03 December 2013

Rolling down the hill

It's been a while since my last post, it appears. Not that I haven't been writing... I write all the time really, but I guess I didn't want any of it to be seen by anyone else. I don't really have a purpose or a point in this post, I just wanted to... post something, anything really, simply to prove to myself (and I guess to any readers) that I am still around, alive, still living.

I think I've said this line far too many times on this blog, but I feel that I have to say it yet again: "My mind is a swirl of thoughts and emotions right now". I don't know what is going on... it is a struggle to keep up, to stay relevant, to be at the very least 'on top of things'.

My work is slipping... I am a freelancer, who works insanely slow, and who doesn't have the energy to put into obtaining more clients to keep the work flowing in... which sums up a lot of things in my life really. I don't care about money... I've got enough to get me by comfortably... but, you know, I worry about the future, my future, where I guess I'll need to settle down eventually.

If that will ever happen.

I'm injured at the moment... well, two injuries really. Amazingly in the one week I've managed to tear a muscle in my left bicep, and then roll my left ankle only a few days later as well. I hobble around like I am in my 70's... which is depressing since I am only currently 25.

Ha... 25. Am I meant to be 'an adult' by now? Yeah, forget that. I am so far behind where I think I should be by now. You know when you think back to when you were younger, say your teenage years and possibly early 20's, and you physically cringe at some of the memories that you have? The memories of some of the downright stupid, awkward, and ridiculous things that you did back then, and you just have to ask yourself  "oh god, what was a thinking"? Well, at 25, I am still doing those really weird, awkward, regretful things that make me cringe.

And... that's about it really. I don't know what else to type. Everything I want to type, I've already said before.

I've been this way for... an extremely long time now. Constantly I am looking towards the 'future', and think to myself "one day, everything will work out". You know, like it is in the movies, or when you voice your concerns to your friends. "It'll all work out" is the message they always pass on. I guess, after so long, I am starting to question their wisdom. After all this time, I basically start to think "if it hasn't happened by now, after all this time, then it is increasingly unlikely that it will ever happen". Which I apologize if it is a too depressing thing to say!

A lot of my issues come down to my lonliness. Sure I have friends... quite a lot of them in fact, but I don't truly connect with any of them. Even my longest kept friends whom I have known for literally 13 years now do I truly feel in sync with them. I've always been somewhat the 'outsider' in the group. So time and time again have I wished to truly connect with someone... anyone, and my optimism tells me that it will happen, eventually, at any moment, and the stories I read and the movies I watch also tell me the same thing... and while I do know 25 years of age is still somewhat young, I truly worry that at 35 years old... I will still be wondering and wishing about the same thing.


Tom said...

The way I see it (and I have the exact same thoughts as you at times) is that you can do two things in circumstances like these; continue to worry and wait around, or try to maybe do something about it.

Then again, writing that is always easier than actually practising it.

In times like these I look back at all that I've done in the past few years, all of my accomplishments, and take comfort in that I've been moving forward. And I know you've accomplished a lot in the past few years from just reading your blog alone.

Chin up buddy, fresh new year to see what happens!

Azz said...

Thanks Tom :D

You are right, as long as we are moving forward, then we must be doing alright for ourselves ;)

Post a Comment