Things are confusing

I have been restless this entire week. It's a subtle restlessness, one that hides just below my conscious, where I know it is there and that it affects my mood drastically, but unless I stop to think about it I just can't seem to grasp it entirely.

If I would have to guess at the confusion... well it would obviously have to be in regards to Gen, and Kerry.

So I mentioned a while back about this girl I had met, where we got along really fantastically, yet in the end I felt that I was chasing a dead-end so I decided to delete her number and not reach out to her anymore. Well... I didn't blog about it, but long story short I decided to reach out to her one last time (via email) about 3 weeks since we had last spoken. Turns out that my assumption that she didn't want to see me anymore was way off and that she just has terrible time management skills! We have been hanging out almost weekly since then. So, that's cool.

The last time we hung out was a week ago. It was a Sunday, we both had a lot of work to do so we decided it'd be fun if we met up and did our own work together, just to make it a bit more fun than if we did it whilst alone at home. That was followed up with dinner and a movie that night, so it was a great day.

But again... either I am completely missing them, or they don't exist in the first place, but I am not quite getting any kind of signs of interest indicating that there is the possibility that our hang outs could possibly be for more than 'just friends'. While I am happy to hang out with her as friends, I'd still like to know if there was the chance that it may in time slowly progress into something more... but not too slowly.

I think you get what I mean. Ha, well on seconds thoughts, I am not sure even I know what I mean!

Now all this would have been fine... if it wasn't for what happened a few days ago.

Once a week I attend a French language class for fun, although we are currently on a 2 week break from that. In class I've made a few friends, one of whom is Kerry. She's pretty awesome. On a whim, with the fact that we had no French class this week, I thought I'd ask if she wanted to grab dinner instead (just as friends, although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little interested in her).

Her reply: "Hey, yeah that could be fun, count me in. Just from the start however I want to say that it will have to be just as friends, as I have kind of started seeing someone"

"Cool, just as friends is fine by me" was my reply.

Long story short, we have an absolute blast over dinner, had some wine, after dinner we move onto a bar, drink some more, laugh a lot more, and end up kissing. I have a  personal "don't go home with drunk girls" rule, so in the end I put her in a taxi and we went our separate ways.

The next morning the previous night was running through my head (as was the monstrously pounding headache, made worst by my 9am work start). Despite how random the night was (her saying it will just be as friends, only to end up kissing... a lot), I realized that I had had an absolutely awesome time with her nonetheless. I then started daydreaming about future fun hang outs we could have... but alas, I always get a little ahead of myself.

That night she sent me a text message: "So, I am a little mortified about my actions of last night. It is clear that I am not in the right state of mind to be in a relationship right now, and I really don't want to end up hurting you."

I had a feeling that this is how she would feel the following morning. It made me question if I made the right choice. While in my mind I never ever want to feel like I am 'taking advantage' of a girl or playing on their insecurities by going home with them whilst they are drunk... I am also confused at how me taking the 'noble' approach (by not going home with her whilst she was drunk) that it doesn't seemed to have helped at all, and perhaps has made the situation even worst?

In other words... if I went home with her, would she still be having these regrets? Sigh...

Anyways, so that is where I am currently at. There is Gen, whom I think I would like to have a chance with as we have so much in common and she seems like a really great person. But at the same time, I don't know if there is anything there as I haven't seen even the slightest flirtation whatsoever. This situation is actually a little easier to deal with, as I know I will never know unless I try, so that is exactly what I will do very soon (gone are the days were I used to be too scared to make a move anymore... cool). I just hate the waiting, that's all.

Then lastly, there is Kerry, who I had such amazing fun with, and I think I would really really like to see where it could lead. But... now she doesn't seem keen on the idea, which could possibly have nothing to do with me and everything to do with how she is feeling about herself? Why does me being a nice guy, who respects girls, have the complete opposite effect for what I thought it should? She seems like she has been with douchebags in the past, or assumes that all guys are douchebags, so I go ahead and be a not-douchebag... isn't that the right thing to do? Damn it... maybe I should have gone home with her... arghhhh....

Anyways. So I have two girls, no answers, a plethora of questions, and confusion about it all in between!

It is all worth it in the end... right? Sigh...

Winter is coming

I don't want to go through another winter alone. Again. The 5th in a row.

Oh fuck it... whatever I type next, I've already typed and felt on this blog literally dozens of times before, and literally hundreds of times in my own head as I walk around or drive my car.

I am alone. Again. Like always. It is the same as last year. It is the same as the year before that. And the one before that. And even... the one before that one too.

My optimism wavers... perhaps this winter, it won't be the same as the last, and I won't be alone for a change. Or if not this winter, maybe the one after this one? Or even... the one after that one.

Or maybe, the world simply sucks, I hate it, and I can't think of anything to do different. I've fucked up every single time I have tried, and I have basically run out of options and am lacking the drive to even try anymore.

Maybe, for the first time in years, I am starting to just simply... accept it. Accepting the fact that winter is coming soon, and I've got my douna cover, and can watch movies on my laptop whilst staying warm, and it will just be me doing it. And it is the same for all the other winter activities... I guess I can still enjoy them, or at the very least continue to do them... just accepting that it will be just me doing them like always.

I'll cook myself warm soup and bread. I'll play my video games while it rains outside like always. I'll contine to walk the supermarket isles for my groceries, ignoring everyone around me and just be lost in my own daydreams. I'll just... continue, just me, like I've done for the last 5 years I guess. Everything will be the same, it will be exactly like last winter... and the one before that, and the one before that. And even, the one before that one too.

Just me, staying warm, just... continueing on. Again. I guess.

I am finally sick of wondering why, or wishing for change, or rallying for hope. I'll continue to mope about it, because, to put it frankly, it makes me feel a little better when I do. But... after repeating this cycle for so many years... I really don't care anymore.

If only I could stop the pain though... that is the one thing that never goes away. Ever.

Meh.

The day of the great milestone

Today, I believe, could become one of the most important milestones of my entire life. Let me start from the beginning.

In 2010 I completed my Thesis, thus graduating with Honours from my University. During this year I also taught one of the practical classes at the University, something I immensely enjoyed.

In 2011 I worked full-time at my job, spending my free time researching and saving money excessively for my planned trip to New York City, a place I had been dreaming of living in for years.

In 2012 I quit my well paying, comfortable job, and took a flight to Los Angeles and slowly backpacked my way around America, just making it up as I went.

In 2013 I finally returned home to Australia after 1-year of travel around America. Obviously, I was unemployed (which was a difficult time in my life... just joking, it was awesome!). I returned to my old University asking if they had any work available, and with my previous experience of teaching a practical class before, and of being an ex-graduate of theirs, one lecturer was happy to give me one of his practical classes to me.

Turns out that I got a pretty great score in the Student Evaluations for that class. Then as luck would have it, the lecturer whos class I took for the semester was to be taking long-service leave for the first-half of 2014. He recommended me to be his replacement in his absense.

In 2014 I got accepted to be a Lecturer at the University for two units (the units that are usually taught by the lecturer who was taking long-service leave). Wow!

