30 January 2011

Move along

My mind is a bit of a mess at the moment, so I think as an experiment (as I'm really struggling to get thoughts into words at the moment) I will just type it out as it comes.  No structure, no plan, no point.

It is a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon at the moment.  I am currently sitting in a park in Melbourne City under the shade of a beautiful shady tree with my friend Sabrina.  We've just come back from the Melbourne Museum, which was fun.  It's just... this is the same thing I have done for over a year now, I go with Sabrina (who is purely just a friend) to all these places like out for dinner, and museums, parks, the beach, the cinemas... and it dawns on me all to clearly that these activities are much more preferred (and expected) for a involved couple.

Which sadly still seems to be out of my... luck?

I had that chance recently.  Which, if you have read my blog for quite some time, I have mentioned these 'chances' many times before.  The trend is the fact that these chances always remain just quite out of my level of reach or luck it seems... with me usually ending the post with some cliche' pick-me-up line like 'wishing for better days'.

This latest girl however was quite amazing.  We had heaps in common, I actually found myself missing her if we hadn't spoken in a few days, she has all the typical characteristics I often look for such as smart, engaging, interesting, kind... but also had those bonus qualities like funny, similar interests, intellectual and fun.

Alas, like every other freakin aspect of my life... this one also got complicated.  To be put shortly, she had been in a semi-involvement with one of my best mates a while back... he isn't quite over it still. I've asked if he would be cool if I try and take it further with her, he said that would be cool by him... but I got the sense that that wasn't quite the truth.  Me being my typical loyal self chose mate over girl thus decided not to pursue my desires.

Another chapter comes to an end.  Sigh.

I just can't believe after such a long time, I am still waiting for the chapter in my book that I have been working towards.  Will it happen by chance? Maybe I am just being impatient, and not letting life run its course the way it is meant to be run?  Who knows.

I had decided to stop putting too much time and effort into this latest girl.  We hung out a few weeks back (this was before I talked to my mate), and it really well.  Now even after talking to my mate, I'd still like to become better friends at least, but she has since declined two more invitations to hang out, thus my stubborn depression has gotten the better of me and I have decided to leave it all behind... cutting all ties up to an extent.

Lately I have moved on from a dramatized 'depression' about the whole situation (e.g. "Why does this always work out this way to meeee") to just a gradual boil of rage under the surface.  I am just so sick of this apparent bad luck that's all, it's getting to the point where I am starting to worry I may develop violent tendencies as a way to deal with the impending rage.  But relax, it would never come to me harming myself, or anyone else around me... the usual victim of my violent outbursts are my pillow, drink bottles that get slung across the room, and the wrapping on dry foods as I get frustrated if my attempts to open the packaging doesn't complete successfully in less than 0.5 seconds ha.

I have been keeping a record of these woes via this blog for quite some time now.  My hope is still that some day in the (hopefully nearby) future I will be in a much better place in my life, allowing myself to look back at these posts and count myself lucky things did finally change after all.

On the other hand... I worry deeply that in 6 months time I will still be writing similar posts...


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