I took a big step today

This was the furthest I had gotten for quite some time, so I guess that should count for something. Although if anything, it makes what I just did all that much harder really.

I made the initial effort when we first met (I'd be absolutely no where if I never made the initial effort, with anyone, for some reason), and soon enough we hung out together. It was awesome. I took her to my favourite beach, and we walked, and laughed, got lunch, and spent pretty much the whole day together. It was a great, fun, first time hang out.

I was hoping we'd do another one fairly soon after the first. I sent a text to express my interest in doing such a thing, and encouragingly she replied with equal enthusiasm. "Sounds great, will let you know when I am free as soon as I know what days I am working!" was her text back.

A month went by of silence.

By that stage I had pretty much written her off... but the optimistic in me thought to give it one last chance, so I sent a brief "How's it going text" in the new year.  A few days later I got a reply "Hey! Sorry for disappearing over the holidays there, got really busy at work. Still up for that hang out again? I will let you know when I can!". It was a huge surprise to hear from her again after all that time, but alas, it was a great surprise, and I certainly wasn't going to brush her off.

The following week, we hung out again. It was a repeat of the first time really; a walk along the beach, then lunch, and before we knew it the day was gone and we've had a blast (I believe she had too?). It was so easy to do, to spend the whole day together. I don't know... it was just... cool.

Over lunch there was talk of her computer needing fixing. "Hey, I am in I.T remember, let me know if you want me to have a look at it some time." I inform her. Surprisingly it was only a couple of days later where I got a text from her, requesting my technical support. I agreed to it immediately, knowing that it'd be another chance to hang out.

Leading up to the day I was genuinely excited for it. I've never been that excited to hang out with someone for a very long time indeed. When the day finally arose and I found myself driving over to her house, my excitment actually turned to nerves!

As soon as she opened the door however, I already felt at ease.

We had a blast. Who knew fixing a computer could be so much fun! The last two hours of my time at her house was simply us watching hilarious YouTube videos (we'd gotten completely sidetracked from actually fixing the computer long beforehand really, that's a good sign, right?). I didn't leave till dusk... it was a good day.

Seeing as I didn't actually get to finish fixing her computer entirely, I figured I should send a text saying that we should get together again so I can finish it off. I didn't want to look... 'clingy' or something, so I waited 5 days from our last hang out before sending the text. You know, that seems casual, right?

As predicted, she took a day to reply again. And... I don't know, something clicked in me as I read the text. It wasn't what was in the text message per se (although it did sound a tad less heartful then previous ones), but I guess I just hated how... one-sided this all seemed, you know? It was mostly me making all the effort to organize these hang outs, it was me replying immediately to her texts and not making her wait... it just suddenly dawned on me that "if she really, genuinely wanted to hang with me, then she'd be making more effort in return, right?"

And suddenly it annoyed me, and made me a little sad for just a little while too, that here is this girl whom I genuinely think is cool, who I have so much in common with, and have a truly fun time with...but I guess she doesn't quite feel the same about me? Well, not to the extent where she would be making more of an effort anyway.

I am getting older now, and I guess I am starting to recognize time wasters and dead ends when I see one (finally). So, I did something that I have never been brave enough or smart enough to ever do before... I deleted her number, and I deleted her text messages, completely cutting off any way of contacting her. As much as I truly do like her... I can't keep pursueing these girls that clearly don't feel the same way in return. It is something I've been doing for years now, and time and time again it always ends badly (obviously).

And while the optimist in me is raging at my decision, trying to tempt me to keep purseing by yelling at me from the back of my mind "You fool! You never know unless you try!", the self-respect in me is saying "Dude, you know what? You deserve better then this".

I guess I just have to keep waiting until I find one that is actually worth wasting my time on (which translates to: one who thinks that I am worth wasting time on in return).