2013: Let's start over, shall we?

It is currently January 14th, 2014, but I am yet to do my customary 'year just gone by recap'. Part of me was lazy, and part of me just wasn't feeling it. I still don't really feel like it, but, you know... got to keep up the tradition!

2013. Sucked. Balls.

It was easily one of the worst I have had for quite some time. I returned from my year long backpacking trip around America in the first quarter of the year, only to struggle to adapt being back home again.

But at the same time, I realized that being back home, and unemployed, provided me the rare opportunity for an entirely new start in life, so I mapped out what my goals were to be for the rest of 2013 (with teaching more classes at my old University, pursuing my freelance career more vigorously, and getting a new girlfriend being chief among them).

This all started off well. I got some classes to teach, I was getting a few freelance clients, and this girl (whom I have been crazy about for years now) and I went on a weekend inter-state holiday together for the fun of it, so that was looking positive as well.

Fast forward to the end half of the year, and I was thoroughly depressed about pretty much everything. I hated the house I was living in and the stupid housemates within it, I ended up asking the girl out (whom I was crazy about), but got rejected (which sucked), and then we had an arguement and stopped being friends all together (which I hated).

I didn't even blog during the entirety of November (which is not like me), I felt lost, cheated... you get the idea.

But, as we begin 2014... I have to say, honestly, that 2013 was one of the best things that could have happened to me. It is hard to see it at the time, but upon looking back you can really get a new perspective on things.

2013 sucked, there's no doubt about that, but it was the year I set new goals for what I wanted out of life, which I think helped me realize what makes me tick and where my passions lie. I've now moved into an entirely new house, one that has none of the qualities that I hated of the old (something I might not have known about if I hadn't lived in the crappy one in 2013).

It was the year I took a huge risk and leap at the chance to be happy when I asked the girl out, despite knowing that it might ruin my friendship with her, and that all our other friends would know about me asking, and also despite being nervous as hell, I did it anyway. And I know the next time I am in that situation I will be able to handle it better.

It was the year that I hated so, so much, that I think has put me in a much better position in making 2014 a year that I will enjoy. One of the best ways to enjoy life, is to know what you don't enjoy about it (or something like that anyway).

Rolling down the hill

It's been a while since my last post, it appears. Not that I haven't been writing... I write all the time really, but I guess I didn't want any of it to be seen by anyone else. I don't really have a purpose or a point in this post, I just wanted to... post something, anything really, simply to prove to myself (and I guess to any readers) that I am still around, alive, still living.

I think I've said this line far too many times on this blog, but I feel that I have to say it yet again: "My mind is a swirl of thoughts and emotions right now". I don't know what is going on... it is a struggle to keep up, to stay relevant, to be at the very least 'on top of things'.

My work is slipping... I am a freelancer, who works insanely slow, and who doesn't have the energy to put into obtaining more clients to keep the work flowing in... which sums up a lot of things in my life really. I don't care about money... I've got enough to get me by comfortably... but, you know, I worry about the future, my future, where I guess I'll need to settle down eventually.

If that will ever happen.

I'm injured at the moment... well, two injuries really. Amazingly in the one week I've managed to tear a muscle in my left bicep, and then roll my left ankle only a few days later as well. I hobble around like I am in my 70's... which is depressing since I am only currently 25.

Ha... 25. Am I meant to be 'an adult' by now? Yeah, forget that. I am so far behind where I think I should be by now. You know when you think back to when you were younger, say your teenage years and possibly early 20's, and you physically cringe at some of the memories that you have? The memories of some of the downright stupid, awkward, and ridiculous things that you did back then, and you just have to ask yourself  "oh god, what was a thinking"? Well, at 25, I am still doing those really weird, awkward, regretful things that make me cringe.

And... that's about it really. I don't know what else to type. Everything I want to type, I've already said before.

I've been this way for... an extremely long time now. Constantly I am looking towards the 'future', and think to myself "one day, everything will work out". You know, like it is in the movies, or when you voice your concerns to your friends. "It'll all work out" is the message they always pass on. I guess, after so long, I am starting to question their wisdom. After all this time, I basically start to think "if it hasn't happened by now, after all this time, then it is increasingly unlikely that it will ever happen". Which I apologize if it is a too depressing thing to say!

A lot of my issues come down to my lonliness. Sure I have friends... quite a lot of them in fact, but I don't truly connect with any of them. Even my longest kept friends whom I have known for literally 13 years now do I truly feel in sync with them. I've always been somewhat the 'outsider' in the group. So time and time again have I wished to truly connect with someone... anyone, and my optimism tells me that it will happen, eventually, at any moment, and the stories I read and the movies I watch also tell me the same thing... and while I do know 25 years of age is still somewhat young, I truly worry that at 35 years old... I will still be wondering and wishing about the same thing.

My relationship promise

I've been single for... numerous years now since my last proper relationship, and as much as I hate to admit it, and as much as I try to rebel against it... it does get to me quite at bit at times. I am not in so deep to say that "I can't truly enjoy my life until I am in a relationship", not at all, my life is actually way exciting and enjoyable, but I guess I could define it as... "it would be quite nice to have someone to share it with"...

Yes, I think that sums it up nicely.

There are times where I'll see another couple when I am out, perhaps at the supermarket, or at the park, and I'd think to myself "man... if I had a girl, I'd definitely like to surprise her by paying for her groceries, or organizing a surprise picnic" or something to that affect. Basically, I know that if I ever do get lucky enough to be in a good relationship, that I'd try to be the most thoughtful, surprising, generous partner that I could be. Partly to show how much I appreciate them, and partly because I truly enjoy seeing the joy on their faces.

(Sounds cheezy I know, but I swear I am legit...)

However... a thought occurred to me: perhaps many of these other people whom are currently in a relationship also promised similiar things before they were in a relationship, and after months, or years, of being in one, they have kind of forgotten about such a promise, and have let things lapse?

In other words: You start a relationship full of thoughfullness and effort, but over the months or years, the thoughtfullness and effort starts to dwindle off a little as you fall into a bit of a routine with your partner.

With all this in mind, I wanted to write down some 'promises' that I can look back on from time to time in the future, to remind myself to do all these things to make them feel... as appreciateded as I am sure they are meant to be.

I promise to:
- Make her breakfast in bed, just for the fun of it
- Send random flowers/chocolates/presents
- Support her with her dreams/passions/ideas
- Send her random texts just to say that I am thinking about her
- Tickle her
- Think of super awesome, unexpected gifts for her birthday

And most of all, I want to:
- Take her to my favourite spot in the hills near my home town for a picnic, where you can see the city down below
- Travel with her!
- Make her laugh, all the time, sometimes just because I am bored and want to hear her laugh
- Hugs. Early in the morning, late at night, when she is looking completely the other way
- Take her to my favourite restaurants (there are a lot of them)
- Cheer her up on her tough days
- Introduce her to my best mates in the world (and know that they'll love her, and she'll love them in return)
- Be introduced to her world of interests, hobbies, and events
- To make her smile... just to improve her life in the smallest of ways

And probably many more. I never want to take someone special for granted... for I know how bad it can be at times before they arrived.

This is my promise.