19 March 2010

Flash of Inspiration

Well I guess everything has kind of just been falling into place lately in spectacular fashion. Work is going great (it is a great break from the hardships of Uni), and Uni is going absolutely fantastic. I really cannot express how great it is going... for the first time in a very long time I caught a solid glimpse of the old me returning, it was incredible.

There was a lot of laughter that's for sure.

How much does this sound like the old me right (for those of your who remember the old me that is)... I spent 3 weeks trying to think of a topic for my Honours thesis, ideas were flowing in at an unmanageable amount, I just couldn't stick with a single idea for more then a day without another either trumping it or... who knows what to be honest. 2 days before a topic proposal was due I still didn't have a clear idea of what I wanted, and after a meeting with Sophie and Mick that morning my mind wasn't any clearer.

I felt so small that Sophie invited Mick... made me look like I was a handful or some kind of train wreck... but I seriously can't blame her for doing so cause true be told, that's basically what I was... which makes it that much worse. After that lengthy meeting I still hadn't gotten much further, my mind as always was a complete mess, I was starting to panic, there wasn't much time left.

But alas, as fate would have it, amazingly out of absolutely no where that very afternoon at 4pm, an idea springs to mind. At first I tried my best to ignore it as I was worried Sophie was getting sick of my constant mind changes, I didn't want to hit her with yet another new idea, especially so close to the proposal day.

Fate it seems finally spared some time for me... I just could not shake the idea.

Words rung within my head, ones that I had written down myself only a few days before actually "I used to just roll with things with the belief that things just work out for the best in the end, for the first 20 years of my life this worked wonders, so hell, why can't it keep working?".

I was currently staring at a blank page, a page that was meant to be my proposal for the topic I had chosen settled upon from the morning meeting. Needless to say it wasn't getting filled anytime soon.

I decided to take a leap of faith, no matter that bringing new ideas to the table 2 days before the due date was simply a bad idea (after literally 10 plus random ideas from the previous weeks). Inspiration had struck, it was time to relax and let it inside, to let it overwhelm me, and that's exactly what happened. Within 15 minutes I had a full page proposal written up, I literally ran to Sophie's office in the fear that she had already left for the day, which thankfully she hadn't.

I ran in, apologizing profusely as I knew bringing a completely new topic wasn't a good idea at all (and I was hell scared that she would start to get annoyed at me, I look up to her far too much to accept that). She loaded up the file, she pulled up a chair, she began to read. I sat there with my heart pumping. I am usually fantastic at reading people, often times I can tell what people are about to say even before they say it, at times I can see the hidden meanings people try to hide with twisted words and abstract expressions.

Sophie's face however was blank, unreadable, then swiftly it changed from one expression to the next. Intrigue, confusion, disapproval... her lips form into a question, the question forms a quiet thought, she goes silent.

I panicked, I couldn't take the unknown any longer. For the next 2 minutes I rambled and explained and defended and apologized my entire idea inside and out, it was terrifying to think that to finally run with a flash of inspiration, something I have purposely restrained myself from doing for months now, for it to in the end be all for naught. I didn't know if I could take the rejection, I had been so sure, it was how the old me would of done it, which meant it had to work... right?

She nodded a lot, I couldn't tell what that meant. There was a lot of thinking involved though, or was that disbelief that I had had the nerve to bring yet another idea to the table... or maybe even regret for agreeing to supervise me? More of a hindrance than an inspiration perhaps. Ouch.

Lots of questions were asked, she was clearly still confused, I answered as best as my hazy mind and beating heart would allow. Slowly the mist seemed to clear, the lines of her brow started to straighten, I held my breath. She smiled. "I love it".

My topic is settled! The relief was amazing. It took a while for it to sink in, it really did. I still worry that I might of pushed her too far, ha, that is exactly something I do to people though, sometimes intentionally, often times not. Was this my plan all along, a way to test our compatibility? It was purely subconscious if it was.

My topic is chosen, sorry I just had to say it again, it feels so good!


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