19 September 2010

Blogging for the sake of it

It appears to be a full week since my last post.  That's... odd.  Is something wrong?  Not really, same old ups and downs I guess so I thought I'd pass the time and do some random pointless blogging... yay?

The preceding week was in fact one of my busiest, which when every week is insanely hectic that is really saying something... but I am not going to elaborate as it wouldn't be interesting to anyone other than myself.  However, I do always say that I write this blog purely for myself (which is true), but I guess I am in a generous mood today and would like to keep this semi interesting?

Or maybe I will just ramble to waste some time =)

Yeah, that sounds much more fun.

So... what's on my mind?  Lots of things as always. First of all I am listening to this song that is simply amazing, people like that inspire me.  If you give it a listen you must at least listen to the end part from 5 minutes onwards as it gets absolutely epic.

Moving on.

Sigh... this is my forth attempt at blogging over the last few days... I just cannot seem to organize my thoughts enough to get a coherent piece of writing together.  I have 3 unpublished posts full of ramblings, with this post this very minute not turning out any better.  Should I take it as a sign?  Alright, let's try and dot down my thoughts in small blocks...

Ok, what is on my mind?

Well for starters, my friends suck.  Which is a shame because I don't have many good friends to begin with.  The other day I tried to get them all out for dinner on a Sunday night, keeping in mind that we are all at a very busy stage in our studies as our year is coming to an end.  Of course, it doesn't happen.  Why?  No reason really.  One said he would get back to me and didn't, the other had gone out the night before and was apparently too tired, there were a few others I didn't even bother asking.

It just frustrates and saddens me as I have been living out of home since March now, and my 'friends' haven't even been to my house once... nor have they come visit me (I live about 40 minutes drive from them now).  Yet I have many many times driven down to hang with them...

Continuing on with that topic... this semester I became a tutorer at my University, something I was extremely excited about in conjunction with being rather proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone.  It is now week 11 and with countless 'yeah man I will definitely come have a look at your class' promises from friends, none came. 

I am starting to see a pattern...

Last year, I broke up badly with my long term girlfriend and had a friendship ending argument with my best friend of 15 years.  Before that fateful day, they were my world.  Sure I had heaps of other friends but as I summed up in this post that I wrote a few months back, none of them were in the 'best friend you can rely on for anything' group that these two were.

Perhaps it was foolish to invest myself in only two people?  I don't know... all I know is that ever since then life has been very hollow that's for sure.

Now, in this present day, company is scarce.  I spend far to many hours at home just wasting time by watching TV shows or playing games, waiting until it is late enough for bed time just so I can go to sleep in anticipation for the next day where I usually have work or Uni to attend.  My weekends aren't much better... I am either hung over and just watch movies, or I bum around trying to find something to do. The worst thing is how fast this all changed... it wasn't so long ago I would have a flood of text messages arriving, parties to attend, movie nights, clubbing. Now I feel like a complete outsider looking in on my own circle of friends... I guess moving out of home to be 40 minutes away doesn't help, but I didn't have a choice with that.

Just another Monday night I guess...

It should be mentioned here that whilst I feel abandoned by most, there is one person who has always been there for me.  Straight after my departure from my ex-girlfriend and ex-bestfriend I became friends with a girl who was best friends with my ex.  It is beyond words how helpful she was, I seriously owe her my life.  She picks me up from my lows, encourages me to go higher in my highs, and all for nothing in return. She may drive me absolutely insane at times, but my debt to her is endless.  Sadly she lives nearly two hours away and has a busy life so we rarely get to hang out, but the friendship is strong none the less. 

I am a big believer in fate, especially with the whole 'you never know' motto.  Every night before bed I always wonder to myself if the following day will have something exciting in store for me... and then the day arrives.  Random events that only seem to happen to me occur, funny stories to tell are experienced, an achievement I am proud of is accomplished, a complex thought to debate is conjured, a worrying concern is surfaced, and after all that I get on the the bus ride home and reminisce about the days events... only to have no one to talk to about any of those things.

Then I sit at home, and just before I go to bed, I think about what the following day has in store for me...

Not really sure if I should post this.  It isn't interesting to anyone else, and I am definitely not trying for sympathy or anything of the sort.  I just get this way sometimes, completely complex and cluttered, so a good spill of the mind can help. I have been this way for a very long time though, my posts on this blog have evidence of this since the beginning.

I guess I just thought things would be different by now, you know?


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