10 January 2012

My honesty

Was she glad to see me? I have no idea. I didn't get much of a hello, although to be fair I didn't give her much of one either... she did however take one of my headphones out of my ear and tell me not to be anti-social in what I think was a joking matter. Which is something at least.

Seeing her felt like she never left really. I guess I have been pretty busy the last month or so that her 5 week absence overseas wasn't as much of an ordeal as I initially thought it might be. We kind of just picked up exactly where we left off. She laughed heaps at my jokes... sigh... makes me melt every time.

I just can't shake the feeling that we'd be awesome together. I picture it all the time, mostly without even meaning to. My want to complement her on how beautiful she looks, trying to think of stuff to say just so I get a chance to talk to her, constantly trying to make her laugh...

She brought me two presents from overseas... which I had expected to be honest as I brought her something when I came back from China, but still, just knowing that I was on her mind for at least a minute whilst she was away is a nice thought. I tried to say that I really appreciate the gift and that it means more then she knows... but I think I just said stupid stuff like I usually do when there is something important going on (like when I should be saying something nice and sincere to express how much something means to me for instance...).

I am leaving for New York City soon... I guess there is no point saying anything to her now even if I wanted to. Sigh. As always living up to the title 'Out of Sync'. Why couldn't I have met her a year ago. But then again, as I am leaving soon... maybe more risks is exactly what I should be doing now, it is the only way I am going to excel in this trip I think, why not start now? I guess in this instance I worry too much of the consequences... this group of friends that she belongs to is rather new, and I am finding every time I hang out with them (like tonight) I am regarding them with higher and higher value and importance each time. I can't lose them, no matter what.

They are all impressed and in awe about my trip to New York City. I hate that so much, seriously. I am not doing it to 'impress' people or to 'be cool', no, not at all. Hearing stuff like that, it adds too much pressure! I am already super stressed and worried about the trip as it is... and when I have got people going 'wow, that's so cool!' it just feels like they are relying on me and expecting me to succeed, and it makes failure even less of an option because if I don't live up to all these peoples expectations then the feeling of letting them down and in a sense, the shame of not living up to their expectations, would just be too much. I couldn't bare seeing their faces again if that happened.

I know I am doing this trip for myself, and only myself. It has been an idea I have had for literally years. It is an idea I know once I do it I will be the proudest I can ever be of myself. But I have to emphasize over that it is not to 'be cool', or to 'impress' people...

And despite all that, the number one person I am most worried about letting down, the person that fuels my great fear, that I will get there and realize it was all a mistake, and want to come home. For all the money spent, and the time planning, and the quitting of my job and the selling of my car, for it all to just end up being a complete waste of time and I'd come home after only a month and regret it all... the number one person I am worried about disappointing? Myself.


Dave said...

As someone smarter than me once said, "Being afraid of failure is like being afraid of life." Try not to worry about what could happen. Instead, focus on the new adventures and experiences ahead of you. There's a lot to look forward to here! Chin up, my friend!

S. Love said...

First thing. Tell her how you feel. This actually seems win-win because if she doesnt feel the same way then you are still going to NY and will have plenty of opportunity to meet new people. If she does, you have the time remaining before you leave to see how it works and really get to know each other.
Second. Dont stress about the outcome of NY before you even get there. Even if it does end up a disappointment [and it wont] it will be a great experience and a lesson learned.
And third. You are a great blogger and I love reading your posts :]

Out of Sync said...

All good guys, I am just a giant rollercoaster at the moment with the trip so near, sometimes I am ridiculously high and excited about the idea, and then others (like what's written above) I worry about every decision I've ever made ha.

Dave - Indeed, no point worrying, it does take away the joy out of everything. Will try and stay more focused ;)

S.Love - I am glad to see you have returned to blogging =) Alright I'll think about, it is just complicated due to Jason (my best mate). Haha I very much like the added brackets "and it wont", it was a good encouragement boost, thanks, because yes you are right it won't be a disappointment. And wow thanks S.Love, that was very humbling =) Good to see you back!

Jorah Day said...

i just adore this. It's so real and so true. i love that you think of her like that. I love that you know you don't know what to say.

This post is dripping with reality and honesty and telling of age.

Well done.

Give me more like that.

Out of Sync said...

As if the amazing Jorah Day herself read and complemented one of my posts... thank you, you just made my day.

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