01 July 2013

Am I the crazy one, or is she?

It's been a month since I asked the girl out. The one that I have been pretty into for over a year now (but I left and backpacked around America for 1 year in the mean time, only to return to Australia to find that I was still into her).

After months of deliberation, I got the courage to finally confess how I felt. It took courage, some crazyness, and just that little bit of 'putting-yourself-out-there' that is always tough to do when leading up to it is (but it isn't quite so bad once it is over and done with).

Fine, sure, it didn't quite work out how I had hoped. She shut me down, claiming that she counted me as a great male friend whom she did not want to lose due to us dating. Sure, I can get that. In that case, let's stay friends, shall we?

If only.

The following week after my... confession, things were fine. She texted me some funny stuff as we reminisced about our weekend away getaway together to Adelaide. Things seemed fine.

A week later, I was at the university where she studies, so I stopped by to say hi. In return, I got barely anything out of her, and I found that I was holding up the conversation considerably. Alright, maybe she was just tired.

Another week went by, and again I was at her University so I decided to stop by. This time I got even less out of her. Fine, something must be up. I tried to be nice and cool, but clearly she did not want anything to do with me for the time being.

But you know what happened? I didn't care anymore! I didn't do anything wrong by saying that I liked her a month ago, and I certainly wasn't anything but a complete gentlemen about the entire thing, so if she wished to act like that, or even treat me like that, then I truly believed that it was her loss and I was not going to put up with it.

And that, my friends, was it.

For 2 weeks I didn't go visit her, text her, call her or see her. And you know what? It was fantastic! There was no more over-analyzing what every move she made meant, or the endless debates whether to text her or not, and even the wondering what she was up to. In a way, I felt somewhat free, and relieved, as if lifted from some sort of spell. I realized that I didn't need, nor deserved, that kind of treatment from anyone.

And for a little while, I thought that this was perhaps what growing up is all about.

This worked well for two whole weeks until suddenly, on the Thursday just gone by, I got a text from the person I least expected to hear from. It was here.

"Hey what's on tonight? Want to come and drink some wine??"

'Why the hell is she texting me for?' Was my initial reaction.

At the time of receiving the message I was already out, so I replied back that I was busy but perhaps another time, and that was that. I was hoping I wouldn't hear from her again for a while.

Two days later, on Saturday night, I get another text... "What ya up to??" it said.

She is messaging again!? Sigh. I was already busy with friends, so I replied that the offer to drink with her sounded fun, but that I am already busy so another night could work better.

I know it is only a text message, but you have to understand my anguish here. I asked this girl out, she says no, she then seems cool for the following week, then pretty much ignores me when I tried to talk to her the following two weeks, and then I don't talk or speak to her for another following two weeks, to now all of a sudden for her to be texting me twice in three days asking to come round for drinks?

Is she playing a game, or am I reading too much into it?

The next day, Sunday, arrives. This time, she calls me!

"Hey! What you doing tonight? Want to come to the pub for a drink with me and Brendan? (Brendan is one of my best mates, who happens to be her roommate also).

"Errr... alright, I can come" was my put-on-the-spot reply. To be honest I was more eager to see my best mate Brendan, as he had just gotten back from a two week trip to Hawaii. Frankly I was not looking forward to seeing her, our last few encounters had not gone well, and I was suspicious about all this attention she was throwing my way all of a sudden.

Three attempts to get me over for drinks in four days? Fine, whatever, I'll go anyway and see what happens.

The meet-up goes fine. The three of us chatted like old buddies. After the pub I invited them back to my house to continue with the drinking (as they live only 5 minutes walk from my house). Things were well... for a while...

Talks lead onto Brendan's recent trip to Hawaii, where he commented on the pretty girls he saw on the beach. This lead onto Brendan's last romantic chase, where apparently whilst I was backpacking through America last year he met a girl and they went out for a little while. It was a cool story.

Then... while sitting next to me, despite me confessing to her how into her I was, and that we'd make a great couple together only a month ago, she starts telling stories of some of the guys she got with, or pursued, last year.

What. The. Hell!?

I know without a doubt that if a girl confessed to me that she liked me, that I would not be talking in front of her so casually of my previous romantic chases or conquests!!!! How awful would it make that girl feel!? To basically be saying "Hey, I know you asked me out, but I rejected you. Instead, I went for these other, more attractive and cooler people".

Come on!!!

There was a girl who was interested in me a little while back, whom I rejected (in a nice way), and I know that if I were to say right in front of her about the girls I've been interested in or have pursued, that it would make her feel so little and worthless.

Surely it works the other way round!?

