Apologies for the absence from the blog, it has been quite a hectic few weeks, with so much to sort through and figure out that I couldn't even attempt to sit down and write out my thoughts.
It is currently 3.51am. I'm winding down from a night of drinking with my housemates, and suddenly thought that now, while my mind is somewhat quieter than normal, would be a good time to write a quick 'update' post.
So I guess I should follow up on my last post. The one where I was about to head interstate for a few days on an impromptu trip to an interstate city with the girl I have been into for... a very long time. She was the one who asked me to come in fact, and ever since my return from my backpacking trip around America she has been one of my biggest fans, having seemingly missed me quite a lot.
I will cut to the chase.
We had an absolutely awesome time. The first night we went into the city (Adelaide, South Australia) for dinner, which was nice. The second day was wine tours (which was absolutely hilarious) and then out for dinner and a show at the Adelaide Symphony Orchestra (where we seen Beethoven's 5th! It was fantastic). I had been debating with myself the entire trip whether I should say something to her or not... fearing that if things didn't go well I obviously was stuck with her regardless until we returned home to Melbourne.
But... at the same time, the optimism was there too, for what if things went well, and played out as I hoped, it could have been quite memorable to say the least.
Anyways, moving on. So after the orchestra I figured the time was right. We were walking around the city, having just finished dinner, and we'd just had a few drinks. I took about 20 deep breaths before finally just throwing the words out there... far out it is a scary moment!
Finally, I got the courage to say basically what I thought (and felt). That I thought her and I would be awesome together, and that I had been thinking about it all for quite some time, and that it is hard to mention out loud but I will say it anyway. A very long story short, well, she basically said that she counts me as one of her best male friends, and that friends dating just never works and is never a good idea, and that she would hate to lose me as a friend...
I said that I totally agree, and that friends dating is a terrible idea (based on passed personal experiences as well). But to counter that, I expressed how much I agreed that it is a terrible idea, but the fact that I was to still bring it up should show how much I believed in it. In the... possibilities.
She could see where I was coming from, and agreed that we get along great, and that she wouldn't have invited just anyone along with her for the trip, and that she only invited someone she both trusted and enjoyed spending time with... but still, she stood by her initial statement. That friends dating is a bad idea, and that nothing I could say would change her mind.
So... that's that I guess.
It has been a really strange few weeks since that day. Keeping in mind that this all happened 3 weeks ago from the time I am writing this post. At first, I was pretty... low in mood. And was not a big fan of myself in the slightest. I spent a lot of time wishing that... I don't know, I was... cooler, or simply better looking, or something. I don't know, just something where it could have changed the outcome.
Then at the same time, I felt infinitely relieved. To have spent months having the thought of asking her out, and what her answer may be, spinning over and over in my head, to finally have an answer where I didn't have to guess anymore was... a very free feeling. On one hand, it absolutely sucked... yet I guess, to be fair, on the other hand it was almost like closure to a very long chapter of a story.
Not to mention that... perhaps... I should be proud of myself? I don't know.
I am not sure if my asking her out affected our friendship. I made a huge conscious effort to make sure that things wouldn't get weird between us... especially because when I asked her initially while still in Adelaide, we still had another full day, a flight home, then an hours drive home together still ahead of us ha. Everything seemed pretty cool the next day, on the way home, and then even the few days after that... but... I don't know, the last week or two I have barely seen her. And when I do, she seems pretty distant, so... who knows. To be honest I have kind of just given up putting in the effort, and that if I am 'one of her closest male friends' that she claims I am, then I guess she can come to me instead.
Sigh... who knows.
Lately I have been a whirl of emotions. I've had a cold. I've hurt my knee quite badly. A few of my close friends are away overseas. And most of all... I am starting to realize that my life in Australia isn't quite as awesome as I remember it was before my backpacking trip around America (back in early 2012). I don't seem to have as many friends as I remember having, nor am I feeling as welcomed as I remember either. I am not sure if it is a result of me being away for an entire year, where perhaps I have drifted from some people (which is fair enough), or perhaps the image of how home was like in my mind was blown out of proportion to the reality?
Either way... I am beginning to wonder if it is time to start preparing for my next long-term overseas adventure (teaching English in Taiwan perhaps) where this time, I don't think I have plans to return to Australia.
Thanks for listening.
21 June 2013
31 May 2013
The girl and I go on holiday
Before I left for my America trip, I talked about this girl I was into a few times on this blog, all the way back in late 2011 actually. At the time I guess I was pretty invested emotionally, as depicted by this post here, but with my year-long trip looming I figured it was pointless to make any moves. Besides, I'd be away for a year, surely it would blow over by the time I returned?
You would think so. For some reason, she never really left my mind the entire time, despite the great length of time I was away from her.
Upon my return I found myself falling back into the exact same pattern as before I left. What was going on?
We've had some awesome times in the few months since my return to Australia, everyone was clearly happy to see me again, and it was nice to see how much she had genuinely missed me, and since then our friendship has grown quite well. We've gone camping (as a group of friends), walked her dog together (exactly how we used to back in 2011!), and many more fun nights for dinner and drinks too.
It isn't easy, you know. Being friends with someone you can't get off your mind, while keeping a straight face and hiding it from everyone (and them) on a weekly basis. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself, and wonder if it is all worth it. Other times I admit I get disheartened, and doubt my chances... or worse, just doubt myself.
We have an up and down friendship. But I think it is just her personality. One day she'll promise to get back to me about my invite for her to come over to mine for dinner, and I'll never hear from her, so I start to think their is nothing between us. Then the very next day I'll get a text from her inviting me out for lunch... no idea.
I bring all this up because today, this girl is flying interstate (to Adelaide, in fact) to visit her aunty and to explore for the next 2 nights.