My job title was 'Sessional', which is kind of like a contractor, seeing as I only work for the University on a temporary basis when a position needs filling. This means I could be teaching one semester, but then have nothing the next. I was just so grateful to have a chance to teach even for this semester, and especially as a lecturer which is a big step up from anything I had previously done for them.

Last week I got a surprise email from the Associate Head of School, to paraphase it went something like this:
"Hi Aaron, I understand you will be a Sessional with us this semester, taking over for Jason who is on long-service leave. How would you be interested in accepting a full-time contract with us instead?"

Woah...

It was a nervous week awaiting if my application would be approved or not. The cynic in me said it was too good to be true (the position really was beyond my wildest dreams!), while the optimist said to keep faith and hope for the best.

Today I am no longer a Sessional at the University... instead, I became a full-time Associate Lecturer, I will be unit coordinator for a unit and lecturer for another, and I start on Monday :D

I took a big step today

This was the furthest I had gotten for quite some time, so I guess that should count for something. Although if anything, it makes what I just did all that much harder really.

I made the initial effort when we first met (I'd be absolutely no where if I never made the initial effort, with anyone, for some reason), and soon enough we hung out together. It was awesome. I took her to my favourite beach, and we walked, and laughed, got lunch, and spent pretty much the whole day together. It was a great, fun, first time hang out.

I was hoping we'd do another one fairly soon after the first. I sent a text to express my interest in doing such a thing, and encouragingly she replied with equal enthusiasm. "Sounds great, will let you know when I am free as soon as I know what days I am working!" was her text back.

A month went by of silence.

By that stage I had pretty much written her off... but the optimistic in me thought to give it one last chance, so I sent a brief "How's it going text" in the new year.  A few days later I got a reply "Hey! Sorry for disappearing over the holidays there, got really busy at work. Still up for that hang out again? I will let you know when I can!". It was a huge surprise to hear from her again after all that time, but alas, it was a great surprise, and I certainly wasn't going to brush her off.

The following week, we hung out again. It was a repeat of the first time really; a walk along the beach, then lunch, and before we knew it the day was gone and we've had a blast (I believe she had too?). It was so easy to do, to spend the whole day together. I don't know... it was just... cool.

Over lunch there was talk of her computer needing fixing. "Hey, I am in I.T remember, let me know if you want me to have a look at it some time." I inform her. Surprisingly it was only a couple of days later where I got a text from her, requesting my technical support. I agreed to it immediately, knowing that it'd be another chance to hang out.

Leading up to the day I was genuinely excited for it. I've never been that excited to hang out with someone for a very long time indeed. When the day finally arose and I found myself driving over to her house, my excitment actually turned to nerves!

As soon as she opened the door however, I already felt at ease.

We had a blast. Who knew fixing a computer could be so much fun! The last two hours of my time at her house was simply us watching hilarious YouTube videos (we'd gotten completely sidetracked from actually fixing the computer long beforehand really, that's a good sign, right?). I didn't leave till dusk... it was a good day.

Seeing as I didn't actually get to finish fixing her computer entirely, I figured I should send a text saying that we should get together again so I can finish it off. I didn't want to look... 'clingy' or something, so I waited 5 days from our last hang out before sending the text. You know, that seems casual, right?

As predicted, she took a day to reply again. And... I don't know, something clicked in me as I read the text. It wasn't what was in the text message per se (although it did sound a tad less heartful then previous ones), but I guess I just hated how... one-sided this all seemed, you know? It was mostly me making all the effort to organize these hang outs, it was me replying immediately to her texts and not making her wait... it just suddenly dawned on me that "if she really, genuinely wanted to hang with me, then she'd be making more effort in return, right?"

And suddenly it annoyed me, and made me a little sad for just a little while too, that here is this girl whom I genuinely think is cool, who I have so much in common with, and have a truly fun time with...but I guess she doesn't quite feel the same about me? Well, not to the extent where she would be making more of an effort anyway.

I am getting older now, and I guess I am starting to recognize time wasters and dead ends when I see one (finally). So, I did something that I have never been brave enough or smart enough to ever do before... I deleted her number, and I deleted her text messages, completely cutting off any way of contacting her. As much as I truly do like her... I can't keep pursueing these girls that clearly don't feel the same way in return. It is something I've been doing for years now, and time and time again it always ends badly (obviously).

And while the optimist in me is raging at my decision, trying to tempt me to keep purseing by yelling at me from the back of my mind "You fool! You never know unless you try!", the self-respect in me is saying "Dude, you know what? You deserve better then this".

I guess I just have to keep waiting until I find one that is actually worth wasting my time on (which translates to: one who thinks that I am worth wasting time on in return).

2013: Let's start over, shall we?

It is currently January 14th, 2014, but I am yet to do my customary 'year just gone by recap'. Part of me was lazy, and part of me just wasn't feeling it. I still don't really feel like it, but, you know... got to keep up the tradition!

2013. Sucked. Balls.

It was easily one of the worst I have had for quite some time. I returned from my year long backpacking trip around America in the first quarter of the year, only to struggle to adapt being back home again.

But at the same time, I realized that being back home, and unemployed, provided me the rare opportunity for an entirely new start in life, so I mapped out what my goals were to be for the rest of 2013 (with teaching more classes at my old University, pursuing my freelance career more vigorously, and getting a new girlfriend being chief among them).

This all started off well. I got some classes to teach, I was getting a few freelance clients, and this girl (whom I have been crazy about for years now) and I went on a weekend inter-state holiday together for the fun of it, so that was looking positive as well.

Fast forward to the end half of the year, and I was thoroughly depressed about pretty much everything. I hated the house I was living in and the stupid housemates within it, I ended up asking the girl out (whom I was crazy about), but got rejected (which sucked), and then we had an arguement and stopped being friends all together (which I hated).

I didn't even blog during the entirety of November (which is not like me), I felt lost, cheated... you get the idea.

But, as we begin 2014... I have to say, honestly, that 2013 was one of the best things that could have happened to me. It is hard to see it at the time, but upon looking back you can really get a new perspective on things.

2013 sucked, there's no doubt about that, but it was the year I set new goals for what I wanted out of life, which I think helped me realize what makes me tick and where my passions lie. I've now moved into an entirely new house, one that has none of the qualities that I hated of the old (something I might not have known about if I hadn't lived in the crappy one in 2013).

It was the year I took a huge risk and leap at the chance to be happy when I asked the girl out, despite knowing that it might ruin my friendship with her, and that all our other friends would know about me asking, and also despite being nervous as hell, I did it anyway. And I know the next time I am in that situation I will be able to handle it better.

It was the year that I hated so, so much, that I think has put me in a much better position in making 2014 a year that I will enjoy. One of the best ways to enjoy life, is to know what you don't enjoy about it (or something like that anyway).

Rolling down the hill

It's been a while since my last post, it appears. Not that I haven't been writing... I write all the time really, but I guess I didn't want any of it to be seen by anyone else. I don't really have a purpose or a point in this post, I just wanted to... post something, anything really, simply to prove to myself (and I guess to any readers) that I am still around, alive, still living.

I think I've said this line far too many times on this blog, but I feel that I have to say it yet again: "My mind is a swirl of thoughts and emotions right now". I don't know what is going on... it is a struggle to keep up, to stay relevant, to be at the very least 'on top of things'.

