A cluttered mind

This is the forth time I have tried to blog over the last week.

Blog ideas often conjure whilst I am driving, or at work, or talking on the phone.  Basically they never appear whilst I am actually at a computer. Then I think 'oh, I definitely have to blog about that when I get home!', and then get I get home, and my original idea is now a hazy memory, and just doesn't feel right, so all I end up with is a blank saved draft with one half complete sentence.

Tonight on my drive to my parents house for the weekend I once again had numerous ideas of what I want to blog about. I turned on my laptop, got some Manchester Orchestra playing (brilliant band), and placed my hands on the keyboard... and realized;

My mind is too cluttered.

There is too much stuff I want to talk about; New York City, my big trip next year, the fact that some travel books I ordered off the internet finally arrived, how much I adore the show 'How I Met Your Mother' (and how I secretly want my life to be like that some day... which I am not sure whether that's silly, disturbing or delusional), how I am feeling rather confident about myself lately (however that is variable), my new plans for the short, medium and long term. How I plan over the next 6 months to become fitter, take self defence classes, complete more tasks on my Life List, spend more time with friends, become better friends with some acquaintances, attempt to get a pay rise at work. Oh, and not to mention all the amazing people I look up to greatly for inspiration and motivation.  Definitely will need to focus on that soon.

But those are all fun, exciting topics. 

Then there is the more serious side of my life; how scared I am of my big trip, how scared I am of not achieving my dreams, my worry that my dreams may be set too high in the first place. How I miss having a girlfriend, and really hate going to my family events where my relatives of a similar age to myself (sister and cousins) all have partners and I am the odd one out.  The fact that I turn 23 next month and have realized I am in a field and job that I don't think I want to do for the rest of my life... but then freak out that I don't know what field and job I want to do.

The fact that an increasing amount of people seem to look up to me of late because of these 'big dreams' and my plans of working towards them, and I worry that now I kind of have this unspoken pressure that 'I definitely can't fail now, with all these people in a way relying on me to follow through with my promises'.  Which, doesn't even really make sense, but I don't have the patience at the moment to figure it out properly.

And then, most importantly, my belief that it takes special kind of people to make it big in the world, those of which who just have that something that no one else quite seems to have, a 'special secret' that allows them to go far, and excel, and stand out.  And I wonder if I have that, or can have that (if I work hard enough).  Maybe anyone can do anything if they really set there mind on it?

I hope so.

I don't want to be super rich, and I definitely don't want to be famous (both of which I believe are very superficial and materialistic in our plastic modern society).  I just want to make the very most out of my life, to experience it like no other, and to share that experience with as many people as I can in the hope that they too will get out there and live their life to the fullest. Something I don't quite feel I am doing at the moment to my fullest potential.

In the end, I just want to be happy.