Energy is draining fast... or maybe there was none there to begin with. With only 4 weeks until my Honours thesis is due I am still yet to write any substantial amount of words. 276 words so far to be exact... out of an approximate 20,000 needed.... yeah...
I expressed about a month ago that I was lacking my work motivation, although this happens every single year so I wasn't really concerned. This year, however, isn't an ordinary year. A thesis is not an ordinary piece of work. In fact, it will be by far my biggest single piece of work I have ever done on my own in my entire life.
Wow... that's a scary realization.
Yes I know, 'what am I doing here writing this post instead of writing the thesis' you may be thinking. Sometimes a bit of a word spill helps so I thought I would give it a go. Besides, my hope is that in a months time I can look back on this post, with a completed thesis submitted, and reflect on the journey and be proud that I over came the hard days such as today.
It is strange though, and I think I wrote this on the post I linked above, but usually when this happens I usually somehow get into a working mode when I really need it and miraculously just pump out massive volumes of work in an impressive amount of time, always achieving a high grade. What is different this time? Is it a sense of overwhelming that is hindering me from even starting? Or is it just the fact that I am lazy and I need to just sit myself down and force out some work?
The problem there is that all my best work is always done spontaneously. You may recall that big literature review that I wrote up in only 1 day just last month. 3,500 words written in one day, on a topic I know nothing about, I am happy to announce that I got a Distinction for my efforts. Thus proving I work best on the run.
But this is a thesis, no way could I knock it out in 1 day. Nor even a week. Hell, I am even pushing it to try and complete it in 1 month as it is. And then days like this arrive where I take the day off work, have unlimited hours ahead of me, and I waste it listening to music, chatting on gchat or blogging.
Oh well, for some reason, I am still not worried... I think something is wrong with me ha. I have 276 words done so far, let's get cracking.
21 September 2010
19 September 2010
Blogging for the sake of it
It appears to be a full week since my last post. That's... odd. Is something wrong? Not really, same old ups and downs I guess so I thought I'd pass the time and do some random pointless blogging... yay?
The preceding week was in fact one of my busiest, which when every week is insanely hectic that is really saying something... but I am not going to elaborate as it wouldn't be interesting to anyone other than myself. However, I do always say that I write this blog purely for myself (which is true), but I guess I am in a generous mood today and would like to keep this semi interesting?
Or maybe I will just ramble to waste some time =)
Yeah, that sounds much more fun.
So... what's on my mind? Lots of things as always. First of all I am listening to this song that is simply amazing, people like that inspire me. If you give it a listen you must at least listen to the end part from 5 minutes onwards as it gets absolutely epic.
Moving on.
Sigh... this is my forth attempt at blogging over the last few days... I just cannot seem to organize my thoughts enough to get a coherent piece of writing together. I have 3 unpublished posts full of ramblings, with this post this very minute not turning out any better. Should I take it as a sign? Alright, let's try and dot down my thoughts in small blocks...
Ok, what is on my mind?
Well for starters, my friends suck. Which is a shame because I don't have many good friends to begin with. The other day I tried to get them all out for dinner on a Sunday night, keeping in mind that we are all at a very busy stage in our studies as our year is coming to an end. Of course, it doesn't happen. Why? No reason really. One said he would get back to me and didn't, the other had gone out the night before and was apparently too tired, there were a few others I didn't even bother asking.
It just frustrates and saddens me as I have been living out of home since March now, and my 'friends' haven't even been to my house once... nor have they come visit me (I live about 40 minutes drive from them now). Yet I have many many times driven down to hang with them...
Continuing on with that topic... this semester I became a tutorer at my University, something I was extremely excited about in conjunction with being rather proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone. It is now week 11 and with countless 'yeah man I will definitely come have a look at your class' promises from friends, none came.
I am starting to see a pattern...
Last year, I broke up badly with my long term girlfriend and had a friendship ending argument with my best friend of 15 years. Before that fateful day, they were my world. Sure I had heaps of other friends but as I summed up in this post that I wrote a few months back, none of them were in the 'best friend you can rely on for anything' group that these two were.