My work is slipping... I am a freelancer, who works insanely slow, and who doesn't have the energy to put into obtaining more clients to keep the work flowing in... which sums up a lot of things in my life really. I don't care about money... I've got enough to get me by comfortably... but, you know, I worry about the future, my future, where I guess I'll need to settle down eventually.

If that will ever happen.

I'm injured at the moment... well, two injuries really. Amazingly in the one week I've managed to tear a muscle in my left bicep, and then roll my left ankle only a few days later as well. I hobble around like I am in my 70's... which is depressing since I am only currently 25.

Ha... 25. Am I meant to be 'an adult' by now? Yeah, forget that. I am so far behind where I think I should be by now. You know when you think back to when you were younger, say your teenage years and possibly early 20's, and you physically cringe at some of the memories that you have? The memories of some of the downright stupid, awkward, and ridiculous things that you did back then, and you just have to ask yourself  "oh god, what was a thinking"? Well, at 25, I am still doing those really weird, awkward, regretful things that make me cringe.

And... that's about it really. I don't know what else to type. Everything I want to type, I've already said before.

I've been this way for... an extremely long time now. Constantly I am looking towards the 'future', and think to myself "one day, everything will work out". You know, like it is in the movies, or when you voice your concerns to your friends. "It'll all work out" is the message they always pass on. I guess, after so long, I am starting to question their wisdom. After all this time, I basically start to think "if it hasn't happened by now, after all this time, then it is increasingly unlikely that it will ever happen". Which I apologize if it is a too depressing thing to say!

A lot of my issues come down to my lonliness. Sure I have friends... quite a lot of them in fact, but I don't truly connect with any of them. Even my longest kept friends whom I have known for literally 13 years now do I truly feel in sync with them. I've always been somewhat the 'outsider' in the group. So time and time again have I wished to truly connect with someone... anyone, and my optimism tells me that it will happen, eventually, at any moment, and the stories I read and the movies I watch also tell me the same thing... and while I do know 25 years of age is still somewhat young, I truly worry that at 35 years old... I will still be wondering and wishing about the same thing.

My relationship promise

I've been single for... numerous years now since my last proper relationship, and as much as I hate to admit it, and as much as I try to rebel against it... it does get to me quite at bit at times. I am not in so deep to say that "I can't truly enjoy my life until I am in a relationship", not at all, my life is actually way exciting and enjoyable, but I guess I could define it as... "it would be quite nice to have someone to share it with"...

Yes, I think that sums it up nicely.

There are times where I'll see another couple when I am out, perhaps at the supermarket, or at the park, and I'd think to myself "man... if I had a girl, I'd definitely like to surprise her by paying for her groceries, or organizing a surprise picnic" or something to that affect. Basically, I know that if I ever do get lucky enough to be in a good relationship, that I'd try to be the most thoughtful, surprising, generous partner that I could be. Partly to show how much I appreciate them, and partly because I truly enjoy seeing the joy on their faces.

(Sounds cheezy I know, but I swear I am legit...)

However... a thought occurred to me: perhaps many of these other people whom are currently in a relationship also promised similiar things before they were in a relationship, and after months, or years, of being in one, they have kind of forgotten about such a promise, and have let things lapse?

In other words: You start a relationship full of thoughfullness and effort, but over the months or years, the thoughtfullness and effort starts to dwindle off a little as you fall into a bit of a routine with your partner.

With all this in mind, I wanted to write down some 'promises' that I can look back on from time to time in the future, to remind myself to do all these things to make them feel... as appreciateded as I am sure they are meant to be.

I promise to:
- Make her breakfast in bed, just for the fun of it
- Send random flowers/chocolates/presents
- Support her with her dreams/passions/ideas
- Send her random texts just to say that I am thinking about her
- Tickle her
- Think of super awesome, unexpected gifts for her birthday

And most of all, I want to:
- Take her to my favourite spot in the hills near my home town for a picnic, where you can see the city down below
- Travel with her!
- Make her laugh, all the time, sometimes just because I am bored and want to hear her laugh
- Hugs. Early in the morning, late at night, when she is looking completely the other way
- Take her to my favourite restaurants (there are a lot of them)
- Cheer her up on her tough days
- Introduce her to my best mates in the world (and know that they'll love her, and she'll love them in return)
- Be introduced to her world of interests, hobbies, and events
- To make her smile... just to improve her life in the smallest of ways

And probably many more. I never want to take someone special for granted... for I know how bad it can be at times before they arrived.

This is my promise.

Me, the Vegetarian...ish

As of August 13th, I have started taking my first steps to become a semi-vegetarian... yay?

I say 'semi' because I don't think I can entirely cut out meat, as some white meat in your diet (chicken, turkey) I think will be quite beneficial to me still (I am quite slim), as are the oils from fish, so I think I will still stick with those for the time being. But I do at least vow to attempt to cut out red meat entirely, and drastically cut back on my intake of dairy as well.

It's been nearly 2 months now actually, and I have had practically no red meat at all. My only lapses have been for a few chicken parmigiana meals that had ham on them, and one time I was given a free pizza that had meat on it, but I certainly wasn't going to throw away perfectly good food. Other than that, it has been 2 months without steaks, lamb, cheese burgers... any red meat really :D

So, why the choice?

I have always been very into nutrition and healthy eating, and lately I've been doing a lot of reading, and watched a few great documentaries, and have found that there is evidence to support a correlation between the consumption of red meats and certain diseases. This is particularly apparent when you look at a Western diet, and then the amount of deaths each year from diseases such as diabetes, prostate cancer, health diseases, colon cancer (and so on) in the Western world, compared to that of an Eastern diet and the rates of deaths from similar diseases in the Eastern world.

The amount of deaths in the Western world for certain diseases far outweight any from a less red meat based diet.

Now, I am by no means saying that the evidence is 'fact'... I am merely saying that there is a suggestion of sorts. Regardless, health is only one reason for this choice. The second reason relates to the environment, and the third relates to the treatment of agricultural animals (cows especially), with these two reasons being of my primary concern.

For instance; it takes approximately 10 times the fossil fuels to produce a tonne of red meat than it does to produce plant based food, livestock is a major contributor to the amount of greenhouse damaging gases released every year, and to raise them all takes huge expanses of land as well. I am quite fond of the environment... I would like my future kids to have the chance to be fond of it also.

And the treatment of animals argument? Well... it isn't to much of a secret on how poorly they are kept. Sigh.

Anyways, it isn't hurting anyone by me making a choice like this, so it is a win-win all round! Eventually I hope to cut out pretty much all meat, but it will be a slow process while I prepare myself with the knowledge to still have a nutritious diet. Meat does have a lot of great nutrients for you, and while you can get everything you need from a plant-based diet, it can be dangerous to attempt if you don't do it correctly.

Two great documentaries I've watched recently, if anyone was interested, were:
- Forks over Knives
- King Corn

Are any of my readers vegetarian? I've love to hear on how you got started, and of any tips that are worth sharing too.

Bon voyage beginner French lessons!

