16 January 2011

Catches up or never lets go?

I've been through quite a lot in my time, somehow managing to resolve the majority to the extent where it doesn't cause problems down the track.  It seems however that that is not always the case.

My last relationship towards the end, to be put simply, was just ridiculous and insane, an absolute mind, emotion and body bender. Granted this was my first ever relationship and we did last a solid 3 years before ending it, with a follow up year of we-are-just-friends-but-kind-of-more-than-friends scenario, all of which concluded in the worst possible way imaginable through lies, cheating, deceit, mind games... it was intense.  But alas, we were young I guess so no hard feelings.

My quarry however is that it appears some of the side affects of that time of my life (which is about 18 months ago now), that I had thought was completely behind me, have stuck with me. That time of our 'un-official' final year together was tough... I have never felt more isolated, jealous, forgotten and betrayed in my life then I did at that time.  Since then I have obviously recovered, I have good close friends whom I can trust and there is no glaring repercussions that affect my day to day interactions... until recently that is.

It appears, especially when it comes to social relationships, that my paranoia and the feeling of being easily forgotten is easily triggered.  Too easily for my liking.  On one hand I am hoping it simply arrives as it brings up unwelcome memories of times past, therefore it is only temporary, and I should keep in mind that these new people in my life aren't like the old thus unlikely to abandon or betray me like previous people have done.  On the other hand, the fear that this has nothing to do with the past and it is just the type of person I am is a worrying thought as it consequently fuels the concern that they could be like people from my past, a scary thought as I don't know how well I could cope to go through it all again.

Alas it is of my own problem and concern... something that I must address.


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