30 May 2010

Two minds

I live an extremely busy life, if I say so myself that is. My week consists of work 9 - 5 three days a week, University about 11 - 8 two days a week, field hockey games on Saturday afternoons, then the rest divided between homework, exercise and leisure.

Don't really see friends very often any more which is a major bummer...

Anyways, I have been single for quite some time now (8 months or so), for ages after I absolutely hated it and would almost obsess with the idea that 'life would be so much better if I had a girlfriend'... which is sad I know, but it was just a phase. I had a girlfriend for 4 years when I was 17 - 21, so growing up with one for so long it is kind of all you know, having someone always there is something you get used to, so it is was a bit of a shock to be on my own again.

That all passed a while back which is good.

I love my life at my moment, I honestly do. I really enjoy my job to the point where I actually look forward to going in, University is going amazing and I am really enjoying my research. Moving out of home into a share house is going fantastic, I get along well with the housemates and the freedom is awesome. I recently started field hockey for the fun of it to which I play once a week, something I have wanted to start for years now.

And hell, I guess I can't complain about life even if I wanted to. In the last 4 months I have seen Taylor Swift and Paramore live in concert, checked off a life-goal of appearing on national tv, had a 5 day holiday to Queensland with my sister for the fun of it, went on a 10 day cruise just a few weeks ago, got a taste of how it would be like to live in the city, and have a trip to Thailand waiting for me at the end of June.

Which yes looks like I'm bragging, which in secret I was =P but in not so secret it was more in an attempt to convince myself that life is better than it appears to be. You know what the problem is though... I live this crazy life and do all these cool things just because I can... the problem is I do them alone.

Obviously I was with people when I did those events, but they were never anyone special, you know? Everyone has friends, but there is a vast ranking system for each friend on how much they mean to you.

Group 1: Down the bottom you have 'know their name, see them at a party every now and again, if you think really hard you may remember where they work/study'.

Group 2: A tad higher is 'known them for quite a while, can have a good laugh and chat whenever you see them, don't really hang out with them on a free day though, chat mainly via Facebook comments and at parties'.

Group 3: Then comes the ones that start to matter 'know them well and possibly even their family, have their mobile number and wouldn't be surprised to receive an sms/call from them, you'd invite them to events'

Group 4: All the way up to 'one of your best friends, you can rely on them and chat to them frequently, someone you can turn to'.

With obviously more groups in between but you get the idea.

I have a tonne of friends, I really do, this is because back in high school I was always friendly and completely myself to everyone, so as a result I had my main tight circle of friends but I also had a fairly solid foot in about 2 - 3 other friend circles as well. But the majority of these friends fall within groups 2 and 3... and not group 4, the ones that make life worth living.

To be honest, I only have 2 friends that fall into group 4, but they fall into it by a thread. One of them I don't think even really knows that they mean that much to me, which is sad. The other is a roller coaster of crazy where it is hard to know if they are my friend or a stranger. So while I can do all these cool activities, and live this busy life that I enjoy, and look forward to the future, I just can't shake the feeling that without someone meaningful to share it with, its all pointless, empty...

I have always heard that 'you must be happy within and with yourself, instead of seeking happiness through the company of others.' Hmm, or maybe I made that up just then? Anyways the point is, I agree you should find happiness and content for having yourself as your only company, and not rely on others to make you happy, but I think there comes a line where you can be truly happy with yourself and your life (which I am), but still be unhappy.

I think I am at that line.


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