10 weeks ago I started a weekly French class just for the fun of it, with tonight being the last class :(

Until the next term starts at least!.. but that isn't until February.

The classes were such a blast. The teacher was amazing (oh man am I a sucker for a French accent), the other classmates were really cool, and seeing as how the last few months have been so chaotic and challenging (with work and injuries) it is indescribable how good it was to have at least one constant in my life. To every Wednesday night drive to the French class where I had two hours of just 'me' time. No outside worries what so ever, just the simple joy you get from learning something new in life, and having fun people to do it with.

Awesome.

For our last class tonight our teacher amazingly organized for us to have a French wine and cheese tasting, sweet. It was initially meant to be a way for us to playfully practice a bunch of new words and phrases we had just learned, but we got side tracked and just drank wine and ate cheese and chatted for an hour instead. No complaints there!

Every year I try about one or two completely new activities (eg swing dancing, indoor soccer, yoga), but I think the French classes have been one of my favourite yet :)

Oh and better yet, we got a certificate to top it all off! I know it is just the very beginners course (A1 level), but... you know, it is kind of nice to get something official to remember it by.

Here's for A2 level beginner class next year!

Au bientot!

On behalf of Australia, we're deeply sorry

On behalf of Australia, I just wanted to apologize for what an idiot our new Prime Minister is... the whole world will suffer as a result.

• A huge step-backwards in Australia's plan to reduce their carbon footprint and thus reduce its affects on Global Warming. It is one thing for an idiot Prime Minister to affect their own country... but they had to punish the whole World for their stupidity too?


• A massive cut to the already-in-development new National Broadband Network, reducing its theoretical 100Mb connection speed once fully implemented nation-wide down to only 25Mb, in an effort to 'be more affordable'. Yeah, there is a reason the new planned network would be more affordable... because it is vastly inferior, and will cost drastically more in the future when it will inevitably need to be upgraded yet again. Do we not want international collaborations in the future?


• Massive cuts in many research projects around the country... because, like above, why would we want our scientists and researchers to contribute on a global scale? 

The list goes on. His name is Tony Abbott by the way. If you Google him you'll find some hilarious memes and jokes about him. There's that at least.

I apologize everybody. Please join us while we hang in there over these next few years of hardship...


Update: It just keeps getting worse I'm afraid. The new government have just appointed who is to be the ministers for their parliament cabinet. Here is a list of what positions NO LONGER EXIST:

• No Youth Ministry
• No Early Childhood Ministry
• No Science Ministry
• No Climate Change Ministry
• No Disability Ministry
• No Aged Care Ministry
• No Workplace Relations Ministry 

Come on! NO SCIENCE MINISTRY? What the hell? Not to mention Climate Change! It doesn't matter if he personally doesn't believe in it, he shouldn't be eliminating even the choice for debate. Here is a quote that just depressed me further:

"Minister for Science was formed in 1928 in Australia and except for a few weeks during WWII has been in effect ever since. Until now."

This new Prime Minister is an absolute idiot... he has his own personal beliefs (climate change skeptic, religious beliefs etc) and is pressing them onto the rest of the country.

Sigh... 

The return of Garden Man!

You may recall the story I posted a little while ago of the slightly mentally challenged middle aged man whom feels the need to come to my house and chop down our trees and/or dissemble our gates for one reason or another (it is often due to the apparent 'danger' that our trees present to the powerlines... in his mind at least).

Well after the last time he was by, he came over once more, where this time my other housemate got mad at him and told him to go away. That was quite some time ago, and silently optimistically my housemates and I had hoped he was gone for good.

He wasn't...

My housemates and I woke up one frosty morning to spy this from our front window...

Garden Man strikes again! This time with some impressive yet disturbing axe work on a tree in our front yard...

An entire tree!

He did it super early in the morning, and all of our bedrooms are at the back of the house thus we didn't hear anything. I informed the police, but seeing as we didn't know Garden Man's surname, where he lives, or have any way to get into contact with him really, there wasn't much they could do understandably.

Now, I'd like to take a quick moment to clarify that Garden Man isn't dangerous, or a complete psyhco, he is just slightly mentally challenged to the point that he seems to struggle to process the fact that this isn't his house, and that he doesn't in fact have some obligation to look after the garden. In fact, the times I have chatted with him, he's actually made me laugh a few times!

Anyways, the housemates and I needed to get this sorted once and for all. Who knows what else Gardan Man had in store for us.

That, however, would be a challenge. Garden Man is quite illusive! It is very rare for one of us to actually catch him in the act, as he often works super early in the morning when we are asleep, or when we are out of the house. Oh, and this is at random days too! He could disappear for months, or he could return twice in one week.

The only even slightly predictable thing that he does every now and again is that he puts the bins out onto the road for collecting on bin collection day (for some reason). In a few days time the bins were due to be collected.

A plan was born!

My Garden Man trap!

I designed a trap!

My trap consisted of having a bunch of soda cans tied together with fishing line that will sit in my room, while the other end of the fishing line will lead out my bedroom window and out to the backyard, hidden along the ground, and then be tied to the bin! If Garden Man comes and moves the bin in the morning, it'll move the cans in my room, ill wake up from the rattle of the cans and BAM! Got him!..

... well, that was the plan anyhow.

My housemates and I went to bed that night not overly hopeful that he would even show up, but optimistic nonetheless.

I awoke the next morning to find my trap of soda cans and fishing line still sitting unmoved on my desk chair. Either Garden Man hadn't come during the night like I'd hoped, or the trap hadn't worked. Sigh. The trap did still look intact however, but he rarely comes during daylight hours, so I figured we must have missed our chance... bummer!

I removed my collection of ragdoll soda cans and milk bottle filled with rocks from my desk chair and onto the floor, and got straight to work (I had a meeting with a client on Skype at 10am). It was halfway through my meeting when, through the chatter from the headphones I was wearing on my ears, I thought I heard a disturbance. I looked over at the trap sitting on the floor... hmm, am I imagining things, or is it now slightly closer to the window?

A few tense seconds passed... nothing.

Hmm, must have imagined it. I turn back to my computer screen to resume talking to my client, when suddenly 'WHOOSH!' the milk bottle and soda cans rattle and zoom across my bedroom floor, crash into the window, then crash again as it came back down to the floor as the fishing line snapped!

"AH!!! WOW! WAIT! GARDEN MAN IS HERE!" I screamed involuntarily into my headphones, freaking the hell out of my client. "UMM, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!"

Throwing my headphones off I ran down the hallway, banging wildly on Liz's (my housemates) door "Liz! Liz! HE'S HEREEEEEE!!!"

Like we had planned, I'd go outside and chat to him to keep him busy, while Liz would stay inside and call the police. I rush outside and sure enough, he's coming down the drive way wheeling the bin.

"Garden Man! What the hell did you do to our tree!?"

We chatted for ages as I tried to keep him busy and to stay put, while through the front windows I could see Liz dialing the police from our loungeroom. We chat about trees... and power lines... and how the trees are apparently in danger of disrupting said power lines (which is the reason why the tree had to be cut down... of course... apparently...).

10 minutes later, the police arrived. We did it!!! Garden Man (aka Anthony, as we soon found out), has finally been caught!

