16 May 2013

Winter blues

Why don't I just give up?

To go week after week of dreaming, of hoping, to continue going forward despite the setbacks, it is getting harder to answer that question.

It's winter at the moment, here in Australia. I hate winter. I hate how early it gets dark, how tough it is to get out of bed, how grueling a shower can be when stepping out into the freezing air. I dislike the grey cloud days when all you want to do is go outside, the wet footpaths that make you slip, the windows of your car that are frosted over in the morning.

Yet, at the same time, this is also all the things that I love about winter. Cozening up under a rug with a movie playing, the excuse to stay inside when outside is so grim, the nights spent having dinner with friends in the warmth of your home instead of the cold of a local bar.

I hate so much that she doesn't realize her influence on me. That when I ask her over for dinner on a whim, and she replies with "I have to do some work tonight, but I will let you know", and never gets back to me... that it really does affect me greatly. She has no idea, no idea what so ever the power she has. I've now spent my entire Thursday night drinking wine and cooking dinner on my own, all with the hope that any minute now she would suddenly appear at my door. I knew she wouldn't... but... that's where the never ending hope comes in. The hope that says "Don't worry, it'll all work out in the end".

The problem is that I have had the voice of hope on repeat for literally years now. And after all this time, it is still yet to fulfill its promise.


Tania said...

I'm going to say something you might not want to hear: it is quite possible that she does know the influence she has on you, and is trying to let you down gently.

Saying she would get back to you, and then not getting back to you, is a really common behaviour among my female friends for trying to be nice, but without having to tell a guy they aren't interested, which would be presumptuous since he never said he was interested.

What you should do is TELL her the influence she has on you. I assume she has no boyfriend. You have no girlfriend. The only thing then that is stopping you is fear.

And you just spent almost a year in a strange country alone. You shouldn't let fear stop you.

Azz said...

Appreciate the honesty Tania, it is always better to get told what you need to hear, as opposed to being told what you want to hear.

We are just good friends at the moment, so she doesn't know that I am interested (I think!). I wrote the above last night, then today (the very next day) she invites me to have lunch with her, so... mixed signals haha!

But yes, you are 100% right, for it is fear that is stopping me. Ha and yes, I also see the irony in the fact that I overcame all my fears and obstacles and traveled America solo for a year, yet when I get home I am not brave enough to admit to a girl that I like her? I am a brave coward! Haha.

We are hanging out again tonight. I'll be brave =)

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