19 June 2010

Fate, lead the way

I wish I was a better writer. I guess it has never been my forte. I wonder if it is one of those things that you either have or you don't, one of those niches that a select few seem to shine with an annoyingly small amount of effort to do so. Story telling on the other hand is a forte of mine, it just seems to be the link from brain, to word, to paper (or in this case keyboard) that I seem to struggle.

Oh well, we try our best, and that is what matters.

I love reading blogs, but for a very specific number of reasons. For me to like (or love) a blog, it has to either be really funny such as Hyperbole and a Half, Out-Numbered, Steam Me Up, Kid..., has to be a story time line of their life like from cold to fire and 20-Nothings (her very early stuff) and The History Chick, or, and this type is my favourite and most awe inspiring for me, the way they use their words, align their thoughts, connect with the reader and themselves. Examples being Mr London Street and The Hitch List.

I envy that last category. I wish I had even a sliver of the talent they have.

I am not a very good blogger/writer, hell to put simply I am just not good at arranging my thoughts. Which I am ok with. And I am working on. My point is I would like if I was better, for starters it would make for much better posts, but I think it would also help me discover and unravel the mysteries that seem to swirl within me. Causing confusion that I can't quite work out.

Yesterday was a very strange day. This strangeness has been continuing steadily ever since my very bazaar fate driven day a few weeks back with constant unusual incidents and coincidences and the like happening on an almost daily occurrence. Note to self, I should really start writing them all down. Alas tonight was... words to describe it elude me. It is a Saturday night, I am holed up in my room (as I have been every weekend for the last 3)... I was hoping to put my depressing abundance of free time to good use by actually being productive. This lasted all of 30 minutes until I stumbled onto a movie residing on my computer, one that I had no idea what it was about nor why it was on my computer in the first place.

That movie was 'Stranger Than Fiction'.

Anyone seen it? I had never even heard of it. My verdict? Absolutely fucking brilliant. I was skeptical at first... well for starters it had Will Farrel in what was apparently going to be a 'serious' movie. Will Farrel can't be serious, can he? It was elusive and confusing and a little bazaar for quite some time, but I hung in there. The main character, he related to me (which is not a good thing). His life reminded me of mine, especially for the fact that I am spending a Saturday night watching a movie, alone, in my room. He met a gorgeous girl, one that he didn't seem to be going anywhere with at first. I meet gorgeous girls all the time, and like the main character, they never seem to go anywhere.

By the end, I was moved. It was brilliant, it related to yesterdays post and the other post about fate and all the other ridiculously 'fate fueled' things that have been happening to me lately perfectly. Is this another to add to the list? Was this movie meant to be a sign? If so, what does it mean? What do I do now, at this very minute, in light of this new information? It is currently 8.46pm, do I leave my room, maybe see what my house mates are doing? Should I go try to start my car in the off chance that it might start which could lead me on unforeseen adventures?

Or maybe, acting on it is the exact opposite of what you are supposed to do in this situation? Maybe I should just stay in my room, continue on like nothing ever happened?

What I loved in the movie is how it was exactly how I have been living lately. Wondering if things are fate, if so, what does it mean? Should I just go about things normally? The problem there is I start thinking about 'what is normal'... and probably end up doing something that isn't normal, therefore am probably missing out on something great.

Wow, I ramble so bad. I'll tell you something though about my posts, the ones marked with the 'Reflection' tag. I write them all in under 30 minutes, all in one go, all on the fly. There is no editing (besides grammar), no planning beforehand. Often times I only have a very vague idea of what it is I actually want to say. Hmm, could explain why they turn out so haphazardly, don't you agree?

I gained a new follower today, something that never fails to fill me with extreme amounts of joy. This is then followed with 'they must of followed by accident, my writing does not compare to theirs!'. Then I panic and wonder if I might lose them in the future as a follower, I probably change how I write the next few posts after their joining... purposely thinking to myself 'just write like I always have' which most likely ends up with me writing differently anyway. It is exactly how I react to the whole 'fate' scenario.

Strange indeed. I really am a strange one. I am 80% sure that I am made up of about 25% crazy, 20% smart, 40% analytical, 10% self doubt, 5% optimism. The remaining 20% of the 80% believes I am simply an analytically thinking optimist that is far too clever for his own good (and for those around him) who doubts himself to the point of crazy thoughts and actions, all with a slice of 'whatever' on the side.

Something along those lines at least.

I have been wishing for something great and unexpected to happen for ages now. I am constantly in a battle between believing 'things happen for a reason' and 'there are only coincidences, nothing more'. The former is how I used to live for the past 20 years, until last year that is (when I turned 21)... a lot of bad events unfolded, questioning my 'things happen for a reason' belief. Maybe though, I am taking these coincidences that I listed in previous posts, and taking the meaning of stumbling across 'Stranger Than Fiction' tonight, not for what they really are which is in fact 'a series of unrelated events'... and am just wishing for them to mean something, anything... just so I can feel something other then the emptiness that lives with me in my very busy but very lonely life that I live.

Lets let fate decide shall we.

2 comments:

Mr London Street said...

That is a lovely thing for you to say about my blog, thank you so much!

Out of Sync said...

My praise for your blog was earned and deserved =)

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