Although, we are already well aware that it won't be the last we have seen of him. But at least for the next time I know a great way on how to catch him!

Victory!

It might be time to move house

Not to be a downer guys, but this year just does not like me very much at all. Upon returning home from my 1 year backpacking trip in March, I had a few basic goals in mind for how I would like to spend this year:

- Work hard so I can remain a freelancer full-time
- Get more classes to teach for this semester at the University I sometimes teach at
- Travel again
- Get a girlfriend
- Move out of my parents house again
- Improve on my French and swing dance skills

Reading a previous post that I wrote back in May, it appears that all these dreams were coming along extremely well. Clients wanting my freelance services were flying in, I had classes to teach at the University (something I love doing), I was getting close with one of my old crushes... whom I was planning on confessing my feelings to, and I had just moved out of my parents house within a month of returning to Australia to a house that seemed fantastic.

Oh, and I started French lessons, so that was fun too.

All in all, things were looking up.

Fast forward a few months, and... well things are a little different. I haven't had paying work from any freelance clients for over a month now, and I missed out on any teaching opportunities at the University for this semester, so with a lack of cash flow I doubt I'll be traveling anytime soon either. The girl I had a crush on declined my advances, and now we aren't even speaking anymore. I've injured my knee quite badly, so I can no longer swing dance. And now... to top it all off, I am starting to really despise the house and the housemates that I live with, and am thinking I want to move out.

My housemates boyfriend stays at our house literally 6 days a week... sigh. Doesn't pay rent, hardly pays bills, or for any of the house needs really, nor even does some household chores... it's driving me insane. Then the other housemate is basically an ass, so that's fun. Sigh.

So, that's where I am currently at. At least the French lessons are still fun...

I really need some freelance work to pick up again. I'm not giving up hope on these dreams just yet... but I am starting to feel like just the tiny bit a failure of late. Am I planning too much, and need to go with the flow more? Perhaps. But, you know, I thought there was nothing wrong with setting yourself goals and working to achieve them, no?

It just feels that for every one step of progress I make, I'm stumbling backwards 3 steps more.

Either way, I'd really enjoy a win right about now...

Do you play games?

Fellow bloggers, I suck at attracting the opposite sex. Well, in a romantic way anyway. For casual friendships and acquaintances, I'm awesome, no worries really. I can be casual and funny, but as soon as I am interested in a girl... something just breaks in my brain.

I bring this up because I often find myself analyzing or 'critiquing' my interactions with people to see if I could improve in any way. Perhaps I am too withdrawn? Likely. Maybe I'm just not good at engaging funny conversations on first meets? Well, that is definitely true, although I am great once I get to know them. Whatever it is, I haven't stumbled across the answer yet!

Sometimes I wonder if I should try the 'player' tricks. You know what I mean, those 'rules' of what 'apparently' works to get a girl interested, the cliche' ones such as "don't call for at least 3 days after you get her number", and "playfully make fun of her" and so on. And, I think I have tried those at times (although rather mildly), but they just feel so fake and forced that I know it is probably seen right through for the ruse that they are.

I really feel the most comfortable just being 100% myself, which I guess includes my cool, and not so cool qualities.

My best friend for example is able to send awesome text messages to people. Somehow he just knows the right thing to say to keep a conversation interesting and funny, where I am sure the girl on the other end is smiling as she reads it. I on the other hand, when texting, manage to make it sound like we are closing on a business deal haha.

But, I guess that's alright?

I've been single for quite some time now. I've gone over it many times in my head, analyzing my approaches and interactions, and I can't see that I am doing something 'wrong' per se. I've got plenty of female friends, some I am quite close with, so I assume that I can indeed be quite cool.

As I sit here about to email this girl (for work purposes) whom I am interested in, I can see both approaches clearly in front of me. Do I purposely try and be funny and interesting, to write it in a way to keep the conversation going? Or, do I just be completely myself, write the email as I need it to be written, and simply hope for the best?

Ed Sheeran, the singer, said this great quote I heard once. He was asked the question "What would you plan for a first date with a girl?" He laughed, and mentioned his love of the tv show the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, eating popcorn (or something), and sitting on the couch all night in a onesie. He then laughed again and said "Well, that probably won't make for a great first date for a girl, but then again, if the girl doesn't like a date like that, then she probably isn't right for me then now is she?"

I think I'll continue to just be completely myself with all my interactions, and simply hope for the best. Well, for a little while longer at least. If another year goes by... well, then it may be time to opt for some entirely new approach!

How about you guys?

The story of Garden Man

I moved out of my parents house and into a share house a few months ago (something that was on my 2013 goal list), and I am pleased to say that it is going pretty great. My house mates Liz and Greg are awesome, the house is nice enough, and I am in close proximity to some of my best friends.

And best of all? I am lucky fortunate enough to have a completely new adventure saga unfold, for soon after moving in is when I first got to meet who we know only as 'Tony the Garden Man'. Let me begin.

So a few days after moving in I was home alone in the morning doing some work, when I heard a small commotion happening outside. Best to investigate! I grabbed my phone and headed outside, opting to invesitgate the backyard first. I turn the corner of our large shed to find a middle aged man wheeling our garbage bin out of the shed.

"Umm... who are you?" I said.

He jumped, obviously startled, which to me indicated he was under the assumption that no one was home.

"Oh! Hi... why is the bin now kept in the shed?" the middle aged man replied, while holding the rim of my bin, standing in the door frame of my shed door.

"What? I don't know. That's where we keep it I suppose. Hang on, why does it matter? Who are you?"

"Well I need the bin." He replied, completely ignoring my 'who are you?' question. Which was fine actually, because I just thought of a much more pressing question. It had just clicked to me that we usually have a padlock on the shed door... so... how is he now walking out of our shed?

"Umm... how did you get into the shed?"

"Oh, I cut the padlock off"

"What!?"

"I needed the bin, why did you lock the shed if I needed the bin?"

It was at this stage that things started to piece together, for I suddenly realized that this man is slightly mentally challenged, thus probably doesn't quite know what he is doing. I was certainly not going to get angry at a mentally challenged person, as I strongly doubted he was purposely trying to be melicious or troublesome, so I decided to play along and see if I can get some answers. Or better yet, for him to go away.

"Alright, come show me why you need the bin" I suggest.

He wheels the bin along the driveway and out into the front yard... I saw immediately what he wanted the bin for.

"Why is there a large pile of tree branches in my front yard!? Actually, better yet... where did all these tree branches in my front yard come from!?" This is not what I expected to find.


"Don't worry I'll pick all these branches up and put them in the bin for you" he replies in a rather nonchalant kind of way...

Sigh.

I press a little further. "Ok, good... but where did they come from?"

He points over to a large tree along our fence. I can see it is now missing a considerable amount of limbs.

"Whyyyy are you cutting my tree down?"

"It's not your tree. This isn't your house."

"Well, no it isn't my house, but I am renting to be here. Besides, I still have a lot more claim to the tree then you do, you don't even live here! Why don't you do gardening at your own house?" I suggest optimistically, as if suddenly it would click to him that this was an option and he would go home immediately.