She invited me along. I said yes. She seemed very enthusiastic about my agreeing to come too, I might add. So in a few hours off I go to catch a flight to meet her in Adelaide, where it will be just us for the next two nights.
It is hard what to make of it all. It is very likely that I am reading into it far too much, but that is just who I am, and I can't help it, so moving on!
What does that mean!?
Is this a perfect opportunity to get closer with her? Well, closer than we already are that is. Or is it completely platonic and I am over-thinking it all?
Perhaps it is both? Regardless, it is a very strange situation to be in!
I am nervous, of course, because you can never been yourself when around the person you secretly like. You analysis every move you make, and berrate yourself for the ones you didn't (or about the stupid ones that you did). You can never quite relax. Not to mention the reality never matches your built up fantasies of the 'what ifs' and the 'could be'.
I have not the slightest clue on how it will turn out, all I know is that I am rather nervous, and am not at all excited because of my nerves. I'd like to think it'll turn out great, perhaps all my desires will come true, or perhaps it will be terrible.
Either way I have the next 3 days of just us, to figure it all out. Wish me luck =)
You would think so. For some reason, she never really left my mind the entire time, despite the great length of time I was away from her.
Upon my return I found myself falling back into the exact same pattern as before I left. What was going on?
We've had some awesome times in the few months since my return to Australia, everyone was clearly happy to see me again, and it was nice to see how much she had genuinely missed me, and since then our friendship has grown quite well. We've gone camping (as a group of friends), walked her dog together (exactly how we used to back in 2011!), and many more fun nights for dinner and drinks too.
It isn't easy, you know. Being friends with someone you can't get off your mind, while keeping a straight face and hiding it from everyone (and them) on a weekly basis. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself, and wonder if it is all worth it. Other times I admit I get disheartened, and doubt my chances... or worse, just doubt myself.
We have an up and down friendship. But I think it is just her personality. One day she'll promise to get back to me about my invite for her to come over to mine for dinner, and I'll never hear from her, so I start to think their is nothing between us. Then the very next day I'll get a text from her inviting me out for lunch... no idea.
I bring all this up because today, this girl is flying interstate (to Adelaide, in fact) to visit her aunty and to explore for the next 2 nights.
She invited me along. I said yes. She seemed very enthusiastic about my agreeing to come too, I might add. So in a few hours off I go to catch a flight to meet her in Adelaide, where it will be just us for the next two nights.
It is hard what to make of it all. It is very likely that I am reading into it far too much, but that is just who I am, and I can't help it, so moving on!
What does that mean!?
Is this a perfect opportunity to get closer with her? Well, closer than we already are that is. Or is it completely platonic and I am over-thinking it all?
Perhaps it is both? Regardless, it is a very strange situation to be in!
I am nervous, of course, because you can never been yourself when around the person you secretly like. You analysis every move you make, and berrate yourself for the ones you didn't (or about the stupid ones that you did). You can never quite relax. Not to mention the reality never matches your built up fantasies of the 'what ifs' and the 'could be'.
I have not the slightest clue on how it will turn out, all I know is that I am rather nervous, and am not at all excited because of my nerves. I'd like to think it'll turn out great, perhaps all my desires will come true, or perhaps it will be terrible.
Either way I have the next 3 days of just us, to figure it all out. Wish me luck =)
16 May 2013
Winter blues
Why don't I just give up?
To go week after week of dreaming, of hoping, to continue going forward despite the setbacks, it is getting harder to answer that question.
It's winter at the moment, here in Australia. I hate winter. I hate how early it gets dark, how tough it is to get out of bed, how grueling a shower can be when stepping out into the freezing air. I dislike the grey cloud days when all you want to do is go outside, the wet footpaths that make you slip, the windows of your car that are frosted over in the morning.
Yet, at the same time, this is also all the things that I love about winter. Cozening up under a rug with a movie playing, the excuse to stay inside when outside is so grim, the nights spent having dinner with friends in the warmth of your home instead of the cold of a local bar.
I hate so much that she doesn't realize her influence on me. That when I ask her over for dinner on a whim, and she replies with "I have to do some work tonight, but I will let you know", and never gets back to me... that it really does affect me greatly. She has no idea, no idea what so ever the power she has. I've now spent my entire Thursday night drinking wine and cooking dinner on my own, all with the hope that any minute now she would suddenly appear at my door. I knew she wouldn't... but... that's where the never ending hope comes in. The hope that says "Don't worry, it'll all work out in the end".
The problem is that I have had the voice of hope on repeat for literally years now. And after all this time, it is still yet to fulfill its promise.
To go week after week of dreaming, of hoping, to continue going forward despite the setbacks, it is getting harder to answer that question.
It's winter at the moment, here in Australia. I hate winter. I hate how early it gets dark, how tough it is to get out of bed, how grueling a shower can be when stepping out into the freezing air. I dislike the grey cloud days when all you want to do is go outside, the wet footpaths that make you slip, the windows of your car that are frosted over in the morning.
Yet, at the same time, this is also all the things that I love about winter. Cozening up under a rug with a movie playing, the excuse to stay inside when outside is so grim, the nights spent having dinner with friends in the warmth of your home instead of the cold of a local bar.
I hate so much that she doesn't realize her influence on me. That when I ask her over for dinner on a whim, and she replies with "I have to do some work tonight, but I will let you know", and never gets back to me... that it really does affect me greatly. She has no idea, no idea what so ever the power she has. I've now spent my entire Thursday night drinking wine and cooking dinner on my own, all with the hope that any minute now she would suddenly appear at my door. I knew she wouldn't... but... that's where the never ending hope comes in. The hope that says "Don't worry, it'll all work out in the end".
The problem is that I have had the voice of hope on repeat for literally years now. And after all this time, it is still yet to fulfill its promise.
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