Perhaps it was foolish to invest myself in only two people? I don't know... all I know is that ever since then life has been very hollow that's for sure.
Now, in this present day, company is scarce. I spend far to many hours at home just wasting time by watching TV shows or playing games, waiting until it is late enough for bed time just so I can go to sleep in anticipation for the next day where I usually have work or Uni to attend. My weekends aren't much better... I am either hung over and just watch movies, or I bum around trying to find something to do. The worst thing is how fast this all changed... it wasn't so long ago I would have a flood of text messages arriving, parties to attend, movie nights, clubbing. Now I feel like a complete outsider looking in on my own circle of friends... I guess moving out of home to be 40 minutes away doesn't help, but I didn't have a choice with that.
Just another Monday night I guess...
It should be mentioned here that whilst I feel abandoned by most, there is one person who has always been there for me. Straight after my departure from my ex-girlfriend and ex-bestfriend I became friends with a girl who was best friends with my ex. It is beyond words how helpful she was, I seriously owe her my life. She picks me up from my lows, encourages me to go higher in my highs, and all for nothing in return. She may drive me absolutely insane at times, but my debt to her is endless. Sadly she lives nearly two hours away and has a busy life so we rarely get to hang out, but the friendship is strong none the less.
I am a big believer in fate, especially with the whole 'you never know' motto. Every night before bed I always wonder to myself if the following day will have something exciting in store for me... and then the day arrives. Random events that only seem to happen to me occur, funny stories to tell are experienced, an achievement I am proud of is accomplished, a complex thought to debate is conjured, a worrying concern is surfaced, and after all that I get on the the bus ride home and reminisce about the days events... only to have no one to talk to about any of those things.
Then I sit at home, and just before I go to bed, I think about what the following day has in store for me...
Not really sure if I should post this. It isn't interesting to anyone else, and I am definitely not trying for sympathy or anything of the sort. I just get this way sometimes, completely complex and cluttered, so a good spill of the mind can help. I have been this way for a very long time though, my posts on this blog have evidence of this since the beginning.
I guess I just thought things would be different by now, you know?
The preceding week was in fact one of my busiest, which when every week is insanely hectic that is really saying something... but I am not going to elaborate as it wouldn't be interesting to anyone other than myself. However, I do always say that I write this blog purely for myself (which is true), but I guess I am in a generous mood today and would like to keep this semi interesting?
Or maybe I will just ramble to waste some time =)
Yeah, that sounds much more fun.
So... what's on my mind? Lots of things as always. First of all I am listening to this song that is simply amazing, people like that inspire me. If you give it a listen you must at least listen to the end part from 5 minutes onwards as it gets absolutely epic.
Moving on.
Sigh... this is my forth attempt at blogging over the last few days... I just cannot seem to organize my thoughts enough to get a coherent piece of writing together. I have 3 unpublished posts full of ramblings, with this post this very minute not turning out any better. Should I take it as a sign? Alright, let's try and dot down my thoughts in small blocks...
Ok, what is on my mind?
Well for starters, my friends suck. Which is a shame because I don't have many good friends to begin with. The other day I tried to get them all out for dinner on a Sunday night, keeping in mind that we are all at a very busy stage in our studies as our year is coming to an end. Of course, it doesn't happen. Why? No reason really. One said he would get back to me and didn't, the other had gone out the night before and was apparently too tired, there were a few others I didn't even bother asking.
It just frustrates and saddens me as I have been living out of home since March now, and my 'friends' haven't even been to my house once... nor have they come visit me (I live about 40 minutes drive from them now). Yet I have many many times driven down to hang with them...
Continuing on with that topic... this semester I became a tutorer at my University, something I was extremely excited about in conjunction with being rather proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone. It is now week 11 and with countless 'yeah man I will definitely come have a look at your class' promises from friends, none came.
I am starting to see a pattern...