"I can't do my garden, I am only renting"

"Well you can't do stuff to my garden either"

"Oh, no, this tree needs to go. It is too close to your power lines"

I look above. The tree is a safe distance from the powerlines.

"I think the powerlines will be ok. What's your name?"

"Tony"

"Good. Ok, Tony, can I have your phone number please?"

"I don't have a phone"

"Not even at your house?"

"Nope"

... ok.

"Ok. So why are you coming to my house and cutting my trees down?"

I then got a 10 minute explanation about all the dangers within my garden. There are tree branches that are apparently too close to the powerlines, which by the way he was explaning it, are about to spontaneously combust at any moment. Also, the gutters are apparently rusting, which may trigger an earthquake if they fall of course, and let's not forget the overhanging branches along our driveway, that could be used to house nuclear weapons!

"Tony. Tony... Tony! Tony, stop. Tony, look at me. Look at me. Tony, here, look!" Eventually my reptitions snap him out of his speech. He stops and looks at me.

"Ok. Good. Now, Tony. Promise me, you are not going to come and chop the rest of this tree down"

"Oh, I can't make that promise"

I cracked up laughing at that response.

"Haha! What do you mean!? No, Tony, come on. Promise me, you are not going to cut down this tree."

He sighs. "Alright".

"Good. Now come back tomorrow and pick up the rest of these branches."

"Fine. Right. I'll see you tomorrow"

And just like that, he walks off down the street, his grey hat on tight and his little backpack on. It wasn't until later that it dawned on me that he must have had the bolt-cutters he had used to cut the padlock off the shed in his bag!

I reenact the story to my housemates when they came home, whom then inform me that he has been coming around for the last 6 months!

"Yeah he has been coming around for ages! You know that tree stump in the front yard? That used to be a giant tree that we just found in pieces one day. And our gate to get to the backyard that is now in pieces... that was him too, he did it while we were sleeping." My housemate Liz informs me.

The lovely secure gate, as curteousy of Garden Man

"No way! Why didn't you call the police or something?"

"Because he always comes either at night, or when we are not home, and we have never met him in person before" says Greg, my other housemate.

"Wow... umm... ok. Well I talked to him today, so hopefully that is the end of it."

It most certainly wasn't the end of it...

French class

Every year I like to try completely new activities than what I did the previous year. Chances are that I never stick with the activity for more than a year, where I never really master the new skill, but it is the variety and experience that I am really after.

Last year I was traveling, the year before that was swing dance and yoga, and the year before that was indoor soccer and... whatever else. This year I've decided to take French lessons!

I've done a fair amount of travel so far, and one thing that always strikes me the most is when I meet foreigners whom are bilingual, whom often times have a native language such as French, German or whatever, but then are also able to communicate with me, an English only speaker, in good enough (or sometimes even absolutely perfect) English. It is one thing I really envied of them.

So, why French? No idea really. I don't really have any desire to live in France anytime soon, nor is it likely I will make it to Europe anytime soon for that matter. The language I would most like to learn is Mandarin as I have a strong desire (and possibly plans) to live in Taiwan or China sometime soon... but I am just not disciplined enough to master a language as hard as that to be honest. My second choice for a language to learn would be Japanese, as that is another country that I would love to spend some time in some day... but again, I just don't think I could put my mind to it as much as I would need to.

So, French was my top choice of the 'easier' languages to learn.

I had my first class last week, and it was actually really great. There is only like 5 of us in the class so that's cool, and the teacher seemed great. It is a 10 week course so... will see how we go!

This probably made for a boring post, but I have a backlog of things to write about, as I do like to use this blog as a bit of a diary as to what I've been up to. And who knows, perhaps in a year or two I've actually stuck with learning the language and I have gotten quite far with it all, and I will be able to look back at this very post and reminisce on the exact point in time where it all began =)

Or perhaps I'll make it to France much sooner than I think!

Regaining my footing

I've been floating of late. First there was the mess that was the girl, that had me quite rattled I must admit. Then my freelance projects kind of finished up...  all at the exact same time, meaning I went from insanely-busy-but-in-a-good-way to I-literally-have-no-commitments in the space of a few days. Yikes!

Then I injured my knee, preventing me from my swing dance classes for at least a month, as well as exercise (something that keeps me sane). And... then a lot of other stuff too. So, it wasn't a great time.

Usually during times of hardship I relish at having work, exercise, or other commitments to keep me occupied. Whether it be while I do my bi-daily jog along the beach, or swing dance class, or computer programming for a client, I find its a way to temporarily escape from the worries of my day, to be able to be doing something that is both enjoyable and productive.

Then, all of a sudden, with no clients and injuries, my escapes all disappeared.

It's been a good two weeks of not doing much really. I find that I am trying to force myself to be productive, in an effort to use this sudden 'unemployment' opportunity to my advantage but this just leads me to jump from one project to the next hourly, resulting in... well not much getting done at all!

I was mid way through another project where I out of no where got the urge to start writing this post...

But alas, two weeks is long enough, and it is time to get back on my feet. You can recall that back in April I outlined what I hope to achieve in 2013, which I then further defined again in May.

To summarize: becoming a Freelance Software Developer is my ultimate dream. To take in clients, work on my own solutions, build my own networks, and most importantly to be able to be my own boss and set my own hours.

But, this isn't going to happen if I just laze around most days!

There may be a lull in clients at the moment (I currently only have 1) which means hardly any work at the moment (to be honest it's practically none), but, that doesn't mean it should be a wasted opportunity! I have a website to build, a logo to design, and business cards to order if I really want to get this freelance off the ground.

Not to mention that my personal non-work related To-Do list is far too long as well (my friend has been waiting 10 days for me to fix his laptop for him haha). I know that I am meant to be blogging for both myself and you readers, to hopefully share and learn from each other, but sometimes I just need to blog... basically to myself. And this is one of those posts.

It's time to rally! =)

I'm out of sync

I shouldn't have agreed to see her the other night. I had a bad feeling from the start, as soon as I agreed to go.

She seems to have forgiven me already after what I did, but to be honest, that just annoys me even more the fact that she has forgiven me. I want her to know that what she did just isn't cool. I want her to know that what I said a month ago I did not say lightly nor did I only half mean it. I want her to think that I am annoyed at her, hell, I want her to be annoyed at me in return! At least it would make the situation more real, instead of her sending me a text message tonight (which is Wednesday, only 3 days after the incident that happened on Sunday) all as if it meant nothing?

Does she really think I was a douche to her for the fun of it, and really has no idea I did it for a reason? How blind can she be?

Sigh.

Her housemate (one of my best mates) invited me over for dinner tonight, but I declined. She sent a messaging saying "You can come over if you like! =)", to signify that I guess things were cool between us once more?

In honesty, what I really wanted to text back was "I don't feel like seeing you right now". Or even better, I could have said "What you said actually hurt, and I wished you realized that".

But... I couldn't. I couldn't because her and I are in the same friendship group, and if we aren't friends, then there will be a gap in the group, and people will have to take sides, and... that just won't end well. Besides, there is a good chance I'd loose that battle, as I am definitely the noobie in the group having been inducted only 2 years ago (where as they have all known each other for much longer).

