21 April 2014

Things are confusing

I have been restless this entire week. It's a subtle restlessness, one that hides just below my conscious, where I know it is there and that it affects my mood drastically, but unless I stop to think about it I just can't seem to grasp it entirely.

If I would have to guess at the confusion... well it would obviously have to be in regards to Gen, and Kerry.

So I mentioned a while back about this girl I had met, where we got along really fantastically, yet in the end I felt that I was chasing a dead-end so I decided to delete her number and not reach out to her anymore. Well... I didn't blog about it, but long story short I decided to reach out to her one last time (via email) about 3 weeks since we had last spoken. Turns out that my assumption that she didn't want to see me anymore was way off and that she just has terrible time management skills! We have been hanging out almost weekly since then. So, that's cool.

The last time we hung out was a week ago. It was a Sunday, we both had a lot of work to do so we decided it'd be fun if we met up and did our own work together, just to make it a bit more fun than if we did it whilst alone at home. That was followed up with dinner and a movie that night, so it was a great day.

But again... either I am completely missing them, or they don't exist in the first place, but I am not quite getting any kind of signs of interest indicating that there is the possibility that our hang outs could possibly be for more than 'just friends'. While I am happy to hang out with her as friends, I'd still like to know if there was the chance that it may in time slowly progress into something more... but not too slowly.

I think you get what I mean. Ha, well on seconds thoughts, I am not sure even I know what I mean!

Now all this would have been fine... if it wasn't for what happened a few days ago.

Once a week I attend a French language class for fun, although we are currently on a 2 week break from that. In class I've made a few friends, one of whom is Kerry. She's pretty awesome. On a whim, with the fact that we had no French class this week, I thought I'd ask if she wanted to grab dinner instead (just as friends, although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little interested in her).

Her reply: "Hey, yeah that could be fun, count me in. Just from the start however I want to say that it will have to be just as friends, as I have kind of started seeing someone"

"Cool, just as friends is fine by me" was my reply.

Long story short, we have an absolute blast over dinner, had some wine, after dinner we move onto a bar, drink some more, laugh a lot more, and end up kissing. I have a  personal "don't go home with drunk girls" rule, so in the end I put her in a taxi and we went our separate ways.

The next morning the previous night was running through my head (as was the monstrously pounding headache, made worst by my 9am work start). Despite how random the night was (her saying it will just be as friends, only to end up kissing... a lot), I realized that I had had an absolutely awesome time with her nonetheless. I then started daydreaming about future fun hang outs we could have... but alas, I always get a little ahead of myself.

That night she sent me a text message: "So, I am a little mortified about my actions of last night. It is clear that I am not in the right state of mind to be in a relationship right now, and I really don't want to end up hurting you."

I had a feeling that this is how she would feel the following morning. It made me question if I made the right choice. While in my mind I never ever want to feel like I am 'taking advantage' of a girl or playing on their insecurities by going home with them whilst they are drunk... I am also confused at how me taking the 'noble' approach (by not going home with her whilst she was drunk) that it doesn't seemed to have helped at all, and perhaps has made the situation even worst?

In other words... if I went home with her, would she still be having these regrets? Sigh...

Anyways, so that is where I am currently at. There is Gen, whom I think I would like to have a chance with as we have so much in common and she seems like a really great person. But at the same time, I don't know if there is anything there as I haven't seen even the slightest flirtation whatsoever. This situation is actually a little easier to deal with, as I know I will never know unless I try, so that is exactly what I will do very soon (gone are the days were I used to be too scared to make a move anymore... cool). I just hate the waiting, that's all.

Then lastly, there is Kerry, who I had such amazing fun with, and I think I would really really like to see where it could lead. But... now she doesn't seem keen on the idea, which could possibly have nothing to do with me and everything to do with how she is feeling about herself? Why does me being a nice guy, who respects girls, have the complete opposite effect for what I thought it should? She seems like she has been with douchebags in the past, or assumes that all guys are douchebags, so I go ahead and be a not-douchebag... isn't that the right thing to do? Damn it... maybe I should have gone home with her... arghhhh....

Anyways. So I have two girls, no answers, a plethora of questions, and confusion about it all in between!

It is all worth it in the end... right? Sigh...


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