fuck, why do I always have to be such a nice guy, it never gets me anywhere anyway...

After talking to my sister tonight, she has given me some wise words that I will undoubtedly be pondering tomorrow. I have already thought about this idea... it is my least favourite for so many reasons, but, while not giving me any satisfaction what so ever, will result in the most honourable and progressive (in my recovery) outcome. What about the crazy idea of me actually going up to him, and... in a civil and... controlled tone and manner, extend an invitation to chat. I have known the guy for 16 years (mind you, I am currently 21, I have known him for 3/4 of my life...). During this chat, I guess I can try to stay rational (without going mental at him... see option 2 that was mentioned above) and just yeah, tell him my side of the story, ask some question, possibly even get some long overdue answers. Fuck, this one just seems way to hard. What if he just denies it all? What if he even goes so low and tries to justify what he did (because in my mind there is NO justification you can possibly give... selfish and malicious intentions were the only traits I saw when he did what he did). I am already envisioning so many paths that this choice could take, none of which would end well for me... could possibly leave me even more full of anger then I have now.

The scary thing is, is that I have no idea which option I will choose, it really will be a spur of the moment choice, I honestly have no clue or any inclination on how the night will go. I am glad I have written this blog, will make for a great before and after blog... it will be very interesting how the night turns out.

Wish me luck.


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