Instead I replied some lame text back to her, something like "It's fine, I didn't choose not to come over because of you. I've already eaten dinner, and am in the middle of some work". Once more my hiding true thoughts.

Sigh. I don't know. It'd just be nice to know that... she took my confession seriously, you know? That she understands where I am coming from. Instead I have to hold my tongue, pretend everything is okay, and just play along like nothing ever happened.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I spent a few hours researching foreign countries. Sometimes... all I wish to do is plan another holiday, and just take off for a few months like I did for my backpacking around America. Sometimes I wonder if friends are meant to be like this?

Well, actually. I don't have any drama what so ever with any of my other friends. Out of all of them, she really is the only one that causes me grief. Is it time to let her go? For good?

When did everything get so complicated...

Am I the crazy one, or is she?

It's been a month since I asked the girl out. The one that I have been pretty into for over a year now (but I left and backpacked around America for 1 year in the mean time, only to return to Australia to find that I was still into her).

After months of deliberation, I got the courage to finally confess how I felt. It took courage, some crazyness, and just that little bit of 'putting-yourself-out-there' that is always tough to do when leading up to it is (but it isn't quite so bad once it is over and done with).

Fine, sure, it didn't quite work out how I had hoped. She shut me down, claiming that she counted me as a great male friend whom she did not want to lose due to us dating. Sure, I can get that. In that case, let's stay friends, shall we?

If only.

The following week after my... confession, things were fine. She texted me some funny stuff as we reminisced about our weekend away getaway together to Adelaide. Things seemed fine.

A week later, I was at the university where she studies, so I stopped by to say hi. In return, I got barely anything out of her, and I found that I was holding up the conversation considerably. Alright, maybe she was just tired.

Another week went by, and again I was at her University so I decided to stop by. This time I got even less out of her. Fine, something must be up. I tried to be nice and cool, but clearly she did not want anything to do with me for the time being.

But you know what happened? I didn't care anymore! I didn't do anything wrong by saying that I liked her a month ago, and I certainly wasn't anything but a complete gentlemen about the entire thing, so if she wished to act like that, or even treat me like that, then I truly believed that it was her loss and I was not going to put up with it.

And that, my friends, was it.

For 2 weeks I didn't go visit her, text her, call her or see her. And you know what? It was fantastic! There was no more over-analyzing what every move she made meant, or the endless debates whether to text her or not, and even the wondering what she was up to. In a way, I felt somewhat free, and relieved, as if lifted from some sort of spell. I realized that I didn't need, nor deserved, that kind of treatment from anyone.

And for a little while, I thought that this was perhaps what growing up is all about.

This worked well for two whole weeks until suddenly, on the Thursday just gone by, I got a text from the person I least expected to hear from. It was here.

"Hey what's on tonight? Want to come and drink some wine??"

'Why the hell is she texting me for?' Was my initial reaction.

At the time of receiving the message I was already out, so I replied back that I was busy but perhaps another time, and that was that. I was hoping I wouldn't hear from her again for a while.

Two days later, on Saturday night, I get another text... "What ya up to??" it said.

She is messaging again!? Sigh. I was already busy with friends, so I replied that the offer to drink with her sounded fun, but that I am already busy so another night could work better.

I know it is only a text message, but you have to understand my anguish here. I asked this girl out, she says no, she then seems cool for the following week, then pretty much ignores me when I tried to talk to her the following two weeks, and then I don't talk or speak to her for another following two weeks, to now all of a sudden for her to be texting me twice in three days asking to come round for drinks?

Is she playing a game, or am I reading too much into it?

The next day, Sunday, arrives. This time, she calls me!

"Hey! What you doing tonight? Want to come to the pub for a drink with me and Brendan? (Brendan is one of my best mates, who happens to be her roommate also).

"Errr... alright, I can come" was my put-on-the-spot reply. To be honest I was more eager to see my best mate Brendan, as he had just gotten back from a two week trip to Hawaii. Frankly I was not looking forward to seeing her, our last few encounters had not gone well, and I was suspicious about all this attention she was throwing my way all of a sudden.

Three attempts to get me over for drinks in four days? Fine, whatever, I'll go anyway and see what happens.

The meet-up goes fine. The three of us chatted like old buddies. After the pub I invited them back to my house to continue with the drinking (as they live only 5 minutes walk from my house). Things were well... for a while...

Talks lead onto Brendan's recent trip to Hawaii, where he commented on the pretty girls he saw on the beach. This lead onto Brendan's last romantic chase, where apparently whilst I was backpacking through America last year he met a girl and they went out for a little while. It was a cool story.

Then... while sitting next to me, despite me confessing to her how into her I was, and that we'd make a great couple together only a month ago, she starts telling stories of some of the guys she got with, or pursued, last year.

What. The. Hell!?

I know without a doubt that if a girl confessed to me that she liked me, that I would not be talking in front of her so casually of my previous romantic chases or conquests!!!! How awful would it make that girl feel!? To basically be saying "Hey, I know you asked me out, but I rejected you. Instead, I went for these other, more attractive and cooler people".

Come on!!!

There was a girl who was interested in me a little while back, whom I rejected (in a nice way), and I know that if I were to say right in front of her about the girls I've been interested in or have pursued, that it would make her feel so little and worthless.

Surely it works the other way round!?

Is she the crazy one, or is it me?
 
And at that point, I lost it, and to be honest I acted like a bit of a douche. We were sitting in my lounge room and she wanted more wine, so instead I ignored her and sat down, telling her that she can get it herself. She replied that she can't be bothered arguing against me, and will instead just finish her current wine glass and go home if I wasn't going to get her one. I said that that is fine by me, and that I am not going to get up and get her a wine when she can get it herself. And that was that. She finished her current glass and went home soon after, and I stayed up the rest of the night chatting to my mate Brendan.

Sure, I am not proud of it. Normally, I'd never, ever be a such a douche on purpose like that. In earnest I try to be a very nice, considerate guy to my friends always, treating them like absolute family (as I do cherish them greatly). It truly is very rare that I loose my cool, but I just couldn't take what she was saying, or how much she completely disregarded my feelings. It is completely fine that she rejected me, but to parade her previous romances in my face, with absolutely no concern on how it may affect me as I was sitting right next to her at the time? Come on... that is just not on.

Again, am I the crazy one, or is she?

To be honest, that two weeks while not speaking to her, I was so much more relaxed. To be her friend is... in a word, exhausting. She plays far too many games, you have to tip-toe around her to not offend her, and she thinks far too highly of her herself while judging those around her.

I am not sure it is worth the effort in remaining friends really. Regardless of my feelings for her.

I talked to my best mate about all this. It is pretty rare for me to call him out of the blue to ask for advice about girls (cause, you know, that's not what bro's do too often), but this circumstance was different. He was pretty much on my side, and said that he had been in a similar situation where a girl basically paraded this new guy in front of him despite knowing that he was really into her. So, he could get where I was coming from.

All the above happened only 1 hour ago, and I am typing this at 1am as I am finishing off the bottles of wine that her, Brendan, and I had started for the night.