Last year, I broke up badly with my long term girlfriend and had a friendship ending argument with my best friend of 15 years. Before that fateful day, they were my world. Sure I had heaps of other friends but as I summed up in this post that I wrote a few months back, none of them were in the 'best friend you can rely on for anything' group that these two were.
Perhaps it was foolish to invest myself in only two people? I don't know... all I know is that ever since then life has been very hollow that's for sure.
Now, in this present day, company is scarce. I spend far to many hours at home just wasting time by watching TV shows or playing games, waiting until it is late enough for bed time just so I can go to sleep in anticipation for the next day where I usually have work or Uni to attend. My weekends aren't much better... I am either hung over and just watch movies, or I bum around trying to find something to do. The worst thing is how fast this all changed... it wasn't so long ago I would have a flood of text messages arriving, parties to attend, movie nights, clubbing. Now I feel like a complete outsider looking in on my own circle of friends... I guess moving out of home to be 40 minutes away doesn't help, but I didn't have a choice with that.
Just another Monday night I guess...
It should be mentioned here that whilst I feel abandoned by most, there is one person who has always been there for me. Straight after my departure from my ex-girlfriend and ex-bestfriend I became friends with a girl who was best friends with my ex. It is beyond words how helpful she was, I seriously owe her my life. She picks me up from my lows, encourages me to go higher in my highs, and all for nothing in return. She may drive me absolutely insane at times, but my debt to her is endless. Sadly she lives nearly two hours away and has a busy life so we rarely get to hang out, but the friendship is strong none the less.
I am a big believer in fate, especially with the whole 'you never know' motto. Every night before bed I always wonder to myself if the following day will have something exciting in store for me... and then the day arrives. Random events that only seem to happen to me occur, funny stories to tell are experienced, an achievement I am proud of is accomplished, a complex thought to debate is conjured, a worrying concern is surfaced, and after all that I get on the the bus ride home and reminisce about the days events... only to have no one to talk to about any of those things.
Then I sit at home, and just before I go to bed, I think about what the following day has in store for me...
Not really sure if I should post this. It isn't interesting to anyone else, and I am definitely not trying for sympathy or anything of the sort. I just get this way sometimes, completely complex and cluttered, so a good spill of the mind can help. I have been this way for a very long time though, my posts on this blog have evidence of this since the beginning.
I guess I just thought things would be different by now, you know?
12 September 2010
Back from my party... yay.
This is kind of part two of my previous post, the one written and posted about say... 8 hours ago? Seen here. From that post you will see the story of how I lost my phone, for it to be returned by the generosity of a very kind girl where I was able to arrange for myself to pick up my phone from her house, and that I was about to head out to a party. One that I was in fact extremely looking forward too.
I was in somewhat of a hurry when I picked up the phone the other day and felt bad (cause, you know, it is not everyday that people give back a pretty decent phone when they could easily keep it themselves). So on the way to my party I stopped by the supermarket for some supplies and grabbed a box of mixed chocolates, drove over to her house (unannounced) and did a bit of 'Hey, I didn't get to say thank you properly the other day, so I wanted you to have these chocolates and receive a proper thanks from me' kind of lame ass thing that I guess is kind of built within the person I am...
Thankfully it wasn't awkward at all and she was actually genuinely appreciative of the gesture.
So... we are now at 1.40am... I am back from my party very early. Sigh... waste. of. time. There was heaps of people, the food was good and so was the location... just I don't know. There was hardly anyone I knew, it was absolutely freezing and all the people I did know left extremely early (around 11.30pm). Problem is that I had had about 4 - 5 beers in anticipation of having a nice long night with my mates... which obviously meant that when they all left early and I was left with no one, I had to wonder around like a loser for a while to sober up enough to drive home. Yay...
