The girl and I go on holiday

Before I left for my America trip, I talked about this girl I was into a few times on this blog, all the way back in late 2011 actually. At the time I guess I was pretty invested emotionally, as depicted by this post here, but with my year-long trip looming I figured it was pointless to make any moves. Besides, I'd be away for a year, surely it would blow over by the time I returned?

You would think so. For some reason, she never really left my mind the entire time, despite the great length of time I was away from her.

Upon my return I found myself falling back into the exact same pattern as before I left. What was going on?

We've had some awesome times in the few months since my return to Australia, everyone was clearly happy to see me again, and it was nice to see how much she had genuinely missed me, and since then our friendship has grown quite well. We've gone camping (as a group of friends), walked her dog together (exactly how we used to back in 2011!), and many more fun nights for dinner and drinks too.

It isn't easy, you know. Being friends with someone you can't get off your mind, while keeping a straight face and hiding it from everyone (and them) on a weekly basis. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself, and wonder if it is all worth it. Other times I admit I get disheartened, and doubt my chances... or worse, just doubt myself.

We have an up and down friendship. But I think it is just her personality. One day she'll promise to get back to me about my invite for her to come over to mine for dinner, and I'll never hear from her, so I start to think their is nothing between us. Then the very next day I'll get a text from her inviting me out for lunch... no idea.

I bring all this up because today, this girl is flying interstate (to Adelaide, in fact) to visit her aunty and to explore for the next 2 nights.

She invited me along. I said yes. She seemed very enthusiastic about my agreeing to come too, I might add. So in a few hours off I go to catch a flight to meet her in Adelaide, where it will be just us for the next two nights.

It is hard what to make of it all. It is very likely that I am reading into it far too much, but that is just who I am, and I can't help it, so moving on!

What does that mean!?

Is this a perfect opportunity to get closer with her? Well, closer than we already are that is. Or is it completely platonic and I am over-thinking it all?

Perhaps it is both? Regardless, it is a very strange situation to be in!

I am nervous, of course, because you can never been yourself when around the person you secretly like. You analysis every move you make, and berrate yourself for the ones you didn't (or about the stupid ones that you did). You can never quite relax. Not to mention the reality never matches your built up fantasies of the 'what ifs' and the 'could be'.

I have not the slightest clue on how it will turn out, all I know is that I am rather nervous, and am not at all excited because of my nerves. I'd like to think it'll turn out great, perhaps all my desires will come true, or perhaps it will be terrible.

Either way I have the next 3 days of just us, to figure it all out. Wish me luck =)

Winter blues

Why don't I just give up?

To go week after week of dreaming, of hoping, to continue going forward despite the setbacks, it is getting harder to answer that question.

It's winter at the moment, here in Australia. I hate winter. I hate how early it gets dark, how tough it is to get out of bed, how grueling a shower can be when stepping out into the freezing air. I dislike the grey cloud days when all you want to do is go outside, the wet footpaths that make you slip, the windows of your car that are frosted over in the morning.

Yet, at the same time, this is also all the things that I love about winter. Cozening up under a rug with a movie playing, the excuse to stay inside when outside is so grim, the nights spent having dinner with friends in the warmth of your home instead of the cold of a local bar.

I hate so much that she doesn't realize her influence on me. That when I ask her over for dinner on a whim, and she replies with "I have to do some work tonight, but I will let you know", and never gets back to me... that it really does affect me greatly. She has no idea, no idea what so ever the power she has. I've now spent my entire Thursday night drinking wine and cooking dinner on my own, all with the hope that any minute now she would suddenly appear at my door. I knew she wouldn't... but... that's where the never ending hope comes in. The hope that says "Don't worry, it'll all work out in the end".

The problem is that I have had the voice of hope on repeat for literally years now. And after all this time, it is still yet to fulfill its promise.

The dream

Get more classes to teach for next semester at my University.

Reach the point with my freelance programming where I have enough clients to support myself full time.

Never work a 9 - 5 job, or a job that I hate, for the entire year.

Build a website for myself, highlighting my work portfolio and travel adventures.

Travel again.

Get that girl.