I'm still raging, and am honestly more furious than I have been in a very long time indeed. I don't often get this worked up, but surely this is just not on? Surely the human race has far more decency? As mentioned already (but I feel I must repeat this) I know I for one rejected a girl recently who was very much into me, but I made sure we remained good friends, and I sure as hell do not speak in front of her about the good looking girls that I have been interested in, for I know that if I did it wouldn't make her feel good about herself at all.

Am I the crazy one?

(Side note: I have drunk a lot of wine before, and during, the typing of this post haha)

I'm back

Apologies for the absence from the blog, it has been quite a hectic few weeks, with so much to sort through and figure out that I couldn't even attempt to sit down and write out my thoughts.

It is currently 3.51am. I'm winding down from a night of drinking with my housemates, and suddenly thought that now, while my mind is somewhat quieter than normal, would be a good time to write a quick 'update' post.

So I guess I should follow up on my last post. The one where I was about to head interstate for a few days on an impromptu trip to an interstate city with the girl I have been into for... a very long time. She was the one who asked me to come in fact, and ever since my return from my backpacking trip around America she has been one of my biggest fans, having seemingly missed me quite a lot.

I will cut to the chase.

We had an absolutely awesome time. The first night we went into the city (Adelaide, South Australia) for dinner, which was nice. The second day was wine tours (which was absolutely hilarious) and then out for dinner and a show at the Adelaide Symphony Orchestra (where we seen Beethoven's 5th! It was fantastic). I had been debating with myself the entire trip whether I should say something to her or not... fearing that if things didn't go well I obviously was stuck with her regardless until we returned home to Melbourne.

But... at the same time, the optimism was there too, for what if things went well, and played out as I hoped, it could have been quite memorable to say the least.

Anyways, moving on. So after the orchestra I figured the time was right. We were walking around the city, having just finished dinner, and we'd just had a few drinks. I took about 20 deep breaths before finally just throwing the words out there... far out it is a scary moment!

Finally, I got the courage to say basically what I thought (and felt). That I thought her and I would be awesome together, and that I had been thinking about it all for quite some time, and that it is hard to mention out loud but I will say it anyway. A very long story short, well, she basically said that she counts me as one of her best male friends, and that friends dating just never works and is never a good idea, and that she would hate to lose me as a friend...

I said that I totally agree, and that friends dating is a terrible idea (based on passed personal experiences as well). But to counter that, I expressed how much I agreed that it is a terrible idea, but the fact that I was to still bring it up should show how much I believed in it. In the... possibilities.

She could see where I was coming from, and agreed that we get along great, and that she wouldn't have invited just anyone along with her for the trip, and that she only invited someone she both trusted and enjoyed spending time with... but still, she stood by her initial statement. That friends dating is a bad idea, and that nothing I could say would change her mind.

So... that's that I guess.

It has been a really strange few weeks since that day. Keeping in mind that this all happened 3 weeks ago from the time I am writing this post. At first, I was pretty... low in mood. And was not a big fan of myself in the slightest. I spent a lot of time wishing that... I don't know, I was... cooler, or simply better looking, or something. I don't know, just something where it could have changed the outcome.

Then at the same time, I felt infinitely relieved. To have spent months having the thought of asking her out, and what her answer may be, spinning over and over in my head, to finally have an answer where I didn't have to guess anymore was... a very free feeling. On one hand, it absolutely sucked... yet I guess, to be fair, on the other hand it was almost like closure to a very long chapter of a story.

Not to mention that... perhaps... I should be proud of myself? I don't know.

I am not sure if my asking her out affected our friendship. I made a huge conscious effort to make sure that things wouldn't get weird between us... especially because when I asked her initially while still in Adelaide, we still had another full day, a flight home, then an hours drive home together still ahead of us ha. Everything seemed pretty cool the next day, on the way home, and then even the few days after that... but... I don't know, the last week or two I have barely seen her. And when I do, she seems pretty distant, so... who knows. To be honest I have kind of just given up putting in the effort, and that if I am 'one of her closest male friends' that she claims I am, then I guess she can come to me instead.

Sigh... who knows.

Lately I have been a whirl of emotions. I've had a cold. I've hurt my knee quite badly. A few of my close friends are away overseas. And most of all... I am starting to realize that my life in Australia isn't quite as awesome as I remember it was before my backpacking trip around America (back in early 2012). I don't seem to have as many friends as I remember having, nor am I feeling as welcomed as I remember either. I am not sure if it is a result of me being away for an entire year, where perhaps I have drifted from some people (which is fair enough), or perhaps the image of how home was like in my mind was blown out of proportion to the reality?

Either way... I am beginning to wonder if it is time to start preparing for my next long-term overseas adventure (teaching English in Taiwan perhaps) where this time, I don't think I have plans to return to Australia.

Thanks for listening.

The girl and I go on holiday

Before I left for my America trip, I talked about this girl I was into a few times on this blog, all the way back in late 2011 actually. At the time I guess I was pretty invested emotionally, as depicted by this post here, but with my year-long trip looming I figured it was pointless to make any moves. Besides, I'd be away for a year, surely it would blow over by the time I returned?

You would think so. For some reason, she never really left my mind the entire time, despite the great length of time I was away from her.

Upon my return I found myself falling back into the exact same pattern as before I left. What was going on?

We've had some awesome times in the few months since my return to Australia, everyone was clearly happy to see me again, and it was nice to see how much she had genuinely missed me, and since then our friendship has grown quite well. We've gone camping (as a group of friends), walked her dog together (exactly how we used to back in 2011!), and many more fun nights for dinner and drinks too.

It isn't easy, you know. Being friends with someone you can't get off your mind, while keeping a straight face and hiding it from everyone (and them) on a weekly basis. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself, and wonder if it is all worth it. Other times I admit I get disheartened, and doubt my chances... or worse, just doubt myself.

We have an up and down friendship. But I think it is just her personality. One day she'll promise to get back to me about my invite for her to come over to mine for dinner, and I'll never hear from her, so I start to think their is nothing between us. Then the very next day I'll get a text from her inviting me out for lunch... no idea.

I bring all this up because today, this girl is flying interstate (to Adelaide, in fact) to visit her aunty and to explore for the next 2 nights.

She invited me along. I said yes. She seemed very enthusiastic about my agreeing to come too, I might add. So in a few hours off I go to catch a flight to meet her in Adelaide, where it will be just us for the next two nights.

It is hard what to make of it all. It is very likely that I am reading into it far too much, but that is just who I am, and I can't help it, so moving on!

What does that mean!?

Is this a perfect opportunity to get closer with her? Well, closer than we already are that is. Or is it completely platonic and I am over-thinking it all?

Perhaps it is both? Regardless, it is a very strange situation to be in!

I am nervous, of course, because you can never been yourself when around the person you secretly like. You analysis every move you make, and berrate yourself for the ones you didn't (or about the stupid ones that you did). You can never quite relax. Not to mention the reality never matches your built up fantasies of the 'what ifs' and the 'could be'.

I have not the slightest clue on how it will turn out, all I know is that I am rather nervous, and am not at all excited because of my nerves. I'd like to think it'll turn out great, perhaps all my desires will come true, or perhaps it will be terrible.

Either way I have the next 3 days of just us, to figure it all out. Wish me luck =)