I'm out of sync

I shouldn't have agreed to see her the other night. I had a bad feeling from the start, as soon as I agreed to go.

She seems to have forgiven me already after what I did, but to be honest, that just annoys me even more the fact that she has forgiven me. I want her to know that what she did just isn't cool. I want her to know that what I said a month ago I did not say lightly nor did I only half mean it. I want her to think that I am annoyed at her, hell, I want her to be annoyed at me in return! At least it would make the situation more real, instead of her sending me a text message tonight (which is Wednesday, only 3 days after the incident that happened on Sunday) all as if it meant nothing?

Does she really think I was a douche to her for the fun of it, and really has no idea I did it for a reason? How blind can she be?

Sigh.

Her housemate (one of my best mates) invited me over for dinner tonight, but I declined. She sent a messaging saying "You can come over if you like! =)", to signify that I guess things were cool between us once more?

In honesty, what I really wanted to text back was "I don't feel like seeing you right now". Or even better, I could have said "What you said actually hurt, and I wished you realized that".

But... I couldn't. I couldn't because her and I are in the same friendship group, and if we aren't friends, then there will be a gap in the group, and people will have to take sides, and... that just won't end well. Besides, there is a good chance I'd loose that battle, as I am definitely the noobie in the group having been inducted only 2 years ago (where as they have all known each other for much longer).

Instead I replied some lame text back to her, something like "It's fine, I didn't choose not to come over because of you. I've already eaten dinner, and am in the middle of some work". Once more my hiding true thoughts.

Sigh. I don't know. It'd just be nice to know that... she took my confession seriously, you know? That she understands where I am coming from. Instead I have to hold my tongue, pretend everything is okay, and just play along like nothing ever happened.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I spent a few hours researching foreign countries. Sometimes... all I wish to do is plan another holiday, and just take off for a few months like I did for my backpacking around America. Sometimes I wonder if friends are meant to be like this?

Well, actually. I don't have any drama what so ever with any of my other friends. Out of all of them, she really is the only one that causes me grief. Is it time to let her go? For good?

When did everything get so complicated...