Is she the crazy one, or is it me?
And at that point, I lost it, and to be honest I acted like a bit of a douche. We were sitting in my lounge room and she wanted more wine, so instead I ignored her and sat down, telling her that she can get it herself. She replied that she can't be bothered arguing against me, and will instead just finish her current wine glass and go home if I wasn't going to get her one. I said that that is fine by me, and that I am not going to get up and get her a wine when she can get it herself. And that was that. She finished her current glass and went home soon after, and I stayed up the rest of the night chatting to my mate Brendan.

Sure, I am not proud of it. Normally, I'd never, ever be a such a douche on purpose like that. In earnest I try to be a very nice, considerate guy to my friends always, treating them like absolute family (as I do cherish them greatly). It truly is very rare that I loose my cool, but I just couldn't take what she was saying, or how much she completely disregarded my feelings. It is completely fine that she rejected me, but to parade her previous romances in my face, with absolutely no concern on how it may affect me as I was sitting right next to her at the time? Come on... that is just not on.

Again, am I the crazy one, or is she?

To be honest, that two weeks while not speaking to her, I was so much more relaxed. To be her friend is... in a word, exhausting. She plays far too many games, you have to tip-toe around her to not offend her, and she thinks far too highly of her herself while judging those around her.

I am not sure it is worth the effort in remaining friends really. Regardless of my feelings for her.

I talked to my best mate about all this. It is pretty rare for me to call him out of the blue to ask for advice about girls (cause, you know, that's not what bro's do too often), but this circumstance was different. He was pretty much on my side, and said that he had been in a similar situation where a girl basically paraded this new guy in front of him despite knowing that he was really into her. So, he could get where I was coming from.

All the above happened only 1 hour ago, and I am typing this at 1am as I am finishing off the bottles of wine that her, Brendan, and I had started for the night.

I'm still raging, and am honestly more furious than I have been in a very long time indeed. I don't often get this worked up, but surely this is just not on? Surely the human race has far more decency? As mentioned already (but I feel I must repeat this) I know I for one rejected a girl recently who was very much into me, but I made sure we remained good friends, and I sure as hell do not speak in front of her about the good looking girls that I have been interested in, for I know that if I did it wouldn't make her feel good about herself at all.

Am I the crazy one?

(Side note: I have drunk a lot of wine before, and during, the typing of this post haha)


Tania said...

Right so, here's what I think it is: you said you wanted to still be friends, right? So initially, she didn't overthink it. Then she did, and started being paranoid that every friendly overture you made was a come-on, and she went unfriendly. Then she realized she missed you, and wanted to be friends again. And it's possible she's trying to make it obvious she isn't into you romantically by talking about other men.

I would sincerely hope that she isn't doing it to be cruel, because you really liked her and it would be an unpleasant discovery to find she's kind of a douche, but I really think it's one of those things some girls are told they have to do - not be direct, but to still try to make it obvious they're not interested.

We are honestly taught that rejecting someone outright can lead to violence - I've often been insulted rather harshly for declining to dance with men, and many times I've tried to be "friendly" to someone being super rude and scary because I'm worried they'll escalate.

I'm not saying she thinks you'll be violent, but I am saying it's probably reflex in this case, not a serious attempt to hurt you. Some habits get ingrained.

I'm sorry you're so upset, though. :(

Tania said...

(My previous captcha was "quitinu." Quitting you. Which is what you're doing with this girl. Kiiiind of funny.)

Azz said...

Yikes, you getting insulted really sucks. That does give men a pretty bad reputation. Although I like to think I'd never be like that, if that counts.

Sigh, I guess I just get so confused, you know? One week it's "random text messages about funny things", then its "let's give one word answers when he visits", then its "let's text/call him three times in four days to have drinks".

I'd love to be friends. Sure it sucks that it will stay only friends, but I can deal with it. But what gets me is that surely she realizes (and isn't THAAAAT self-absorbed as I fear she may be) that talking about other guys right in front of me (as if we are perfectly neutral buddies) isn't going to get me down?

Perhaps it is what you said, and that she is trying to treat us like complete (neutral) friends like we used to be? But surely she realizes that my feelings aren't going to just evaporate like magic and everything will just be fine in no time? Where's the compassion? The consideration?

She hasn't mentioned one word about it since that day, I feel she is hoping to just never speak of it and pretend it never happened. And that it'll just blow over? I know she fears she'll lose me as a friend if we dated... is this how she deals with it, by pretending I never asked her out, thus we stay completely friends?

I just questions if it is worth putting myself through all the effort. Perhaps it is easier to just drop it all, to discontinue being her friend, and live an easier life as a result.

Tania said...

I don't know. Personally, I would (and have) mention it to her. Just say something like, "Hey, I definitely understand that we're only going to be friends, but it's still a little hurtful to hear about other guys."

Hannah Marie said...

Jeez...either people lack manners or have no consideration at all. I guess she never thought how awkward the convo would be considering you sincerely confessed your feelings not to long ago.

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