As fate would have it, just like countless posts of mine in the past, I yet again met someone amazing when I least expected it. This has happened so many times in the last few months, most recently being the stunning girl who grabbed my entire attention for unknown reasons, someone I still think about today. Tonight, however, I think I met someone who was just... exactly perfect. She was cool, casual, interesting, smart... she was just completely honest and so down to earth, whilst still being gorgeous and fun. Sigh. But, please, don't get me wrong, I don't just fall for any girl I meet, I in fact have quite high standards. Standards high enough that I don't often meet many girls who meet those standards therefore it is monumental when I meet one that does... let alone surpasses them impressively.
I chatted to her for ages (I can talk to chicks when I really want to lol), it was an awesome conversation although slightly soiled because of the fact she had some drunk douche hanging around who I assume could be her boyfriend... although I could not see in any way how or why. This girl (Amy) was the cousin of the birthday guy Mark. Now, Mark's family has quite large noses and as myself, Amy and her douche boyfriend were looking through photo albums of the family the douche boyfriend goes "Haha, Mark has quite a large nose... Ha I can see where you get your big nose from Amy".
What... the...?
Amy just didn't really say anything, but you could tell she didn't approve (to which I don't blame her). It just annoys me so much that douche's like that have these rare, amazing, cool girlfriends while guys like me (the guys who take the time to say thanks to a stranger for returning their phone) get to have these meaningful conversations, laugh and connect with these cool girls... and then drive home by themselves.
I know my time will come soon enough, it is just so disheartening to see these apparent opportunities pass me by week after week. Time for bed I guess.
I was in somewhat of a hurry when I picked up the phone the other day and felt bad (cause, you know, it is not everyday that people give back a pretty decent phone when they could easily keep it themselves). So on the way to my party I stopped by the supermarket for some supplies and grabbed a box of mixed chocolates, drove over to her house (unannounced) and did a bit of 'Hey, I didn't get to say thank you properly the other day, so I wanted you to have these chocolates and receive a proper thanks from me' kind of lame ass thing that I guess is kind of built within the person I am...
Thankfully it wasn't awkward at all and she was actually genuinely appreciative of the gesture.
So... we are now at 1.40am... I am back from my party very early. Sigh... waste. of. time. There was heaps of people, the food was good and so was the location... just I don't know. There was hardly anyone I knew, it was absolutely freezing and all the people I did know left extremely early (around 11.30pm). Problem is that I had had about 4 - 5 beers in anticipation of having a nice long night with my mates... which obviously meant that when they all left early and I was left with no one, I had to wonder around like a loser for a while to sober up enough to drive home. Yay...
As fate would have it, just like countless posts of mine in the past, I yet again met someone amazing when I least expected it. This has happened so many times in the last few months, most recently being the stunning girl who grabbed my entire attention for unknown reasons, someone I still think about today. Tonight, however, I think I met someone who was just... exactly perfect. She was cool, casual, interesting, smart... she was just completely honest and so down to earth, whilst still being gorgeous and fun. Sigh. But, please, don't get me wrong, I don't just fall for any girl I meet, I in fact have quite high standards. Standards high enough that I don't often meet many girls who meet those standards therefore it is monumental when I meet one that does... let alone surpasses them impressively.
I chatted to her for ages (I can talk to chicks when I really want to lol), it was an awesome conversation although slightly soiled because of the fact she had some drunk douche hanging around who I assume could be her boyfriend... although I could not see in any way how or why. This girl (Amy) was the cousin of the birthday guy Mark. Now, Mark's family has quite large noses and as myself, Amy and her douche boyfriend were looking through photo albums of the family the douche boyfriend goes "Haha, Mark has quite a large nose... Ha I can see where you get your big nose from Amy".
What... the...?
Amy just didn't really say anything, but you could tell she didn't approve (to which I don't blame her). It just annoys me so much that douche's like that have these rare, amazing, cool girlfriends while guys like me (the guys who take the time to say thanks to a stranger for returning their phone) get to have these meaningful conversations, laugh and connect with these cool girls... and then drive home by themselves.
I know my time will come soon enough, it is just so disheartening to see these apparent opportunities pass me by week after week. Time for bed I guess.
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