21 June 2013

I'm back

Apologies for the absence from the blog, it has been quite a hectic few weeks, with so much to sort through and figure out that I couldn't even attempt to sit down and write out my thoughts.

It is currently 3.51am. I'm winding down from a night of drinking with my housemates, and suddenly thought that now, while my mind is somewhat quieter than normal, would be a good time to write a quick 'update' post.

So I guess I should follow up on my last post. The one where I was about to head interstate for a few days on an impromptu trip to an interstate city with the girl I have been into for... a very long time. She was the one who asked me to come in fact, and ever since my return from my backpacking trip around America she has been one of my biggest fans, having seemingly missed me quite a lot.

I will cut to the chase.

We had an absolutely awesome time. The first night we went into the city (Adelaide, South Australia) for dinner, which was nice. The second day was wine tours (which was absolutely hilarious) and then out for dinner and a show at the Adelaide Symphony Orchestra (where we seen Beethoven's 5th! It was fantastic). I had been debating with myself the entire trip whether I should say something to her or not... fearing that if things didn't go well I obviously was stuck with her regardless until we returned home to Melbourne.

But... at the same time, the optimism was there too, for what if things went well, and played out as I hoped, it could have been quite memorable to say the least.

Anyways, moving on. So after the orchestra I figured the time was right. We were walking around the city, having just finished dinner, and we'd just had a few drinks. I took about 20 deep breaths before finally just throwing the words out there... far out it is a scary moment!

Finally, I got the courage to say basically what I thought (and felt). That I thought her and I would be awesome together, and that I had been thinking about it all for quite some time, and that it is hard to mention out loud but I will say it anyway. A very long story short, well, she basically said that she counts me as one of her best male friends, and that friends dating just never works and is never a good idea, and that she would hate to lose me as a friend...

I said that I totally agree, and that friends dating is a terrible idea (based on passed personal experiences as well). But to counter that, I expressed how much I agreed that it is a terrible idea, but the fact that I was to still bring it up should show how much I believed in it. In the... possibilities.

She could see where I was coming from, and agreed that we get along great, and that she wouldn't have invited just anyone along with her for the trip, and that she only invited someone she both trusted and enjoyed spending time with... but still, she stood by her initial statement. That friends dating is a bad idea, and that nothing I could say would change her mind.

So... that's that I guess.

It has been a really strange few weeks since that day. Keeping in mind that this all happened 3 weeks ago from the time I am writing this post. At first, I was pretty... low in mood. And was not a big fan of myself in the slightest. I spent a lot of time wishing that... I don't know, I was... cooler, or simply better looking, or something. I don't know, just something where it could have changed the outcome.

Then at the same time, I felt infinitely relieved. To have spent months having the thought of asking her out, and what her answer may be, spinning over and over in my head, to finally have an answer where I didn't have to guess anymore was... a very free feeling. On one hand, it absolutely sucked... yet I guess, to be fair, on the other hand it was almost like closure to a very long chapter of a story.

Not to mention that... perhaps... I should be proud of myself? I don't know.

I am not sure if my asking her out affected our friendship. I made a huge conscious effort to make sure that things wouldn't get weird between us... especially because when I asked her initially while still in Adelaide, we still had another full day, a flight home, then an hours drive home together still ahead of us ha. Everything seemed pretty cool the next day, on the way home, and then even the few days after that... but... I don't know, the last week or two I have barely seen her. And when I do, she seems pretty distant, so... who knows. To be honest I have kind of just given up putting in the effort, and that if I am 'one of her closest male friends' that she claims I am, then I guess she can come to me instead.

Sigh... who knows.

Lately I have been a whirl of emotions. I've had a cold. I've hurt my knee quite badly. A few of my close friends are away overseas. And most of all... I am starting to realize that my life in Australia isn't quite as awesome as I remember it was before my backpacking trip around America (back in early 2012). I don't seem to have as many friends as I remember having, nor am I feeling as welcomed as I remember either. I am not sure if it is a result of me being away for an entire year, where perhaps I have drifted from some people (which is fair enough), or perhaps the image of how home was like in my mind was blown out of proportion to the reality?

Either way... I am beginning to wonder if it is time to start preparing for my next long-term overseas adventure (teaching English in Taiwan perhaps) where this time, I don't think I have plans to return to Australia.

Thanks for listening.


Tania said...

You should be proud of yourself. You put yourself out there, even though you were scared. That's awesome.

I'm sorry it didn't work out, but at least now you know. An she'll come around once she realises you're genuine about wanting to be friends.

Azz said...

Thanks Tania =)

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